i thought an homage to my cat trixie, who died so suddenly yesterday afternoon, would be a nice and appropriate thing to do and as a farewell, which goodness knows how long it will last, as we have been together for eleven years and her absence is a huge void, which i didn't realise i was going to possess (since bizarrely this year, i kept thinking: 'what am i going to do when she dies'?)
as i was observing the changes, her neediness to be close to me and at the same time, sustaining her independence and galloping like a miniature horse up and down the corridor in the middle of the night and opening the bedroom door wide (so annoying, i must admit), to crawl back into bed with me...
trixie appeared in my life in june 1990, seven weeks after she was born. i found her in LOOT paper. she cost me £30. i drove all the way to south croydon to get her and upon my first glance at her, i fell in love, named her trixie and took her away from that busy, untidy household, full of cats and kids and toys and an ordinary, but kind lady in bleached hair, who was obviously too busy to cope, to start her new life with me; just the two of us.
i had lost stanley, my black shorthair boy to an egotistical partner, who wanted a piece of me, via my cat and deciding to get another years later, was a big step. and i wanted a black female kitten. and trixie fell into my lap.
on the way home, i stopped at a pet store and bought her a basket; racing green and stone white with a teddy bear with hearts and ribbons and the word baby cushion in it. stainless steel bowls, because they are hygienic and stylish, which later were resting on a small catering tray i had knicked from work.
our journey began.
trixie was asleep throughout the car trip, which worried me at first and later, i translated as 'she felt at home', plus she was a baby. with bleary blue eyes, a fluffy, shiny, healthy coat, which she maintained till she was buried (no exaggeration there) and an inquisitive attitude.
i write about trixie here with so much desire, not only because her material self has passed, or because she was such an important part of me, but also, because she was mine for our brief/ long time together, she bore my name, i was totally responsible for her and no one could/ would take her away from me... well, apart from death.
i put her food and water down and sorted out her litter tray; in the bathroom of the studio flat i was living in then... and left to go to work. shame on me, but i had to...
when i got back that night, very very late, i could not see her or hear her, but her food had been touched and the tray had been used; i was so lucky to have a litter trained kitten...
... and suddenly and from my cowboy boots, which still bear her tiny scratches, this little sleepy creature appeared following me around and just fitting in the one and half palm of my hands! and then, i knew, that trixie was here to stay! she slept with me, in the nook of my neck that night and every night and soon after, she strarted purring... i was a happy mummy and she was a happy kitten...
our life together included games, her scatching everything BUT her scartching board; the side of my sofa is patterned with her paws and she has ruined some carpets, de fleeing, vaccines, worming and neutering (she was basically an indoor cat), car trips, which she hated, in between houses situations, she despised moving, a couple of disappearances, which freaked me out, as she could tolerate no collar and she was not chipped, but ended up back in my arms, by herself and after me putting posts in all trees, calling all possible sources and looking out of the window for her safe return..., sleeping together, arguing and talking in some strange language, which only her and i could decipher and comprehend, sharing food, as she was blatantly and unapologetically copying me, as it was always her and me; she loved cashews, pop corn and non chicken and non ham slices, made of soy and spices; no joke; this cat was growling, when i was taking these slices out...!
greedy little thing...
bright eyed
gorgeous
good natured, apart from the biting
excellent, shiny coat, bright, yellow eyes, huge ears, endless whiskers, thick, long tail, great teeth, breath smelling of horrid go -cat/ felix/ whiskas, iams, etc... chicken/ tuna and veg food, her own...
hiding well and ignoring my desperate calls (i want to see you now)... starting from the back of the fridge as a baby and discovering a concave between cupboards on top of the cooker as an adult...
normal stuff, talking about her to others, when i was asked 'who do you live with?', like she was my flatmate/ companion and i suppose she has been; the perfect squatter...
she met friends and lovers, she watched tv and listened to endless music, she stayed with pals temporarily, before we got re united again...
i'll miss her miaow, as she jumps up the bed, her scratching, as a sign of attention, her midnight pacing, her falling asleep on my lap, her back touching my thigh, when we were in bed, her instinct, her fear of fireworks and premonitions under the full moon, i'll miss HER...
she must have eaten something she discovered under the sink, where she was hiding at a friend's house, where she was staying temporarily... she was in pain, she was dying, the vet said her liver collapsed, blood in the urine, hypothermia... as i went to see her after her blood test, her eyes were already glazed: i thought to myself, this cat is going to go and within seconds, she was gone!
it's all very surreal and weird and i feel empty and shocked in a dangerously quiet manner, so logic has not sunk in: what did i do wrong? was i a good, responsible mother? if i hadn't done this and that, gone here and there, would she still be alive?, etc
but what is the point? regret and gulit are futile emotions, which lead us nowhere and i know in my heart, i did the best i could for trixie and i hope she forgives me for any inconsistencies and/ or mistakes; goodness knows, how much i loved that cat, my cat; trixie, trix, trixibelle! but i suppose her time had come and i hope she did not suffer for long...
trixie is buried in the garden of the house she was staying; in bow. next to jack, the ferret. she was stiff and in foetal position, as i placed her gently in her own hole, her coat, still shiny and soft, eyes closed, mouth pursed in a permanent grin.
i'm left alone to remember, to write about it, to bear it, to grieve, to resolve... thoughts of how close we are to our pet companions are strong and unbreakable; part of life; part of love...
i have shared with friends on facebook, something that i thought of doing very hard, as it's not my style, but frankly, i needed some sympathetic, empathetic words, which i gladly received by most folk, who understood and who understood, because they have been there and i observed with curiosity and slight sadness, the peeps, who i had considered friends did not acknowledge the loss, the pain, the difficulty and i am wondering: too much, too scared, too indifferent, too uncaring; life is just a party and if a tragedy is not happening to me, or my closed ones, why should i care?, etc... but things do happen to all of us and we should all care, alas... life lessons, constantly before us...
another chapter complete, another to begin... meanwhile, i bid farewell to my beloved trixie, my beautiful cat of eleven years; after myself and my mother, my longest companion: Rest In Peace, as i'm sure you will.
i have loved you and have been loved by you and i am glad about that.
