have never failed me so far
and i always trust them
and i had my doubts from the start, but kept it at the back of my head, slowly ignoring them
but they were there
and some boxes were not ticked, but i gave them a chance
and slowly i opened
i trusted
i understood
i shared
i gave...
... all part of the process
and since i'm never desperate, or needy
or i won't be taken for a fool
and i won't be second best, an option, a whatever
and i only trust once and from the facts, i feel betrayed twice
and i don't care if i'm wrong, or right, or overreacting
this is how i feel
and there is no negotiation
but total destruction
and a clear cut, bloodless, final
and the door shutting firmly and for good
and hopefuly, there is no regret, but hardly, considering the way i feel this particular moment
i love you, but i love me more, as a say and not a fact, as my love is seriously expensive and you could never afford it
and i couldn't give a toss if i sound arrogant, crazy, dramatic, dangerous; at least, i have got the goods to back it up and i'm not full of shit and empty and messed up, a predator, a player and most likely a liar!
i am angry, livid in fact, but mostly at myself; where did i let it slip? what point did i miss?
painfully disappointed
brutally protective over my being, the safety of my heart, that i will ruin everything without a second thought and forever forget, as it's not worth my time, energy, self...
all these words, the suited ones were for nothing ?
all this time was simply a waste ?
i am sick and tired of mentoring and preparing people exercising their good qualities on others, unlikely deserving and damping me with all their shit, traumas, baggage, issues, secrets, because i can handle it, or because this is my social role; but i take a lot of responsibility for that, also, although i will never change my heart, because the world is full of stupid and boring people, who are also cowards! disgusting, unacceptable, ridiculous!!
i am sick and tired of people i believe in, like, begin to let in shower me with vacant compliments, which they could never follow through: the hair and appearance, the personae, the character, the art, blah, blah, blah... leave me alone, if you are incapable of looking inside my heart and give me the respect that i deserve, or perhaps i don't deserve any? who knows? who cares? what is the point? what is it all about? why?
well, I CARE! and i'm no victim and i'm not perfect, nor that i wish to be, but i'm a good person and since my culling methods are faster and more efficient now, due to the recent circumstances, i'm left with no choice, but to kiss this, admittedly, very strong connection goodbye!
i'll make sure that it'll be easy, as i'm not in love/ a friend and everything has been so brief, anyway...
it is slightly painful for now, but tomorrow there is another day and i have work to do!
i don't want to hear any words anymore, i demand actions, so i'm acting first: i'm out! i'm free! and i'm incredibly sad...
oh well...
stav can take it, right?
ps i need to reiterate some stuff, as very important points:
i don't know why i am so against the whole shebang, which is really totally predictable and ugly, i can see the outcome clearly unravelling in front of my eyes, but it doesn't sit right with me, so i'm reacting accordingly; i'm sure it'll all make sense in due time (apart from the fact that i have been taken for a ride in the name of connection and the belonging in some social circle?, which needs to be earned anyway)
i had a very long and interesting conversation, prior to the bang of stupid news, which i suspected anyway, but after a dialogue with a couple of friends, i perhaps decided to ignore, which i thoroughly enjoyed and whatever i said, i meant, but things change all the time, as well as my next move, necessary and for pure survival
writing these journals with passion and furtive energy is indeed very cathartic for me and useful, but no clues are to be found in these writings, as they are polemic and abstract, i hold the key, the secret, the answers, everything else is indicative and only reveals a tiny tiny fraction of me
i smoked three cigarettes and i drank two glasses of red, because i felt like it and i could and i was furious and no one stopped me or cared; in fact, it was facilitated, but the most important thing, is that i spoke my mind solidly...
there is no imagination here, neither any illusions, as certain guilty, immature and plain stupid parties would conveniently refer to, to alleviate, well, their stupidity and pretend they are intelligent, when in real life they are boringly non complex, annoyingly superficial and infuriatingly passive and loose...
i don't want to speak of this again; the chapter was very little and not the main part of the story, but maybe i'm incorrect...
in time...
did i get it so totally wrong among the cheap seductive techniques, the innuendi, the tension, the relentless prose, the godamn connection? I DON'T THINK SO!
did i know it all along? YES, I DID!
but believing in the tiniest glimmer of hope and goodness in some people is sometimes and hopefully not always... futile...
most importantly, i have my space back and i stand taller...! the winner takes it ALL!
