you had my curiosity, now you have my attention...

'You matter to me. In a way I cannot explain, you matter to me. And you, you are a marvel... you and all the parts of you'.

Love...

the egg of my existence has been barely cooked and now it's runny and gooey and incredibly fragile and robust at the same time... it has been my surprise and my delight simultaneously and it makes me nervous and restless and calm with tied hands in ribbons and a freer heart... does this make sense?

does it have to?

i'm feeling... cold and warmth and anxiety and excitement and hope and despair and so much love... it leaves me breathless and secure and hanging from an invisible cliff...

i'm fighting my ego, yet i remain stubborn and put... when the anger dissipates, kindness resides... compassion, even... what is happening to me?

i'm raising the stakes and sustaining the silence for the ultimate result - my own... my duty and responsibility and not my ambition...

deep down, i wish to make things simpler and ask for what i want, enquire for what i find out, use the telephone for the voice to ring, declare for the emotions to be expressed, or close the door firmly behind me and walk away...

instead, i wait... 

because i do not want to call, to see, to speak, to state, to ask, to escape... not now, not yet...

maybe tomorrow, in the new of the day...

i'm numb and overwhelmed... i'm fortunate...

to be continued...

signs and clues...

11:30pm

alone somewhere semi busy and quasi loud, i am writing...

i'm overwhelmed with emotion and excitement, anxiety metamorphosed...

it's close, very close, but not quite there yet, but i feel it intensely, breathlessly...

it's sexy
painful
sweet
strong
and full of love/ this is my spring... my little secret to relish and protect...

more later...

i opened the window...

... and called out your name... 

you light up my life...

love letters

The Proud Surrender: Edna St. Vincent Millay’s Love Letters to Edith Wynn Matthison

by Maria Popova

“This is not meekness, be assured; I do not come naturally by meekness.”

No other form of human communication measures up to the mesmerism of anexquisite love letter, especially one that defies the romantic conventions of its age, like the stirring missives exchanged betweenVirginia Woolf and Vita Sackville-West, orEleanor Roosevelt and Lorena Hickok.

In 1917, during her final year at Vassar College — which she had entered at the unusually ripe age of 21 — Edna St. Vincent Millay met and befriended British silent film actress Edith Wynne Matthison, fifteen years her senior. Taken with Matthison’s fierce spirit, majestic beauty, and impeccable style, Millay’s platonic attraction quickly blossomed into an intense romantic infatuation. Edith, a woman who made no apologies for relishing life’s bounties, eventually kissed Edna and invited her to her summer home. A series of disarmingly passionate letters followed. Found in The Letters of Edna St. Vincent Millay (public library), these epistolary longings capture that strange blend of electrifying ardor and paralyzing pride familiar to anyone who’s ever been in love.

Writing to Edith, Edna cautions of her uncompromising frankness:

Listen; if ever in my letters to you, or in my conversation, you see a candor that seems almost crude, — please know that it is because when I think of you I think of real things, & become honest, — and quibbling and circumvention seem very inconsiderable.

In another, she pleads:

I will do whatever you tell me to do. … Love me, please; I love you. I can bear to be your friend. So ask of me anything. … But never be ‘tolerant,’ or ‘kind.’ And never say to me again — don’t dare to say to me again — ‘Anyway, you can make a trial’ of being friends with you! Because I can’t do things that way. … I am conscious only of doing the thing that I love to do — that I have to do — and I have to be your friend.

In yet another, Millay articulates brilliantly the “proud surrender” at the heart of every materialized infatuation and every miracle of “real, honest, complete love”:

You wrote me a beautiful letter, — I wonder if you meant it to be as beautiful as it was. — I think you did; for somehow I know that your feeling for me, however slight it is, is of the nature of love. … nothing that has happened to me for a long time has made me so happy as I shall be to visit you sometime. — You must not forget that you spoke of that, — because it would disappoint me cruelly. … I shall try to bring a few quite nice things with me; I will get together all that I can, and then when you tell me to come, I will come, by the next train, just as I am. This is not meekness, be assured; I do not come naturally by meekness; know that it is a proud surrender to you; I don’t talk like that to many people.

With love,

Vincent Millay

i was sent this. in secret, meaning i picked it up... and it touched me. and it made me cry. for many reasons. love letters are beautiful and poignant and so important... i wish to write and to be written to... i share here with all of you, but really, this post is dedicated to one person only, who will know and understand... x

smashing and building

tuesday 12 march 2013
10:41am/ 06:41am

the grey/ white clouds are moving swiftly to my left, revealing a lot of blue. 
it's chilly, but sunny and hopeful. is spring here? i mean, not only seasonally, but also in my heart? something to discover and look forward to...

life is a roller coaster and unstoppable in energy and event unravelling and circumstances changing and bullshit smashing and foundations building... all nice little and big life metaphors, of course, leaving it to you readers to decipher, according to your own situations...

where was i?

o. yes. sexy and clever and completing a past circle, for more freedom of expression and enjoyment.

