11:30pm alone somewhere semi busy and quasi loud, i am writing... i'm overwhelmed with emotion and excitement, anxiety metamorphosed... it's close, very close, but not quite there yet, but i feel it intensely, breathlessly... it's sexy painful sweet strong and full of love/ this is my spring... my little secret to relish and protect... more later...
tuesday 12 march 2013 10:41am/ 06:41am the grey/ white clouds are moving swiftly to my left, revealing a lot of blue. it's chilly, but sunny and hopeful. is spring here? i mean, not only seasonally, but also in my heart? something to discover and look forward to... life is a roller coaster and unstoppable in energy and event unravelling and circumstances changing and bullshit smashing and foundations building... all nice little and big life metaphors, of course, leaving it to you readers to decipher, according to your own situations... where was i? o. yes. sexy and clever and completing a past circle, for more freedom of expression and enjoyment. baby steps. big leaps. stumbles. falls. risings. silence. tongue. discourse. new lessons. old wounds. disagreement. peace. clarity. reconciliation. love. love. love. distance. space. retreat. recollection. somewhere beyond the sea, somewhere... but sailing is as important as anchoring and exactly for the same reason; sailing for anchoring; anchoring for sailing and back again... am i ever going to stop being so cryptic? evasive? secretive? poetic? riddled and heavy with symbolism and analogy? yes. and no. i'm thoroughly enjoying my word play for reasons of privacy and... play, but something tells me right now, that i ought and just a little bit be a bit more... simple in my speech, which really is all about love... maybe i ought to be more of a gardener, immersing my hands in deep soil, feeling the earth and choosing the plants carefully, instead of conceiving an idea, let it float in my head, before it explodes on paper and reveals itself on stage... maybe i ought to put my heart in the front seat, without the excruciating art of analysis, which, although necessary in other parts, here it should be omitted... phew! maybe i ought to finally admit that my old methods of over protection, over defence, over brutality and control, don't really work anymore and i really need to turn it around, change the record, relax (as much as possible), in order to achieve some respite, some happiness and some heart flow, it should be, at least a challenge, since i loathe constipation! so there! am i in love? some time ago, someone asked me the very same question, i'm asking myself now and my answer was: 'i hope not'. well, now, i can freely say: 'i hope so'. oops! i just had a little heart skip right now and some rays warmed up my veins... sunshine, inside?! time will tell. and i definitely love. and i promise to translate, as at present, i'm relishing my fortune and the ability to be feeling something extraordinary inside me, which makes me warm, excited, nervous, scared, stubborn, angry, sensitive, stupid and goddamn, alive! i am alive! bewitched! captured! touched! pinched! felt! desired! appreciated! respected! trusted! loved! ok ok, i won't sugar coat it, it would be futile, there are glitches and issues and problems and insecurities and control and anger and hurt and confusion and a lot of differences as well as similarities and to- ing and fro- ing and a lot of love, which, by no means, is not warped, but a bit blocked and stalled sometimes, but as i know and we all know, love is the answer and if it's true, it will shine. i read somewhere: 'everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain, but you can't have a rainbow without a little rain'. so, when my dark self bellows at me to walk away from it, because it's too much to bear, what about the social conditionings about rose petal periods, what other might utter in opinion, with a subconscious envy and/ or a desire to protect me from hurt, it's not what i would envisage and / or expected, my other self, the mature, open and positive one, suggests gently, which is quite unusual for me, that i should take a deep breath, calm myself down, exercise patience, because it is a virtue and virtues are crucial, understanding and more love, with space and time and reassess... am i happy? most of the time. am i anxious? sometimes. do i understand? more and more each time. do i love? more and more, my heart is opening and i'm scared, but not defeated. phew! i wish to remain honest and true to myself. so, that i can be true and honest to the other and meet the other half way, if the parts are that way inclined. exercise more kindness and compassion. have faith. be courageous. stay alert, but not sceptical. apply constructive criticism and not flippant remarks. talk with and not at. accept the fact i am not perfect, but i'm a good and decent person. let go of control as much as possible and turn anger into something more positive and worthwhile. love more. hard work, full of rewards, especially, observing myself growing and growing up. the road is not easy, but i would not want to be anywhere else. somehow, my past history has faded into some kind of opaque oblivion, with lessons learned from mistakes and hopefully traumas resolved. it has been a surprise. and now, it's a natural progression of my life's events. call it destiny, a reason, i cannot underline enough its importance and occurrence and above all, my recognition of it; i hope to honour and expand it to a larger gift, from a tiny present. that would be my lesson. that would be my improvement. i look forward to its direction with grace and pride. i shall remain victorious. my own Boadicea. crowns and tiaras.
