152 days ago..

... i lept (literally)

for love

and there is no regret or remorse there
and i would do it again and again

i am better, stronger, more refined, more loved up than before

i feel that this week is going to be a good one, something's good is coming my way (our way)

i am spreading it wholeheartedly and there is no stopping or turning back...

nice.

for invigorating and vibrant connections

it's sunday early evening and it is dark already... (i discovered that we are two hours apart, instead of three/ DST)
it has been raining all day; the gardens are still lush and green and the skies started opening later... the clouds were golden...

i am at home, properly relaxing after work, slammer (which went well with fun, warmth, romance, diiferent folk, ambient and with opportunities for the future; i'm racing fast) work, catching up with friends (by skype/ text/ phonecall), cooking yummy greens and roasting a corn on the cob... peppermint tea to wash it all down and keep me clean and hydrated

writing/ preparing the new piece and for here, listening to various singings and thinking constantly and reflecting upon my weekend, my life, the state of my heart, which i don't want to lose, in the midst of all this activity and heavy scheduling and then, i remember that i don't have one, because it's been taken away, so there are no worries there, are there?

one more time, one more day, where:
1. i am cool, calm, collected
2. i am silent, with no resentment and working on my anger, whenever and if ever it occurs (not very often, because i remember that i understand, as well as i don't want to waste time with pointlessness)
3. i remain as positive and patient as possible; after all, love is a beautiful emotion, to make me happy and not sad
4. i accept the sadness however and sometimes and turning it around immediately, by thinking and/ or doing positive, creative, fun stuff; not hard, as i'm super social and super busy
5. i'm feeling the pain (although i did say to my last post that i'm letting go of it; i am contradictory, as well as intense)
6. i am not mean, gossipy, violent, panicky, flustered and freaked out, but full of integrity, discretion and self - respect, with my passion intact
7. i am not headfucking myself by having frequent flashing memories of nice, ugly, funny and overall loving moments, days and more moments, as well as listening to sade's 'your love is king', sometimes, like earlier today, while i was cooking

of course, all the above are relative and good on paper and trust me, i fulfill most of them; however, what i really really would like to do is:
1. scream louder than i normally do
2. love more and tell her
3. write to her and book a ticket
4. remind her that we are both still alive - just -
5. book a date in the town hall
6. go to her and hide in her arms, tell her and share much and listen loads
7. start smiling and be at peace again, all the way from the inside...

all the above are relative too and the order can be changed

i haven't stopped thinking and i haven't stopped feeling... which is a good thing and this how it is... for now and some time...

causing ripples, taking it further, slamming it thunderously and my worries dissipate as soon as they appear...

i might have a plan...

life

thursday has just begun. i'm sitting in the kitchen, writing on the table, munching gluten free chocolate stars on vanilla soya milk... i'm thinking, after running around today, trying to have the windscreen fixed (saturday, now), cycling (third day in a row), not smoking (third day in a row) and not having wine (third day in a row). it's a bit chilly; i've put the heating on to take the edge for a bit. is the weather turning? autumn/ spring? the sun is still shining (rather warm on my skin yesterday), but it has rained and it gets windy... i'm not ready yet, although i am preparing, organising, fixing, tidying, remembering, feeling, keeping clean, cool, calm and collected (although i shouted at the auto glass people)...
the silence continues... it's ok. the twentieth day of the month... simmering...

friday 13 was DJ day/ party time somewhere else... a friend is leaving the country, so i joined a gathering afterwards east. there was food for plants passing around and i certainly passed; recreation and style are my mottos and these have changed direction, gladly...
i found myself in a different environ on saturday night 14, where two hours became nine and i listened to a lot of ska, watching the skinheads and the rockabillies and the rastas dancing and mingling and necking down the beer... time warp, but nice...
on sunday 15, i was in bed with someone in my pyjamas, without the someone (skype) for about four hours and that brought back sweet memories; we chatted and then we met for pizza and some wine and another long chat on love, art, life... new found behaviour and mateship... that night, bad news on a good friend's rather nasty (she is alive and healing well and sleeping peacefully, as i'm writing this), bike accident (not her fault, but a car's, which hit her back wheel and knocked her on the floor unconscious for a bit, with thankfully no internal bleeding, but a big bash), brought the weekend to a shock and horror and fright and more compassion and more love (where is she, when i really need her?), of how temporal and selfish and stupid we all are with our futile fights and self indulgent experiments and i got distracted and pulled away from my trance, to be practical and useful, by making calls and offering help and support...
memories of other painful events (ie rosie's brain haemorrage, my own motorbike accident and the big sea, which keeps us apart), all came flooding in, to make me realise...
i coudn't sleep... yes, i dreamt again of (when i finally fell asleep)... and it was another lovely, prophetic, busy dream...
monday and tuesday became my visiting hospital days (a long and a short one), with tears (i could hardly contain them, so i let them out upon my exit), hugs, kisses, kind words, other people, more hugs, sadness for the incident, but sheer joy for the positive outcome, texts, calls, facebook messages, cards, lavender oil for the pressure points, pret - a - manger and e.a.t sandwitches, cakes and mousses, via watching the nurse testing with simple questions to make sure she was mentally alert and simple physical exercises, to make sure she was able to lift legs and squeeze hands... i was taking it all in, looking at the other patients, who were older and in seeemingly more severe situations than my friend and thought how lucky she has been. how a single blow could take away everything we have learnt and/ or worked hard for away, to start again from the basics... she is in pain, uncomfortable, but in a very strange way, i am glad that she feels the pain, instead of... hears the construction work that goes on downstairs and gets annoyed by it, instead of... she will be ok. and she will heal. and she will cycle again. and life will continue with all its beauties and bumps... time for loving, not fighting...
and i shall keep an eye on her wonderful partner, who's been a hero, a rock, patient and giving her hand, her time, her love with no complain, no panic, no distress... but i would like to offer her a cushion to lie on when the ordeal is over, so that she can rest...