baby steps. big leaps. stumbles. falls. risings. silence. tongue. discourse. new lessons. old wounds. disagreement. peace. clarity. reconciliation. love. love. love. distance. space. retreat. recollection.

somewhere beyond the sea, somewhere... but sailing is as important as anchoring and exactly for the same reason; sailing for anchoring; anchoring for sailing and back again... 

am i ever going to stop being so cryptic? evasive? secretive? poetic? riddled and heavy with symbolism and analogy?

yes. and no. 

i'm thoroughly enjoying my word play for reasons of privacy and... play, but something tells me right now, that i ought and just a little bit be a bit more... simple in my speech, which really is all about love...

maybe i ought to be more of a gardener, immersing my hands in deep soil, feeling the earth and choosing the plants carefully, instead of conceiving an idea, let it float in my head, before it explodes on paper and reveals itself on stage...

maybe i ought to put my heart in the front seat, without the excruciating art of analysis, which, although necessary in other parts, here it should be omitted... phew!

maybe i ought to finally admit that my old methods of over protection, over defence, over brutality and control, don't really work anymore and i really need to turn it around, change the record, relax (as much as possible), in order to achieve some respite, some happiness and some heart flow, it should be, at least a challenge, since i loathe constipation!

so there!

am i in love? some time ago, someone asked me the very same question, i'm asking myself now and my answer was: 'i hope not'.
well, now, i can freely say: 'i hope so'. oops! i just had a little heart skip right now and some rays warmed up my veins... sunshine, inside?!

time will tell. and i definitely love.

and i promise to translate, as at present, i'm relishing my fortune and the ability to be feeling something extraordinary inside me, which makes me warm, excited, nervous, scared, stubborn, angry, sensitive, stupid and goddamn, alive! i am alive! bewitched! captured! touched! pinched! felt! desired! appreciated! respected! trusted! loved!

ok ok, i won't sugar coat it, it would be futile, there are glitches and issues and problems and insecurities and control and anger and hurt and confusion and a lot of differences as well as similarities and to- ing and fro- ing and a lot of love, which, by no means, is not warped, but a bit blocked and stalled sometimes, but as i know and we all know, love is the answer and if it's true, it will shine. 

i read somewhere: 

'everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain, but you can't have a rainbow without a little rain'.

so, when my dark self bellows at me to walk away from it, because it's too much to bear, what about the social conditionings about rose petal periods, what other might utter in opinion, with a subconscious envy and/ or a desire to protect me from hurt, it's not what i would envisage and / or expected, my other self, the mature, open and positive one, suggests gently, which is quite unusual for me, that i should take a deep breath, calm myself down, exercise patience, because it is a virtue and virtues are crucial, understanding and more love, with space and time and reassess... 

am i happy? most of the time.
am i anxious? sometimes.
do i understand? more and more each time.
do i love? more and more, my heart is opening and i'm scared, but not defeated.

phew!

i wish to remain honest and true to myself. so, that i can be true and honest to the other and meet the other half way, if the parts are that way inclined.
exercise more kindness and compassion.
have faith.
be courageous.
stay alert, but not sceptical.
apply constructive criticism and not flippant remarks. talk with and not at. 
accept the fact i am not perfect, but i'm a good and decent person.
let go of control as much as possible and turn anger into something more positive and worthwhile.
love more.

hard work, full of rewards, especially, observing myself growing and growing up.

the road is not easy, but i would not want to be anywhere else.
somehow, my past history has faded into some kind of opaque oblivion, with lessons learned from mistakes and hopefully traumas resolved.

it has been a surprise. and now, it's a natural progression of my life's events. 
call it destiny, a reason, i cannot underline enough its importance and occurrence and above all, my recognition of it; i hope to honour and expand it to a larger gift, from a tiny present.

that would be my lesson. that would be my improvement. 
i look forward to its direction with grace and pride. 

i shall remain victorious. my own Boadicea. crowns and tiaras. 

springen aequinoctium 2012

march 21. wednesday. 14:41pm london, uk time... the sun is in aries/ spring equinox and i am starting again and again as every day... action...


i can hear birds from the open window and a distant motorbike zipping away... the air is warm and the sun is shining and yes, i can see some blue... lots of it!


i am back, with bubbling feelings and elevated thoughts after a mild winter, a horrid cold, a lot of running around, plenty of change and upheaval, a great deal of identity resuming, personality deconstructing, realisations achieving and doors opening and shutting, heart opening, love blossoming, mind sharpening and soul advancing! phew! super busy, or what? in and out and still at it... of course!


since my last post, i have changed locations, jobs, art thinkings, friend losings and gainings, new way of seeing/ believing/ projecting/ expecting/ creating/ constructing life and its episodes, some silly, other terrible, but mostly good, acquiring new strengths, ideas, solution findings (and very quickly) and living la vita loca, all mine with the most intense and pushing challenging i have ever experienced and put in practice (either by self will or by circumstance) ever before! again, phew! but i am still here, breathing and continuously letting go of the debris, pulling and pushing my energy and of the ones i am interested in...


