10:41am/ 06:41am
the grey/ white clouds are moving swiftly to my left, revealing a lot of blue.
it's chilly, but sunny and hopeful. is spring here? i mean, not only seasonally, but also in my heart? something to discover and look forward to...
life is a roller coaster and unstoppable in energy and event unravelling and circumstances changing and bullshit smashing and foundations building... all nice little and big life metaphors, of course, leaving it to you readers to decipher, according to your own situations...
where was i?
o. yes. sexy and clever and completing a past circle, for more freedom of expression and enjoyment.
baby steps. big leaps. stumbles. falls. risings. silence. tongue. discourse. new lessons. old wounds. disagreement. peace. clarity. reconciliation. love. love. love. distance. space. retreat. recollection.
somewhere beyond the sea, somewhere... but sailing is as important as anchoring and exactly for the same reason; sailing for anchoring; anchoring for sailing and back again...
am i ever going to stop being so cryptic? evasive? secretive? poetic? riddled and heavy with symbolism and analogy?
yes. and no.
i'm thoroughly enjoying my word play for reasons of privacy and... play, but something tells me right now, that i ought and just a little bit be a bit more... simple in my speech, which really is all about love...
maybe i ought to be more of a gardener, immersing my hands in deep soil, feeling the earth and choosing the plants carefully, instead of conceiving an idea, let it float in my head, before it explodes on paper and reveals itself on stage...
maybe i ought to put my heart in the front seat, without the excruciating art of analysis, which, although necessary in other parts, here it should be omitted... phew!
maybe i ought to finally admit that my old methods of over protection, over defence, over brutality and control, don't really work anymore and i really need to turn it around, change the record, relax (as much as possible), in order to achieve some respite, some happiness and some heart flow, it should be, at least a challenge, since i loathe constipation!
so there!
am i in love? some time ago, someone asked me the very same question, i'm asking myself now and my answer was: 'i hope not'.
well, now, i can freely say: 'i hope so'. oops! i just had a little heart skip right now and some rays warmed up my veins... sunshine, inside?!
time will tell. and i definitely love.
and i promise to translate, as at present, i'm relishing my fortune and the ability to be feeling something extraordinary inside me, which makes me warm, excited, nervous, scared, stubborn, angry, sensitive, stupid and goddamn, alive! i am alive! bewitched! captured! touched! pinched! felt! desired! appreciated! respected! trusted! loved!
ok ok, i won't sugar coat it, it would be futile, there are glitches and issues and problems and insecurities and control and anger and hurt and confusion and a lot of differences as well as similarities and to- ing and fro- ing and a lot of love, which, by no means, is not warped, but a bit blocked and stalled sometimes, but as i know and we all know, love is the answer and if it's true, it will shine.
i read somewhere:
'everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain, but you can't have a rainbow without a little rain'.
so, when my dark self bellows at me to walk away from it, because it's too much to bear, what about the social conditionings about rose petal periods, what other might utter in opinion, with a subconscious envy and/ or a desire to protect me from hurt, it's not what i would envisage and / or expected, my other self, the mature, open and positive one, suggests gently, which is quite unusual for me, that i should take a deep breath, calm myself down, exercise patience, because it is a virtue and virtues are crucial, understanding and more love, with space and time and reassess...
am i happy? most of the time.
am i anxious? sometimes.
do i understand? more and more each time.
do i love? more and more, my heart is opening and i'm scared, but not defeated.
phew!
i wish to remain honest and true to myself. so, that i can be true and honest to the other and meet the other half way, if the parts are that way inclined.
exercise more kindness and compassion.
have faith.
be courageous.
stay alert, but not sceptical.
apply constructive criticism and not flippant remarks. talk with and not at.
accept the fact i am not perfect, but i'm a good and decent person.
let go of control as much as possible and turn anger into something more positive and worthwhile.
love more.
hard work, full of rewards, especially, observing myself growing and growing up.
the road is not easy, but i would not want to be anywhere else.
somehow, my past history has faded into some kind of opaque oblivion, with lessons learned from mistakes and hopefully traumas resolved.
it has been a surprise. and now, it's a natural progression of my life's events.
call it destiny, a reason, i cannot underline enough its importance and occurrence and above all, my recognition of it; i hope to honour and expand it to a larger gift, from a tiny present.
that would be my lesson. that would be my improvement.
i look forward to its direction with grace and pride.
i shall remain victorious. my own Boadicea. crowns and tiaras.
