i read somewhere... 10 august 2016...

i read somewhere:

I invite you to say any or all of the following lines out loud:

I love everything about me

I love my uncanny beauty and my bewildering pain

I love my hungry soul and my wounded longing

I love my flaws, my fears, and my scary frontiers

I will never forsake, betray, or deceive myself

I will always adore, forgive, and believe in myself

I will never refuse, abandon, or scorn myself

I will always amuse, delight, and redeem myself

So listen up. We'll make it brief. You're at a crossroads analogous to a dilemma that has baffled your biological line for six generations. We ask you now to master the turning point that none of us have ever figured out how to negotiate. Heal yourself and you heal all of us. We mean that literally. Start brainstorming, please.

Love thrives when neither partner takes things personally, so cultivate a devotion to forgiveness and divest yourself of the urge to blame.

Love is a game in which the rules keep changing, so be crafty and improvisational as you stay alert for each unexpected twist of fate.

Love enmeshes you in your partner's unique set of karmic complications, so make sure you're very interested in his or her problems.

Love is a laboratory where you can uncover secrets about yourself that have previously been hidden, so be ravenously curious.

Love is never a perfect match of totally compatible saints, so don't let sterile fantasies seduce you away from flawed but fecund realities.
Love is not a low-maintenance machine, so work hard on cultivating its unpredictable organic wonders.

Love is not a wholly-owned subsidiary of Hollywood, so don't let your romantic story be infected by the entertainment industry's simplistic, sentimental myths about intimate relationships.

LET'S GET ON WITH IT; WE ARE ALL RIGHT AND LIFE IS AMAZING... 

i read somewhere... 23 august 2016...

i read somewhere:

Whatever you choose to focus your attention on, you will get more of it. If you dwell on the good things you have already had the privilege to experience, you will expand your appreciation for their blessings, which in turn will amplify their beneficent impact on your life. You will also magnetise yourself to receive further good things, making it more likely that they will be attracted into your sphere. At the very least, you will get in the habit of enjoying yourself no matter what the outward circumstances are.

Bear in mind that you are a great wizard. You can use your powers to practice white magic on yourself instead of the other kind. The most basic way to do that is to concentrate on naming, savouring, and feeling gratitude for the blessings you do have—your love for your kid, the pleasures of eating the food you like, the sight of the sky at dusk, the entertaining drama of your unique fate. Don't ignore the bad stuff, but make a point of celebrating the beautiful stuff with all the exuberant devotion you can muster.

Speak the following lines out loud:
I love everything about me
I love my uncanny beauty and my bewildering pain
I love my hungry soul and my wounded longing
I love my flaws, my fears, and my scary frontiers

I will never forsake, betray, or deceive myself
I will always adore, forgive, and believe in myself
I will never refuse, abandon, or scorn myself
I will always amuse, delight, and redeem myself.

and remember:

"Every act of genius, is an act contra naturam: against nature." Indeed, every effort to achieve psychological integration and union with the divine requires a knack for working against the grain. Carl Jung

The great secret to becoming enlightened, is "to walk in all things contrary to the world." Jacob Boehme

"The basis of the spiritual approach to life, the foundation of the everyday practice of a person who lives the life of obedience to esoteric law, is the reversal of the more usual ways of thinking, speaking and doing." Paul Foster Case

have a great week, full of focus, gratitude and love. 

15 september 2013

i read somewhere:

"If everything seems under control, you're probably not moving fast enough." Mario Andretti
1. If you're not pretty much always half-confused, most likely you're not thinking deeply enough.
2. If you're not feeling forever amazed, maybe you're not seeing wildly enough.
3. The truth is fluid, slippery, vagrant, scrambled, promiscuous, kaleidoscopic, and outrageously abundant.
4. Sometimes the truth is a glittering diamond and at other times it's a stream of smoke.

