it is 11:58am, here in london, uk, my home and base for the last, almost twenty one years... somewhere else, is somewhere else and it's very irrelevant...
i am in my brockley (london's south east) kitchen, listening to passionate arias on BBC3 and chewing soft porridge with a pinch of sugar and cinnamon (my alternative when i'm out of jam); lady grey tea in my queen Bee mug (a birthday present last year from an ex colleague and now a friend)
it's grey outside, but dry; i can just see a plane ascending in the neverending skies... bon voyage and safe...
and another one... i can almost see some rays, struggling to appear, unlike my words, thoughts and feelings, which are not struggling at all, since every day is a new day, freeer, cleaner, better, more astounding...
i feel comfortable and warm and i am contemplating my day, after i finish writing, reading, correcting, amending, uploading...
yesterday was hard. putting the finishing touches on the canvas of my episode, was a tad annoying, frustrating, difficult and knowing me, being a control freak, wanted out as soon as... but, alas, time, timing, time in, time out, time will tell (as i wrote in my performance 'time and grace') and it always makes sense, in the end, at least for me, had to take its toll
and it did.
i djed last night (my residency for a year and a half now, in the se14's royal albert) and although, i was super organised, totally on time, earlier than, prepared and dressed up, as i usually do, something wasn't working... i realised i was upset and down and felt so lonely and isolated... and for what? i have bloody cooked, eaten, chewed, digested, this dish time and time again and frankly, i am hungry for different stuff, as eating the same food is monotonous and not very good for the health!
so,
i turned it around and made it dirtier, louder, more risque, in an environment, where all sorts of folk turn up, from the local residents, to the dancers of laban and the artists of goldsmith's... and drove some of them crazy and they cheered and danced and came up to me with bravos and asking for my card! (it usually happens, but last night, the set was mostly for me)
phew... apart from love, being the answer, music is the antidote... nice!
i got back to a clean and warm and peaceful home and just got into bed, with not too much thinking... well, i am thinking of something, rather yummy and new, which titilates my interest and perhaps, creates a small skipping beat, somewhere, why not?
back to today:
here is my letter:
Lover,
now, i know (for some time, but now definitely) and after all sorts of emotional rollercoasters, writings and talkings, time, distance, silence, ruthlessness, stupidity, fear, immaturity, beautiful moments and a general lack of will, for whatever reason and/ or excuse, that you are not my lover, nor that i ever wish you to be...
it was tried, badly or well, unimportant, but... it was ugly and beautiful and now, it's gone, gone, gone for better or for worse, i am not interested...
there is no blame, no reprisal, no hate, just sheer love and understanding and a very definite and plain ending to all this unecessary, now, camaraderie...
i feel no shame, no pain, no sorrow, anymore... been there, done that and as i mentioned before, i'm now bored and in need to feel different, more challenging, reciprocal, sexy, lovely, arty, concrete, beautiful stuff...
there is nothing more to say, write, feel... my life is wonderful, as it's always been and it is not my loss, you will not be witnessing its elements and developments
so, i'll make this letter short and sweet, as it is not a love letter, but a letter about love and i have work to do!
i sincerely wish you all the best and luck, of course, as you are going to need it...
yours, i was never
i am a Lover
x
ps, thank you for the experiment, experience, inspiration and the snippets of love, you have allowed us to feel, somehow and sometimes.
