it's sunday early evening and it is dark already... (i discovered that we are two hours apart, instead of three/ DST)
it has been raining all day; the gardens are still lush and green and the skies started opening later... the clouds were golden...
i am at home, properly relaxing after work, slammer (which went well with fun, warmth, romance, diiferent folk, ambient and with opportunities for the future; i'm racing fast) work, catching up with friends (by skype/ text/ phonecall), cooking yummy greens and roasting a corn on the cob... peppermint tea to wash it all down and keep me clean and hydrated
writing/ preparing the new piece and for here, listening to various singings and thinking constantly and reflecting upon my weekend, my life, the state of my heart, which i don't want to lose, in the midst of all this activity and heavy scheduling and then, i remember that i don't have one, because it's been taken away, so there are no worries there, are there?
one more time, one more day, where:
1. i am cool, calm, collected
2. i am silent, with no resentment and working on my anger, whenever and if ever it occurs (not very often, because i remember that i understand, as well as i don't want to waste time with pointlessness)
3. i remain as positive and patient as possible; after all, love is a beautiful emotion, to make me happy and not sad
4. i accept the sadness however and sometimes and turning it around immediately, by thinking and/ or doing positive, creative, fun stuff; not hard, as i'm super social and super busy
5. i'm feeling the pain (although i did say to my last post that i'm letting go of it; i am contradictory, as well as intense)
6. i am not mean, gossipy, violent, panicky, flustered and freaked out, but full of integrity, discretion and self - respect, with my passion intact
7. i am not headfucking myself by having frequent flashing memories of nice, ugly, funny and overall loving moments, days and more moments, as well as listening to sade's 'your love is king', sometimes, like earlier today, while i was cooking
of course, all the above are relative and good on paper and trust me, i fulfill most of them; however, what i really really would like to do is:
1. scream louder than i normally do
2. love more and tell her
3. write to her and book a ticket
4. remind her that we are both still alive - just -
5. book a date in the town hall
6. go to her and hide in her arms, tell her and share much and listen loads
7. start smiling and be at peace again, all the way from the inside...
all the above are relative too and the order can be changed
i haven't stopped thinking and i haven't stopped feeling... which is a good thing and this how it is... for now and some time...
causing ripples, taking it further, slamming it thunderously and my worries dissipate as soon as they appear...
i might have a plan...