"I was like a mole in a suburban backyard. I had just one little path I trod each day: to the compost pile and back. I chewed on orange rinds and leftover cabbage. I was tamed by the comfort of my familiar environment, content to have a narrow vision. But then I was eaten by a hawk, and became part of a wild, free body. Now I perch on the tops of trees and the peaks of roofs. I survey giddy-wide horizons, from the river to the mesa and far beyond. I have a wealth of choices. Where to fly? What to hunt? Who are my allies? My thoughts breathe deep, like the slow explosion of sun on the morning lake."

freeing the heart; loving again and back... yes? xx

i read somewhere... 8 may 2018...

today's mood.
i read somewhere...

love rules - the love rules - the rules of love (some)
from vincent, leo, emily, sark, rainer, blaise, erica, frederick and mary, pablo, emma, anais.

"I tell you the more I think, the more I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people."

"Everything I understand, I understand only because I love.
Everything exists, only because I love."

"Until you have loved, you cannot become yourself."

"Love imperfectly. Be a love idiot. Let yourself forget any love
ideal."

"For one human being to love another is the most difficult
task. It is the work for which all other work is mere
preparation."

"If you do not love too much, you do not love enough."

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. It really is worth
fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the
trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more."

"Fall in love over and over again every day. Love your family,
your neighbours, your enemies, and yourself. And don't stop
with humans. Love animals, plants, stones, even galaxies."

"To love is to tilt with the lightning, two bodies routed by a
single honey's sweet."

"The most vital right is the right to love and be loved."

"Believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an
inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a
strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as
you wish without having to step outside it."

"There are two ways to reach me: by way of kisses or by way
of the
imagination. But there is a hierarchy: the kisses alone don't
work."

experiencing aloneness, i discover connection
turn to face my fear, i meet the warrior in me
open to my loss and pain and ignorance, i remind me of myself and purpose
surrendering into emptiness, I find endless fulfillment
if i flee, I am pursued
if i welcome, i am transformed

"I do want to create art beyond rage. Rage is a place to begin, but not end.
"I do want to devour my demons—despair, grief, shame, fear and use them to nourish my art. Otherwise they'll devour me."
Sandra Cisneros

be alert for creative inspiration that strikes you in the
midst of seemingly mundane circumstances.
do not believe what your read in sold out to greed and immorality, papers.
trust your gut.
do your thing.
be thankful. be grateful.
and breathe.
the sun is shining, times are challenging; stay safe.

i read somewhere... 19 february 2016

I read somewhere: "Life's always at a crossroads. Narrow is the path that leads to the way you want to go, and only a few people follow it."

Many thanks to my boxing posse last night: Fabiana Fernandes, Vicki Cooper and Anka Dabrowska.

And remember: Don't get stuck in. And do whatever you do, intensely.

❤️

i read somewhere... 29 october 2018

i read somewhere (thought and wrote accordingly):

emotional and spiritual food.
the influences that make you stronger
the people who see you for who you really are
the situations that teach you life-long lessons
the beauty that replenishes your psyche
the symbols that consistently restore your balance
the memories that keep feeding your ability to rise to each new challenge. then, pay it forward.

do your best in every single thing you do
uphold the highest possible standards in every aspect of your life.

sustain impeccable levels of integrity
be fiercely honest, fair and kind
do not obstruct the flow of your natural intelligence
respect yourself and others and try to do what you love from this day forward or later - goal set up - at least 51% of the time. at the very least, i would say 80%

deepen and intensify your commitment to the most
important person in your life: you
i am not promoting selfishness here, but encouraging self love and preservation, because:
the most important person in the scenario is you
no one is going to look after you better than you
you cannot love anyone properly, unless you love yourself properly (very old news, this one and it does not need a shaman to master and understand
fall in love with yourself, be your own perfect date

extending that love and more positive for thoughts
if we focus on the bad, then we feel crippled in doing anything constructive and change things in our world
but if we remain hopeful in bad and challenging times, we'll then resume the energy to act
"The future is an infinite succession of presents, and
to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvellous victory."
H. Zinn

my heart and mind are racing with adrenaline ideas, pain, sorrow, faith, action, hope and love.

what happened in pittsburgh was an abomination of humanity, but we won't be broken
what is happening in brazil, is beyond disgusting, but we shall resist

stay a revolutionary crusader and agitator, stay alert, stay faithful, stay kind and above all, stay lovers of the world.
this is scorpio season, full of mystery and truth... we shall and MUST overcome. together. 

