Sunday 25 September 2011

solitude is precious...

when i started writing...it is friday night. 23 september 2011. 22:39pm. south east london. i'm in bed fighting a possibly small cold to be...


honey, fresh lemon juice, echinacea, vits, hot bath and a positive attitude...
no, i don't think i am going to die alone anymore with the danger that no one will discover me, till i start to smell; i have written before and trixie is not around any longer, sadly, to ask for food or a cuddle, or both...


... but i am alone... listening to mr. static lifotape by lifo mix on soundcloud and its techno ambience filters the melancoly and abyss of my heart, by having my head and feet engaged in some sort of simultaneous movement and my memory delving into familiar and known samples and having my mouth exclaiming: ' i know this '...


all sorts of happenings are, well, happening, on top of one another, at the same time, in short or long intervals and i'm in the middle of it all, absorbing, swallowing, rejecting, digesting, drinking, eating, experiencing and breathing in between...


fast and slow, hard and leniant, ugly and pleasant...
still amidst of all the slaps, beatings and praises, small/ big triumphs, irrelevant behaviours and non sensical attitudes, unfairness and gentleness, sheer camaraderies and blatant jealousies and meanness (at times), all for me to witness, endure, survive and further get shaped...


never a boring moment, yes? no?


on guard, stand by, awake, still, ready, strong, resilient, open and brutal in the truth and the elimination, more final than before, easier, quicker. period


and that is all in my tiny tiny world of personal affairs; the state of the world is full of unbearable anomalies, with famine, thirst, disease, corruption, war, poverty, unemployment, debt, riots, inequality, violence and the ultimate violation of human rights! are we on our way to lose our freedom? are we free? have we ever been?


i carried on today from here:


tired.


is it too cliche to write sometimes about these things, let alone think of them?
as long as they are not happening in our own front yard, then it's ok? is it? but now, our front yard is totally affected and it hurts...


and affects us all from the petrol that we put in our cars (let me tell you, i almost cry everytime i fill zoro up), to the attention we get in hospitals, should, 'god' forbid fall ill... limited to none, let alone gay rights, black rights, women's rights... so advanced and so backward at the same time...


the smaller countries hit so badly, because of past compromises, historical references and the dire economic situation as of late.... STOP!


enough! no politics here, no moaning, no financial analysis of the years to come... this is a love blog full of positivity and understanding, reassuring, believing and ample loving! but this is not a blog refusing reality, either...


yes, i agree... and i shall deliver as i always do, despite the heartbreaks and disappointments, as life is precious and beautiful and full of all things wonderful; like brunches with loved ones on sunday afternoons, walks in the woods in the golden autumn, making art, writing endlessly, debating endlessly, riding by the canal in the summer and beyond, cuddling, reading, devouring foreign lands with your mind, a book or passport, dressing up, smiling, taking photographs, loving, loving, loving...


i am keeping positive and keeping my head above water, constantly and fighting my own battles and sorting out my own problems, which are a combination of bad luck, circumstance, the state of my mind and the state of the world. snap! full circle. everything starts from oneself i keep saying to others and me and end in oneself... a collective behaviour is what we generally miss and when i say generally, i mean that we have some kind of explosive camaraderie, not always positive and productive, which comes out of anger and frustration, but sadly so short term...
and some other times, we have tiny revolutions in the shape of passionate meetings and the joining of groups... doing our best?


it's autumn. the sun is shining still, but it's cooler... windy recently, too. i love the wind. so cleansing.


i'm starting from scratch.
easing into it, with pride and compromise, but with some welcoming dexterity (good for me)
i am constantly conceiving, creating, organising, delegating, employing, executing
i am constantly thinking
my heart is empty, but is it?
being so alone and so clear, is excruciating sometimes, when everything around me is so understood and explained (by me)
i am healthy, i'm alive and the times i say 'what is the point of it all' disappears, thankfully, soon
igniting oneself is empowering, but also exhausting, where is the flame i wish for?
i'm not waiting, i'm not looking, but i anticipate, i yearn... in silence... for now, but not here... it has taken me so long to write here again, i so needed to collect my thoughts and that is the beginning...
... of a new journey, in the new chapter of my life and vice versa... 
... i just hope i remain hopeful to embrace it...
... fully... and reminding myself that i am also surrounded by wonderful people, full of love and support for me, to be reciprocated...


do i have a choice?