i read somewhere... 25 december 2019...

before i disappear into my own festive embrace in the kitchen (cooking up a festive feast) and on the sofa, by the tree (for the yearly treat)... i am spreading some positivity, warmth and love, today and everyday from this day forward. <3 span="">

with my festive special 'i read somewhere':

"Surround yourself with people whose eyes light up when they see you and who have no agenda for your reform.

Change yourself in the way you want everyone else to change

Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be jerks

Write a love letter to your evil twin during a lunar eclipse

Dream up wilder, wetter, more interesting problems

Change your name every day for a thousand days

Exaggerate your flaws till they turn into virtues

Kill the apocalypse and annihilate Armageddon

Brag about what you can't do and don't have

Bow down to the greatest mystery you know

Make fun of people who make fun of people

Scare yourself with how beautiful you are

Pretend your wounds are exotic tattoos

Sing anarchist lullabies to lesbian trees

Commit a crime that breaks no laws

Sip the tears of someone you love

Give yourself another chance

Play games with no rules

Relax and go deeper

Mock your fears

Drink the sun".

Fall in love with your life over and over... <3 span="">

I wish you all a wonderful time with your selves and loved ones.
Keep warm, keep safe and remember the ones who have less than you or nothing at all.
Think of those who will never see festivities because of wars and displacement.
Think of those who are ill.
Think of those who have departed this realm.

And remember how fortunate you are for being healthy, alive, prosperous, loved and loving.

Keep swimming and keep the aspidistra flying; we have work to do in the bettering of our world.

In peace and love. 

'whole hole' and 'the speed of stav'

august 21. 
thankfully the summer is still here with rays and warmth. yummy tummy feelings of hope and joy, but not always...

it has gone dark already... i sidetracked myself wih a precious dialoque and a snooze... it's good to be back here, i was missing uploading so much, but i was otherwise engaged... does it matter? i'm here; i never left...

i fell asleep...

august 22. 
south east london. 8:21am. i smell a bit of autumn and although i love this season so much, i am not ready for it... need to nest, first...

as usual, a lot is happening in my reality, keeping me on my toes, challenged, busy, uncomfortable, alive, sharp and aware... new lessons, hopefully, new and less mistakes and definitely, new experiences and adventures, which is what is all about... o. yes, with new folk, too.

where was i?

that story, i gave some kind of importance to, because i needed to and because it was mine, happening to me and taught me that it was all about people and not gender, has withered away successfully and with not too much or very little, or no pain and grain and trauma at all, as it came to its natural end, in its own time, after a platonic existence, which hurt neither parts (although the other still craves the attention; not me).

phew!

it was a nice little interlude based on fantasy, style, fashion and gender struggle and the refusal to compromise... my mentoring was inexhaustible for a very long time, until and thank goodness, a catalyst, redefined my position and i escaped the potential shackles it could have brought me... mind numbing and soul stifling and i'm too old and wise for that, plus there was no love, just power, again, phew!


and i continue... do i have a choice, but to carry on eating life and all its dishes, fattening my starving heart with nutrients of excitement and the new, the fresh, the crazy, the essential, the beautiful... and with love, just around the corner to get me out of my self - inflicted control and stubborness...

and again, phew! i sould not forget to breathe...

which bring me to the now:

i work a lot and most of the time. it's good for me to be busy and to focus on my own projects and making a living for survival and help the others, without being an idiot, but i am also reaching burnt out levels, which i am trying to eliminate with detachment, internal space finding and a day off!
i am tired, but not as i write, because i did take a day off, yesterday, ate greens, devoured six apricots, drank a lot of water, smoked no cigarettes, drank no alcohol and snoozed and slept early, after sending a message, with a lovely thought or two and with no hesitation.

i have chopped bloodlessly, very effectively and completely a few rotten branches from my tree, which, at first seemed to be fun and good and important, only to prove with time and circumstance, ridiculous, selfish, vouyeuristic, creepy and totally overstepping the mark, in the name of friendship and closeness! dangerous and not even challenging! out out out forever and away..., but i knew all along and sometimes, it's good to give some stuff a chance, but only sometimes... as the instincts never fail to fail me...

and i'm growing, cultivating, developing and letting in the well deserved elements, contributing to my precious life! and having so much fun, on top of it, too... with the most wonderful company...

... fresh and wild and totally smart... a little genius, toying within the realms of madness and the extremities of expression via the sounds of music and the layers of emotion... at last, some true, genuine, undiluted intensity, i can relate to, be part of and exchange with...

... and i'm inspired again, smiling again, excited again, apprehensive again, a tad nervous and very sensitive, but brutal and tough and totally into it, anticipating, not the outcome, but the unravelling and all because a new mirror has been discovered to show me up, dust my chair, get me out of my comfort zone, consider me an individual and not some fantastical entity, with a juicy dialogue and a lot of huggings... music? galore! and laughter!

i take it with ease, but not triviality, i smother it not, but totally protect it, as i know it has already faced opposition and misunderstood points of view, laced with jealousy and antagonism... i will strike harder than before, should anyone or anything even begins to consider a demise... keeping it safe, trusting, warm and free and very loving... it is rather simple and no one's business...

my social position, through fate and choice, has brought an array of attentive reactions, demands and responsibility... 
i must take care not to lose myself in some professional abyss, eaten slowly by moths and worms and disappearing in some detrimental race of mundanity and wallowing hollowness... just saying to pinch and remind myself, as i know that this is not going to be possible, even if i slip...

i am a whole hole and super fast... emerging!

i'm called 'the speed of stav' and i begin to realise that is is no exaggeration... good to have the voice to remind me... good to have a voice and the power of kicking against the pricks!

i'll be back... the day has begun and it smells of promise...

but before i go and as i know that death is part of life and the only thing that leaves this earth is the material, i would like to bid farewell to two individuals, whose journey has begun somewhere else, although, without their loved ones, with rest, peace and memory: felix and yana... x

the old thoughts bring the new ones...

january has been and gone, my birthday has been and gone and i am officially eight and in total awareness of who my friends are, who really loves me, who trully cares for me and who... doesn't!


and i am blessed with good folk around me, full of objective and pure, generous givings without conditions and erratic and mental behavioural patterns, projectile and mean...


free from the debris at last and trying not to fill myself again with others' traumas, issues and whatever fucked up feelings they harbour for me! phew! lessons learned and glad these situations showed their true colours, something that i was completely aware of, from the very beginning, but gave them a chance nonetheless and because of beyond my control, at the time, circumstances...


as i said/ wrote/ insinuated/ screamed about/ drawn and performed, my instincts are always correct and they never fail me, but it's ok to challenge them sometimes for the ultimate confirmation...


so, the new year has begun quietly and with a silent bang, which is continually escalating to more activity; socially, artistically, professionally.


onwards and upwards and with no time with too much analysis, especially with the irrelevant stuff, i break patterns, keeping alert and awake and sharp minded and remain super active with work, job, projects, events and... love matters!


titilating, juicy, stimulating, pleasant and smile inducing...
sexy
intelligent
admirable
different
and beautiful!


a surprise...
of course i shall continue...