i read somewhere... 17 april 2018

it's a beautiful day. it's important to stay positive, active and pro active, as well as angry and disappointed.

i read somewhere:

"If I could have but one wish granted it would be
to live in a universe like this one
at a time like the present
with friends like the ones I have now
and be myself." Rand Howells

"Problems that remain persistently insoluble should always be suspected
as questions asked in the wrong way." Alan Watts

"Dedicating the merit, is an act of radical imagination that has a real impact.
Our radical imagining is that all beings are free, at peace, and awakened. Imagining this stretches our minds and creates the possibility for it to actually happen, because if we cannot imagine something, it's nearly impossible to actualise it.
In this radical imagining, our vision includes everyone equally in our love.
This develops our generosity, loving-kindness, and commitment to the equality of beings. This kind of beneficence does not condone anyone's
destructive actions. Rather it looks toward the possibility of liberating and transforming the ignorance that drives people's destructive actions." Lama Palden Drolma

love everything about yourself, your beauty, your pain, your longings, your hungry soul, your flaws, your fears, your issues, your power, your mysteries, your freedom...

escape your chains of suffering and discharge yourself from any debt...

have a great day and a good week, starting from yourselves. 

i read somewhere... 14 june 2016...

i read somewhere:

"That which is not slightly distorted lacks sensible appeal, from which it follows that irregularity - that is to say, the unexpected, surprise and astonishment -- is an essential part and characteristic of beauty."
Charles Baudelaire

"Life is a vast and intricate conspiracy designed to keep us well-supplied with blessings."

"But whether it's our time to ferment in the valley of shadows or rise up singing in the sun-splashed meadow, fresh power to transform ourselves is always on the way. Our suffering won't last, nor will our triumph. Without fail, life will deliver the creative energy we need to change into the new thing we must become."

and breathe... x

i read somewhere...27 December 2017...

i read somewhere:

"You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be. You don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations. There’s no need to strive for a kind of perfection that’s not very interesting to you. You don’t have to believe in ideas that make you sad or tormented, and you don’t have to feel emotions that others try to manipulate you into feeling."

"That's why it's so important to avoid wasteful infatuations and confounding manias. Please choose fascinations that are really good for you."

let the celestial lessons begin to manifest... as soon as possible.

you had my curiosity, now you have my attention...

'You matter to me. In a way I cannot explain, you matter to me. And you, you are a marvel... you and all the parts of you'.

Love...

the egg of my existence has been barely cooked and now it's runny and gooey and incredibly fragile and robust at the same time... it has been my surprise and my delight simultaneously and it makes me nervous and restless and calm with tied hands in ribbons and a freer heart... does this make sense?

does it have to?

i'm feeling... cold and warmth and anxiety and excitement and hope and despair and so much love... it leaves me breathless and secure and hanging from an invisible cliff...

i'm fighting my ego, yet i remain stubborn and put... when the anger dissipates, kindness resides... compassion, even... what is happening to me?

i'm raising the stakes and sustaining the silence for the ultimate result - my own... my duty and responsibility and not my ambition...

deep down, i wish to make things simpler and ask for what i want, enquire for what i find out, use the telephone for the voice to ring, declare for the emotions to be expressed, or close the door firmly behind me and walk away...

instead, i wait... 

because i do not want to call, to see, to speak, to state, to ask, to escape... not now, not yet...

maybe tomorrow, in the new of the day...

i'm numb and overwhelmed... i'm fortunate...

to be continued...

boadicea

27 march 2013

10:24am/ 06:24am

spring is here in theory and of course being in london, is still chilly to freezing with rare sunny spells for a tease and some vitamin D. 

of course everyone is moaning and of course it's boring and of course i write about it, but i shall say no more...

my state of urgency continues via my writings, thinkings, feelings and listenings to piano sonatas for exam study on spotify, reminding me of my old piano lessons in quite rooms, with a wonderful wood and keys smell of sweet must lingering in the air as i was flying with my fingers... 