i am just coming out of an iceberg, which nearly burned me... it started in july... i was alone, which really has been my state for some time... normal... a messy black thunder entered my orbit and something cracked, or did i allow it to crack? i shall never know, nor i want to, either. the fantasy - reality begun: verbal and physical activity, viral communication, crazy talk, one sided generosity, half baked appreciation, fear, madness, a lot of laughter, music, intensity, which has ended in a semi blockage, lying and involving other people! well, that is enough! although i understand, i won't allow it to affect me anymore; there will be no more chances, no room for negotiation, no reconciliation, no admittance to a potential big love, no excuses, no reaction to micro and poor politics and antics, because of the bleak past, which really has nothing to do with me and i am certainly not responsible for... what i am responsible for, are my actions, projections and expectations and subsequently feelings, who i have kept close to my heart, revealed to no one and eventually buried in the abyss of my soul, never to be surfaced again... i simply refuse to be abused by someone, who i have cared deeply for, loved hard and asked nothing for in return... although my brutality and lack of gentleness and sometimes, i have been sound and consistent, fearfully protective and immensely nurturing and what i have had in return and, i say it again, without asking, is fundamentally, lack of respect, insult, gossip, misunderstanding and sheer stupidity... there is no point going through the debris to find the diamond... there is no diamond there, there was never a diamond there... i tried and anticipated and hoped and believed and waited and again, all the above, my own doing and responsibility, to be faced with, yet again another obstacle, another sign of insecurity, another thorn, cutting my side, bleeding it, another part to heal again... no. i don't think so. i have had a very interesting and challenging time, despite the darkness, but the darkness was thicker than the light and i have got to protect myself, therefore, i must go with no remorse, although i am filled with sadness and again and i suffer, but for not too long and with the least damage...
... as i have been there may times and repeating the pattern and going through the same history, with a different protagonist, would be at least foolish from my part and i have neither time, nor patience for it... love, which, i'm sure is there somewhere, has nothing to do with it and i'll be damned if i tolerate teenage shenanigans from someone, who takes no responsibility, because they are broken and damaged... no. i don't think so. i also know that things will change, as the only consistent thing in our lives is change and it is all going to be water under the bridge, eventually, but for the time being, there is a a silent war and not only with one particular specimen of an individual, who i shall love forever, but a very small number of individuals, who, i come to realise, have always had some agenda and it will be quite difficult for me to consider friends again, as i never really thought they were in the first place... meanwhile, apart from myself, i nurture the real people in my life, who are simply gorgeous, sexy, interesting, caring, loving, supporting and understanding and who deserve my attention and love... room for the new, the fresh, the right, the wonderful... for souls, who won't bend and compromise, because of the state of the world, won't lose faith and solidarity, because of fear and peer pressure and will remain their true selves, full of fire, energy and truth! and i'm blessed to be knowing such folk... fortunate...
and getting on with business, which is getting busier, better, more colourful and eventually, profitable... on my first quarrel, i wrote a performance, which i am eager to record and perform; it is my homage to myself and my goodbye to the story, which i was always aware about, even if i let myself immersed in it for a bit... i and we know deep in our hearts, that the connection will never cease and true love and true friendship always shine... there is no worry there... life knows, fate knows, we know... now, that i have cleaned up my act and there is so much room in my aura, something good is happening in the form of someone, warm and lovely with pains of their own dealt with the utmost integrity... more in the next post, as i need to catch my breath and feel it more... onwards and upwards, i continue, do i have a choice?