we are all in this together and love is the answer, as we know that for sure...

i love you (if you are reading this, with no fear, hesitation and hopefully, less and less ego every day). be safe.

walk, cycle, drive, fly, travel safely everyone... we must meet again in this glorious rollercoaster, called LIFE!

new month, new moon, new insights...

july finished with a wedding and a party. gay, merry, colourful, loving... in the garden of a london home... i mingled, snacked, sipped champagne between water and nibbles, took photos, had a little dance, but mostly observed: i felt safe and serene, in the green bosom of good camaraderie and fun. i felt the love. i needed it. i allowed myself to drift sometimes, allow the melancholy to take me over, without anyone noticing and it was lovely; missing... the empty seat... wishing so much... shhhh...

food is important for thought and nurturing

today's breakfast (apple and melon chunks with cinnamon and a drizzle of lemon juice) and a freshly squeezed mandarine (the last of the winter), as well as some lunches/ suppers of recent times; fair, organic, healthy, fresh, seasonal and delicious.
sharing...

the box of love

Grace Jones via last.fm

this weekend was packed with art and music.

friday found me in the southbank, around the nft and hayward gallery being filmed as a genius/ mad scientist, who is working passionately on a formula, which will change the future... film noir, sci - fi short, devised by sarah baker and anthony gross for the architectural association crash editing course they are teaching at.
i was asked to play myself, dressed as i do, playing with androgyny and style.
it is rather challenging playing yourself with someone else's idea; out of the comfort zone; you are pushed to push it... i really enjoyed it and got into it quite quickly; throwing formula papers around, smoking, writing, thinking, walking off, around, in...

i'm writing some words for it now...

on saturday, there was art at the chisenhale gallery, called 27 senses, which included performances, mixed media installations, drawings and film, unchilled white wine, photographing friends and moments on the hipsta, a drive to the turkish for some falafel, a visit to vor's for some better red wine and pasta and the attendance of a warehouse party, which was too big, too sweaty, too straight, with an ex impassing, but felt nothing! some elements were good, an act and all of us together dancing, making the best of it all, via smoking intervals in the open space for chats and some air...

sunday was the last day for lovebox music festival in victoria park. i decided to indulge, because i have plenty of free time (at the moment) and i suppose, it's always good to experience new things at least once (i always disagreed paying for a festival in a park in your own city, but alas...).
it was a beautiful, sunny and hot day; perfect for it.

i saw hot chip, djing and performing and i decided that they are good. too much hype in a new band creates the opposite effect on me (let me decide for myself media, thank you very much and i detest crowd mentality).
hercules and love affair, who are darlings and fresh and really really friendly.
feral, who was excellent and deserved another song.
peaches, who i am going to write a small review on her show; re: style, subservience, music, shock factor; still thinking about this one, which i suppose it is a good thing.
grace jones... what an amazing woman, personae, performer... the syle, the energy, the attitude... she's got it, she can do it and she continues to colour queen Bees beautifully with her images and to inspire with her music... nice.
i saw friends and that was good and some enemies, too.
photographs were taken. food was eaten. a glass of wine and lots of water. lots of walking around. thinking. refusing to be sad, but slightly melancolic. active and alive. love.

i rounded the night up with a spot of horse meat disco; i love these boys and the disco, too.

i drove home with some kind of satisfaction... knowing that sleeping will be a thing of a later hour...

it was a fine weekend and i wish that...

eating well is important and that was today's lunch

beetroot and two kinds of cabbage, barley, string beans and herbs soup with a dollop of vegan butter

8pm

scared and excited

the vegetable box

nurture

she told me that the vegetable box, which arrives on my doorstep every thursday and the true blood series are two things to be happy and not cry about...

lovely

in the kitchen in the house of brockley, cooking magic

the true blood series 2 watched back to back till the early hours of yesterday morning

dead can dance on spotify

i wish...

i would have liked...

polenta and lightly sauteed mushrooms and greens

pearl barley stew with carrots and asparagus and other treats