full of nostalgia and somewhat melancholy, but i'm mostly positive and calm and warm, which i have not felt for some time.

i had breakfast in bed; two fried eggs in olive oil with chilli flakes, a pinch of cayenne pepper and a pinch of smoked paprika and a generous dollop of guacamole and a glass of water... i crave something sweet now for the coating of my heart and not my indulgent greed...

alas... there is only honey...

i feel clean and hopeful and thankful and excited a little bit... as i feel and know that things and circumstances are shifting to an although and at the moment undefined stage, it's all very good indeed.

i had six small squares of chocolate brownies from waitrose later and i watched a movie on love, made in the big apple, which has been my propensity as of late... 

.........................................................................................................

21:23pm/ 17:23pm

fuck all that! 

today i'm angry, like most days lately anyway and not because i'm not getting what i want, rubbish, i ALWAYS get what i want anyway, i just have to want it, but because i am sick and tired of being taken out into the the vast seas and left there without a rubber ring; do you honestly think i cannot swim?

the question is do i have to swim alone... again? 

i exhaled and i stopped... the ego cannot and won't take over for too long...

my chariot is on fire and i am victorious!

bare and brave

these wonderful wordings are written from the heart from a new angel, who appeared in my life recently and i found him; S. G is here to stay... he jotted them down with the immense love he feels for his lover H. P and shared them with me, upon our conversation on love and pain and the ultimate elation... enjoy them readers, feel them and relate to them, like i did, as they make me think and feel more for my... they are truly spectacular! x

You entered - unannounced -
My small heart skipped a beat
I looked, you stalled
And
Still my heart skipped a beat
A beat, a beat.
I took you by the hand
And you said Wait!
I Just Arrived!

I said we should meet
And you said
Anywhere - even under a bridge!
And that sounded good
Like hard rain on soft streets
Like everything you say
That melts me like a mountain of ice
Breaking and caving into warm
Clean air
And everything is good
And strong
You
And the need for you
Ticking over like a big old clock
Or a heart pump
Thumping in my chest
Ka-thump k-thump
And waiting
Coiled
Like an animal in heat
Laser-like and sure
With pure intent
Only the soft glow
Honey-dripping tenderness of you
Seeping in
Deep into the creases of my heart
Shimmering like glints of coal
Mined from the dark
And being with you
Online and reaching out
To touch your pixelated skin
Everything I ever wanted to
Breath in
And hold and enter
Something sure
And pure and holy
Something to be met and
Cloaked in gold.

I wanna hold your hand

*********************

And yet my heart said GO

And already I could not
Let
You
Go
I took you back with me
And felt
A tiny miracle unfold
My heart skipped
And slowed
And then you came again
And then my heart said
WAIT!
Aren't you the one?
And then another night, another night
Until my heart stopped beating
And only the sound of your breath made sense
Breath by breath
Until there was no sense to anything
Except dark stone streets
And star cold nights
and the thought of you
In
My
Arms
Forever
And then we parted
And my heart lay on the lobby floor
Gilded in a flood of golden light
And shattered in a tiny million
pieces.
And then I knew

You are the one.

*******************************

Lead me on if you must

Take my heart and my love
Take of me all that you want
And if there's a thing that you need
I'd give you the breath that I breathe
N' if ever you yearn for the love in me
Whenever Wherever Whatever

Wish I knew if I could
Be the one that you would 
Love for ever n' and a day baby
And if there's a thing that you need
For you n' your blood I would bleed
N' if ever you yearn for the love in me
Whichever Wherever Whatever

And if there's a thing that you need
I'd give you the breathe
N' if ever you yearn for the love in me
Whenever Wherever Whatever

sexy and clever

... and so it has begun...

years and years of roaming, experimenting, remaining aware, passing by, to acknowledging, greeting, chatting and talking, flirting, after appearing in mutual social events (mostly my own), to risking, dining, connecting, joining, exchanging, sharing and eventually...