i am learning a lot, thrusting my boundaries, by putting myself through a constant rollercoaster, again, either by circumstance, or by sheer sabotaging and self testing; i get so easily bored and even more so, as of late, situations, which i found so essential and juicy before, have withered into oblivion and indifference and goodness, are/ have always been so so boring, not essential and not juicy, but important to experience, so that i can get closer to my purpose; frogs and prince, get it?


layers and layers of onion peels from my essence are continuing to unravel, discard and replenish from the debris to the delights, from the unnecessary to the important, reaching my life zenith day in day out, brings me closer to my material death and my spiritual maturity... yet, life is sweet and amazing and one more time, i am having a ball with all these lessons, trials and tribulations and the fun they all bring, when i finally allow myself to relax and enjoy the exploring within the sexy interlude...


new blood, energy, way of thinking, loving and exchanging have entered my wonderful life in the shape of people and ideas! i am very lucky indeed, but mostly smart, for eliminating quickly and recycling immediately... 


work: the liquor bar is continuing with a delicious diversity, more careful planning and variety: headed letters and updated business cards; accountants and spreadsheets and company numbers and a lot of events in different places, for different reasons, as well as other invitations... look at my other blog to get the idea; apopuplife.blogspot.com... shaping up nicely, with more stock, a good and loyal team and a lot of concept and hard work... with passion and energy...


clubs: queen Bees is still buzzing around from flower to flower causing some kind of stir, within the theme, the sound, the photograph...

The T club: it is my new venture, an avant garde club night for transgenders, genderqueers and all in between, is launching tomorrow night at london's dalston superstore, a haunt we all love and it's cool and busy and like me, is supporting gender diversity... check the facebook group to find out all about it and why it begun... and how...

art/ performance: performing again in may, has extended my already new found inspiration and the ongoing quest for identity, via claustrophobia and narcissism, is developing into a new video performance by the sea: fellini style... watch this space...

art/ photographs: part of clifford chance transatlantic show again this june, i am taking photos of a subject doing sport; of course, i shall narrate it in my signature sensual and erotic manner, but concentrating on activity, will be an interesting point of reference indeed...


the Platform: is back, the 5th april and is incorporated with the liquor bar; cocktails, performances, screenings, what a perfect combo for a different kind of entertainment; not anal and not drunken...


love: hmmm... is this why i am here for? to write about it? after thinking it and finally deciding to feel it, after almost forgetting it and/ or covering it wth plenty of activity, privacy, disappeance within the relentless socialising, well, almost, getting there, gulp, yet another experience, episode, layer dot dot dot


well, this one is tricky and seriously enjoyable and potentially dangerous and serious and massive and finally substantial... what i was always craving and not knowing? again, the frogs/ prince syndrom emerges...


this is a mental affair(for now) with plenty of friendship and galore of innuendi, based on sexual attraction, tradition, conditioning, expectation and projections, pain and hurt, elements, which, each day i uncreate and destroy, for purity and peace


there are a lot of things in common, regarding ideas, creativity and style and past habits(the young ones), vulnerability, although i am the brutal one, honesty, although i am the aggressive one, chemistry, admiration and care, which i am embracing with lots of understanding and communication... help and carmic duties...


sounds ideal and a dream? perhaps, to any reader, who doesn't know the most important detail, which frankly is diminishing into some kind of petty detail and i hope(not really, but yes), i don't fall hopelessly in love and crash everything i have stood for, all my life and reconstruct the lot with furtive hunger and enthusiasm, all in aid of an individual, gorgeous, insecure, talented, set in their ways and into transition... in life, mind and heart and not gender, just to clear this one out now, for more clarity and not a problem...


do i make sense? perhaps and at the moment, this is the best i can do and of course it is not enough... my head if full of thought and fantasy, warmth and safety and i look forward to the following encounter, where a sudden appearance, full of joy, leads to arms tightly and with no hesitation...
and i hope it is not just a crush, an infatuation, to fizz out, when i have finally mastered my pursue... naturally, i sabotage everything here, because i am a selfish artist, in need to feel strong emotions to feed her art, ignoring her own heart... but it is not as simple as that anymore... my own tried and tested methods are fraying successfully and i have begun to be a woman/ person, contrary to woman/ artist again and not only via my art... this is real... i feel it every day, many moments...


and after, arguing, demanding, ruining, wishing to lose and let go, i have failed and so, i have decided to change the record and play a different tune, perhaps in my ears out of sync, but truly, it is within a great deal of harmony and connection... and as i relax and enjoy the exploration, the layers of my heart are opening and within it, all my senses and i have started to smell again, hear again, see again and live again, right here, right now and who cares for how long?


i have no issues of possession and mistrust, jealousy and dominance, i am calm, i am clear, i am excited, excitable and above all, i am available!


closing doors, which deserve to remain closed, letting go of people and situations, which won't teach me or make me grow and look after me, has given space to the beauty i am currently experiencing; more freedom and definitely a good future investment for memory and adventure... play it safe: pointless; delve into it: not just yet; pulling and pushing, back and forth: at the moment, crucial...


i am dancing and continuously and i don't need my shoes...