i'll explain... as more time has come...
everything happens for a reason and as it should, i keep saying, writing, preaching, lecturing, pinpointing, insisting, believing in and share with others and of course and as i have said before, it all starts from the self, which translates in simple language for the lazy folk, that a. i practice it for myself and b. there is nothing to worry about, because the universe provides, providing of course, we are alert, positive, strong, intelligent, compassionate and humble enough to allow what it throws us, understand it and create wonders out of it/ them, as much as we can/ want/ desire...
phew... that was a big sentence, like my extensive breath and now, as i'm writing this, i'm letting a big one out... breath, that is!
it's been fourteen days since my last post and i'm back with, yet again, different, fresher, stronger and hopefully more upbeat attitude to episodes and circumstances and life, in general... till it changes again, as the only constant thing in our lives is change and if we don't know this by now, we better get a grip soon, because this is not going to change...!
wow!
it is friday night. 21:48 pm
i'm writing in bed, after supper, a bath and some photo uploading via answering messages and inviting new peeps to join my
groups. this is the second night whereas i have turned my back to my social responsibilities: two private views, an informal birthday gathering and / or a local pub gathering and a club night... oh well... as above, there is a reason for it and i'm running low on hairspray! (i'm sure some of you out there, understand my concern)
it has snowed today and it is a bit white, but not enough to seize modern progress...
but let me go back a bit...since my last harsh, reflective and explanatory post, i emptied my heart from unnecessary anxiety and emotional debris, i naturally did not need.
as i have mentioned before, clearing, finalising, completing and making room for new, different, rewarding, substantial stuff...
as i have mentioned before, i am not in love and i know myself very well, as well as my life, which of course, makes the detachment and final separation easier and cleaner and the path for/ of moving forward less ambiguous.
i was free/ am free again and able to explore my possibilities and abilities and decide upon the shape i want my life/ living/ creativity/ style to take from now on
down to business, which frankly is much juicier than trying to understand (and nothing to understand) weak and idiotic situations, plainly boring and painfully predictable, too! ouch, but true!
(just to reiterate: these are my projections, my responsibilities and my modes of action)
anyway...
i got on with it, feeling better and better every day, thinking less and less, ranting less and less, with no dreams attached to cloud my perception; perfect! on the right path!
one down and out!
on friday 10 december i performed live in front of a very clever, fun and attentive audience 'sugar mary'; the piece about my mother; no fire spitting (people's home and the risk too high; i disagree, but totally respect), but eight white side plates were smashed to pieces on the wooden floor, in front of spectators semi trying to protect themselves amd some apt syrtaki was stepped out with pounding heart.
i was nervous, which is always a good sign and terribly excited to put myself on stage again and create a live visual spectacle. i felt alive and exhausted at the same time and i want to do it again and again, again...
new and known discovery...
on saturday 11 december, i spinned some records at my usual, once a month regular joint and i was joined by two friends, cheered and kissed and offered lush offers, which have proved to be very very drunken (non sexual) so far, for that merriness to be interrupted by a car crash, which a bunch of boys involved me in with their honda!
achilleas' back passenger door is smashed in and the wing damaged; the door does not close properly. i was hit so badly, that the car spun, thrown a good few centimetres away from the other car and finally seized by facing the shop windows.
i was indicating to park in a bay, so that we can get some food before deciding on yes or no to the joiners (gay, fun, decadent dive we all love to hate)
he didn't slow down...
it took me three days to feel normal again; my arm hurt and i had a bruise on my leg; one friend had a pain on her rib and the other friend ended up in hospital with concussion... grrr...
memories of my very very old accident in my mini came flooding back, the smashing sound, the man bellowing to hide his guilt, the damage...
i cried on sunday; shocked and upset and so sorry for me and my car (i get attached to them and i couldn't bear to see the crinkled door)
i got myself together though and joined a christmas gathering, where the laughter was sometimes pearcing and occasionally, i felt the tears rolling down my eyes, but stopped it and i ate cheese and crackers and warm mince pies and critisized an awful tv program, everyone is obsessed about and cracked a joke and entered a dialogue and my heart sank...
why? why me? why now? blast...
and again, everything happens for a reason and as it should, despite the brutality: the car is becoming very costly/ petrol, parts (i drive a rover, which are not manufactured anymore; go figure)
i have got a fully comp insurance, which costs me a fortune every month
it was not my fault
a car is a car and the time has come to get another...
and most importantly: WE ARE ALL ALIVE AND WELL!
two down and almost out!
moving on now, moving fast, detach, learn, act...
i want the slammer east (at the time, as well, now, permanently), so i'm looking for places, talking to some people, exchanging/ sharing ideas with a friend or two...
similar fate to queen Bees from brixton to hackney...
it feels good, it feels right and i'm working on it and after yesterday's very low emotionally and physically exhausting day, which involved a lot of sleep, some weeping, a small panic and a very very long conversation with a new friend, who utterly believes in me and my abilities, almost as much as me, i have once again, turned it around in positive abundance and proactive thinking and doing.
i'll say no more of this till things and events and dates get materialised... i have written about it as an example of my challenging transition and how i never get bored or apathetic; it's just that now, i want certain things to run smoother, so that i can get on with other challenges... wow!
it's a subtle and direct at the same time preparation for the end of a year and the beginning of the other.
it's a sociological observation i place upon myself to see whether i have changed, where, how, have i mellowed, toned it down and what have i learned so far? i'm excited again and i'm ready!
my heart is bare once more, ready for new garments
i have love, because i am love
i move on and up every moment, stronger, taller (no other choice)
courage wolf says: it's better to die standing up, than die on your knees and
life is tough. that is because 'god' is jealous of your progress
as for me, i'll grow a beard and rip it right off!
i keep it real
i keep it simple
i turn it around
i do it!
snap! and let the ritual begin...
'i'm an obsessively, obsessed, obsessing lovist...
words, once so clear, disappear...' (extract from my piece 'let's be... not'. june 2007)