i have said it before and i'm writing it again here, when one door closes, either by choice or necessity, another one opens and when one is willing and brave enough to get rid of the dead wood and let go of the unwanted/ outworn and the downright boring, then... one might experience a little or big, but definite substantial thunderbolt of the explosive and sparkling kind, as neither of us, not even me, know what is around the corner, awaiting, to surprise us...

and suddenly, all the carefully crafted walls of defense and protection, begin to crumble, like sand mixed with water and although, initially painful, the process is eased and the adrenaline kicks in, like thick honey, dripping and coating the freshly toasted and buttered slice...

bliss? at last? frogs and princes? destiny justified? let up? a break given by life? happiness? ecstasy? pure desire? physical and mental challenge? again, at last?

well, it is a yes!
i write with excitement and gentleness at the same time and my perverse appetite is satisfied, despite my early risings and time keeping polishing... what? me?

i take a look and observe my own self... the way i feel and relate and act and behave and i never knew i would be so ripe, so naturally eased and inclined in some fine and good quality camaraderie of sorts; senses titillated and satisfied, personae exposed and a give and take, in action, token and primal offerings...

suddenly, my own monster/ vampire, who needed no one, would not allow anyone in, with some distant, evasive and enigmatic existence, is letting  the senses and the veins to take over, pumping, zinging, pinching, biting, licking and kissing, causing some sweet pain and divine pleasure, which lingers in my mind and resonates in my body, even now, that i'm compiling this, for a further understanding, recording and further experiencing...!

hot!

i'm stronger and alert, awake and in a state of urgency and tying up the loose ends for the extension of pleasure, the ultimate freedom and the expression of kindness, intensity and love...

there is no need for declarations, dissections and projections, expectations and demands... we are old enough, wise enough, experienced enough, individualistic enough to know better and do better and we do indeed: know and act... there is honesty and respect, there is understanding and support, there is affection and warmth, there is attraction and depth, there is sensuality and desire, there is style and uniqueness, there is some worry and some protection, there are some tears of joy and some tears of elation... in body and soul... 

and for the first time, or in a long time, there is no idealisation, but reality and reality can be beautiful, sexy and clever and substantial...

to be lived and relished and evolved and nurtured... we continue...

i can only count my blessings for recognising something that could potentially, if not already, be very good, very real, very amazing for me (my growth and my warmth)

and i feel that i'm completing my circle, which has been forming for some time now, but that is another post altogether...

thank you.

roses and thorns

i am just coming out of an iceberg, which nearly burned me...
it started in july... i was alone, which really has been my state for some time... normal... a messy black thunder entered my orbit and something cracked, or did i allow it to crack? i shall never know, nor i want to, either.

the fantasy -  reality begun: verbal and physical activity, viral communication, crazy talk, one sided generosity, half baked appreciation, fear, madness, a lot of laughter, music, intensity, which has ended in a semi blockage, lying and involving other people! well, that is enough!

although i understand, i won't allow it to affect me anymore; there will be no more chances, no room for negotiation, no reconciliation, no admittance to a potential big love, no excuses, no reaction to micro and poor politics and antics, because of the bleak past, which really has nothing to do with me and i am certainly not responsible for...

what i am responsible for, are my actions, projections and expectations and subsequently feelings, who i have kept close to my heart, revealed to no one and eventually buried in the abyss of my soul, never to be surfaced again... 

i simply refuse to be abused by someone, who i have cared deeply for, loved hard and asked nothing for in return... although my brutality and lack of gentleness and sometimes, i have been sound and consistent, fearfully protective and immensely nurturing and what i have had in return and, i say it again, without asking, is fundamentally, lack of respect, insult, gossip, misunderstanding and sheer stupidity... there is no point going through the debris to find the diamond... there is no diamond there, there was never a diamond there... i tried and anticipated and hoped and believed and waited and again, all the above, my own doing and responsibility, to be faced with, yet again another obstacle, another sign of insecurity, another thorn, cutting my side, bleeding it,  another part to heal again... no. i don't think so.

i have had a very interesting and challenging time, despite the darkness, but the darkness was thicker than the light and i have got to protect myself, therefore, i must go with no remorse, although i am filled with sadness and again and i suffer, but for not too long and with the least damage... 