august 21. thankfully the summer is still here with rays and warmth. yummy tummy feelings of hope and joy, but not always... it has gone dark already... i sidetracked myself wih a precious dialoque and a snooze... it's good to be back here, i was missing uploading so much, but i was otherwise engaged... does it matter? i'm here; i never left... i fell asleep... august 22. south east london. 8:21am. i smell a bit of autumn and although i love this season so much, i am not ready for it... need to nest, first... as usual, a lot is happening in my reality, keeping me on my toes, challenged, busy, uncomfortable, alive, sharp and aware... new lessons, hopefully, new and less mistakes and definitely, new experiences and adventures, which is what is all about... o. yes, with new folk, too. where was i? that story, i gave some kind of importance to, because i needed to and because it was mine, happening to me and taught me that it was all about people and not gender, has withered away successfully and with not too much or very little, or no pain and grain and trauma at all, as it came to its natural end, in its own time, after a platonic existence, which hurt neither parts (although the other still craves the attention; not me). phew! it was a nice little interlude based on fantasy, style, fashion and gender struggle and the refusal to compromise... my mentoring was inexhaustible for a very long time, until and thank goodness, a catalyst, redefined my position and i escaped the potential shackles it could have brought me... mind numbing and soul stifling and i'm too old and wise for that, plus there was no love, just power, again, phew! and i continue... do i have a choice, but to carry on eating life and all its dishes, fattening my starving heart with nutrients of excitement and the new, the fresh, the crazy, the essential, the beautiful... and with love, just around the corner to get me out of my self - inflicted control and stubborness... and again, phew! i sould not forget to breathe... which bring me to the now: i work a lot and most of the time. it's good for me to be busy and to focus on my own projects and making a living for survival and help the others, without being an idiot, but i am also reaching burnt out levels, which i am trying to eliminate with detachment, internal space finding and a day off! i am tired, but not as i write, because i did take a day off, yesterday, ate greens, devoured six apricots, drank a lot of water, smoked no cigarettes, drank no alcohol and snoozed and slept early, after sending a message, with a lovely thought or two and with no hesitation. i have chopped bloodlessly, very effectively and completely a few rotten branches from my tree, which, at first seemed to be fun and good and important, only to prove with time and circumstance, ridiculous, selfish, vouyeuristic, creepy and totally overstepping the mark, in the name of friendship and closeness! dangerous and not even challenging! out out out forever and away..., but i knew all along and sometimes, it's good to give some stuff a chance, but only sometimes... as the instincts never fail to fail me... and i'm growing, cultivating, developing and letting in the well deserved elements, contributing to my precious life! and having so much fun, on top of it, too... with the most wonderful company... ... fresh and wild and totally smart... a little genius, toying within the realms of madness and the extremities of expression via the sounds of music and the layers of emotion... at last, some true, genuine, undiluted intensity, i can relate to, be part of and exchange with... ... and i'm inspired again, smiling again, excited again, apprehensive again, a tad nervous and very sensitive, but brutal and tough and totally into it, anticipating, not the outcome, but the unravelling and all because a new mirror has been discovered to show me up, dust my chair, get me out of my comfort zone, consider me an individual and not some fantastical entity, with a juicy dialogue and a lot of huggings... music? galore! and laughter! i take it with ease, but not triviality, i smother it not, but totally protect it, as i know it has already faced opposition and misunderstood points of view, laced with jealousy and antagonism... i will strike harder than before, should anyone or anything even begins to consider a demise... keeping it safe, trusting, warm and free and very loving... it is rather simple and no one's business... my social position, through fate and choice, has brought an array of attentive reactions, demands and responsibility... i must take care not to lose myself in some professional abyss, eaten slowly by moths and worms and disappearing in some detrimental race of mundanity and wallowing hollowness... just saying to pinch and remind myself, as i know that this is not going to be possible, even if i slip... i am a whole hole and super fast... emerging! i'm called 'the speed of stav' and i begin to realise that is is no exaggeration... good to have the voice to remind me... good to have a voice and the power of kicking against the pricks! i'll be back... the day has begun and it smells of promise... but before i go and as i know that death is part of life and the only thing that leaves this earth is the material, i would like to bid farewell to two individuals, whose journey has begun somewhere else, although, without their loved ones, with rest, peace and memory: felix and yana... x