... as i have been there may times and repeating the pattern and going through the same history, with a different protagonist, would be at least foolish from my part and i have neither time, nor patience for it...

love, which, i'm sure is there somewhere, has nothing to do with it and i'll be damned if i tolerate teenage shenanigans from someone, who takes no responsibility, because they are broken and damaged... no. i don't think so.

i also know that things will change, as the only consistent thing in our lives is change and it is all going to be water under the bridge, eventually, but for the time being, there is a a silent war and not only with one particular specimen of an individual, who i shall love forever, but a very small number of individuals, who, i come to realise, have always had some agenda and it will be quite difficult for me to consider friends again, as i never really thought they were in the first place...

meanwhile, apart from myself, i nurture the real people in my life, who are simply gorgeous, sexy, interesting, caring, loving, supporting and understanding and who deserve my attention and love... room for the new, the fresh, the right, the wonderful... for souls, who won't bend and compromise, because of the state of the world, won't lose faith and solidarity, because of fear and peer pressure and will remain their true selves, full of fire, energy and truth! and i'm blessed to be knowing such folk... fortunate...

and getting on with business, which is getting busier, better, more colourful and eventually, profitable... 

on my first quarrel, i wrote a performance, which i am eager to record and perform; it is my homage to myself and my goodbye to the story, which i was always aware about, even if i let myself immersed in it for a bit... i and we know deep in our hearts,  that the connection will never cease and true love and true friendship always shine... there is no worry there... life knows, fate knows, we know...

now, that i have cleaned up my act and there is so much room in my aura, something good is happening in the form of someone, warm and lovely with pains of their own dealt with the utmost integrity... more in the next post, as i need to catch my breath and feel it more...

onwards and upwards, i continue, do i have a choice?

a brand new narrative

you and me and no one else

conceived and written by stav B

recorded by doug haywood

it's about love, clarity and gender diversity...

springen aequinoctium 2012

march 21. wednesday. 14:41pm london, uk time... the sun is in aries/ spring equinox and i am starting again and again as every day... action...


i can hear birds from the open window and a distant motorbike zipping away... the air is warm and the sun is shining and yes, i can see some blue... lots of it!


i am back, with bubbling feelings and elevated thoughts after a mild winter, a horrid cold, a lot of running around, plenty of change and upheaval, a great deal of identity resuming, personality deconstructing, realisations achieving and doors opening and shutting, heart opening, love blossoming, mind sharpening and soul advancing! phew! super busy, or what? in and out and still at it... of course!


since my last post, i have changed locations, jobs, art thinkings, friend losings and gainings, new way of seeing/ believing/ projecting/ expecting/ creating/ constructing life and its episodes, some silly, other terrible, but mostly good, acquiring new strengths, ideas, solution findings (and very quickly) and living la vita loca, all mine with the most intense and pushing challenging i have ever experienced and put in practice (either by self will or by circumstance) ever before! again, phew! but i am still here, breathing and continuously letting go of the debris, pulling and pushing my energy and of the ones i am interested in...


i am learning a lot, thrusting my boundaries, by putting myself through a constant rollercoaster, again, either by circumstance, or by sheer sabotaging and self testing; i get so easily bored and even more so, as of late, situations, which i found so essential and juicy before, have withered into oblivion and indifference and goodness, are/ have always been so so boring, not essential and not juicy, but important to experience, so that i can get closer to my purpose; frogs and prince, get it?


layers and layers of onion peels from my essence are continuing to unravel, discard and replenish from the debris to the delights, from the unnecessary to the important, reaching my life zenith day in day out, brings me closer to my material death and my spiritual maturity... yet, life is sweet and amazing and one more time, i am having a ball with all these lessons, trials and tribulations and the fun they all bring, when i finally allow myself to relax and enjoy the exploring within the sexy interlude...


new blood, energy, way of thinking, loving and exchanging have entered my wonderful life in the shape of people and ideas! i am very lucky indeed, but mostly smart, for eliminating quickly and recycling immediately... 


work: the liquor bar is continuing with a delicious diversity, more careful planning and variety: headed letters and updated business cards; accountants and spreadsheets and company numbers and a lot of events in different places, for different reasons, as well as other invitations... look at my other blog to get the idea; apopuplife.blogspot.com... shaping up nicely, with more stock, a good and loyal team and a lot of concept and hard work... with passion and energy...


clubs: queen Bees is still buzzing around from flower to flower causing some kind of stir, within the theme, the sound, the photograph...

The T club: it is my new venture, an avant garde club night for transgenders, genderqueers and all in between, is launching tomorrow night at london's dalston superstore, a haunt we all love and it's cool and busy and like me, is supporting gender diversity... check the facebook group to find out all about it and why it begun... and how...

art/ performance: performing again in may, has extended my already new found inspiration and the ongoing quest for identity, via claustrophobia and narcissism, is developing into a new video performance by the sea: fellini style... watch this space...

art/ photographs: part of clifford chance transatlantic show again this june, i am taking photos of a subject doing sport; of course, i shall narrate it in my signature sensual and erotic manner, but concentrating on activity, will be an interesting point of reference indeed...


the Platform: is back, the 5th april and is incorporated with the liquor bar; cocktails, performances, screenings, what a perfect combo for a different kind of entertainment; not anal and not drunken...


love: hmmm... is this why i am here for? to write about it? after thinking it and finally deciding to feel it, after almost forgetting it and/ or covering it wth plenty of activity, privacy, disappeance within the relentless socialising, well, almost, getting there, gulp, yet another experience, episode, layer dot dot dot


well, this one is tricky and seriously enjoyable and potentially dangerous and serious and massive and finally substantial... what i was always craving and not knowing? again, the frogs/ prince syndrom emerges...


this is a mental affair(for now) with plenty of friendship and galore of innuendi, based on sexual attraction, tradition, conditioning, expectation and projections, pain and hurt, elements, which, each day i uncreate and destroy, for purity and peace


there are a lot of things in common, regarding ideas, creativity and style and past habits(the young ones), vulnerability, although i am the brutal one, honesty, although i am the aggressive one, chemistry, admiration and care, which i am embracing with lots of understanding and communication... help and carmic duties...


sounds ideal and a dream? perhaps, to any reader, who doesn't know the most important detail, which frankly is diminishing into some kind of petty detail and i hope(not really, but yes), i don't fall hopelessly in love and crash everything i have stood for, all my life and reconstruct the lot with furtive hunger and enthusiasm, all in aid of an individual, gorgeous, insecure, talented, set in their ways and into transition... in life, mind and heart and not gender, just to clear this one out now, for more clarity and not a problem...


do i make sense? perhaps and at the moment, this is the best i can do and of course it is not enough... my head if full of thought and fantasy, warmth and safety and i look forward to the following encounter, where a sudden appearance, full of joy, leads to arms tightly and with no hesitation...
and i hope it is not just a crush, an infatuation, to fizz out, when i have finally mastered my pursue... naturally, i sabotage everything here, because i am a selfish artist, in need to feel strong emotions to feed her art, ignoring her own heart... but it is not as simple as that anymore... my own tried and tested methods are fraying successfully and i have begun to be a woman/ person, contrary to woman/ artist again and not only via my art... this is real... i feel it every day, many moments...


and after, arguing, demanding, ruining, wishing to lose and let go, i have failed and so, i have decided to change the record and play a different tune, perhaps in my ears out of sync, but truly, it is within a great deal of harmony and connection... and as i relax and enjoy the exploration, the layers of my heart are opening and within it, all my senses and i have started to smell again, hear again, see again and live again, right here, right now and who cares for how long?


i have no issues of possession and mistrust, jealousy and dominance, i am calm, i am clear, i am excited, excitable and above all, i am available!


closing doors, which deserve to remain closed, letting go of people and situations, which won't teach me or make me grow and look after me, has given space to the beauty i am currently experiencing; more freedom and definitely a good future investment for memory and adventure... play it safe: pointless; delve into it: not just yet; pulling and pushing, back and forth: at the moment, crucial...


i am dancing and continuously and i don't need my shoes...