Whatever you choose to focus your attention on, you will get more of it. If you dwell on the good things you have already had the privilege to experience, you will expand your appreciation for their blessings, which in turn will amplify their beneficent impact on your life. You will also magnetise yourself to receive further good things, making it more likely that they will be attracted into your sphere. At the very least, you will get in the habit of enjoying yourself no matter what the outward circumstances are.
Bear in mind that you are a great wizard. You can use your powers to practice white magic on yourself instead of the other kind. The most basic way to do that is to concentrate on naming, savouring, and feeling gratitude for the blessings you do have—your love for your kid, the pleasures of eating the food you like, the sight of the sky at dusk, the entertaining drama of your unique fate. Don't ignore the bad stuff, but make a point of celebrating the beautiful stuff with all the exuberant devotion you can muster.
Speak the following lines out loud: I love everything about me I love my uncanny beauty and my bewildering pain I love my hungry soul and my wounded longing I love my flaws, my fears, and my scary frontiers
I will never forsake, betray, or deceive myself I will always adore, forgive, and believe in myself I will never refuse, abandon, or scorn myself I will always amuse, delight, and redeem myself.
and remember:
"Every act of genius, is an act contra naturam: against nature." Indeed, every effort to achieve psychological integration and union with the divine requires a knack for working against the grain. Carl Jung
The great secret to becoming enlightened, is "to walk in all things contrary to the world." Jacob Boehme
"The basis of the spiritual approach to life, the foundation of the everyday practice of a person who lives the life of obedience to esoteric law, is the reversal of the more usual ways of thinking, speaking and doing." Paul Foster Case
have a great week, full of focus, gratitude and love.
To regain patience, learn to love the sour, the bitter, the salty, the clear." James Richardson Because if you enhance your appreciation for the sour, the bitter, the salty, and the clear, you will not only regain patience, but also generate unexpected opportunities. You will tonify your mood, beautify your attitude, and deepen your gravitas. Seek out the tangy, the smouldering, the soggy, the spunky, the chirpy, the gritty, and an array of other experiences you may have previously kept at a distance.
Here are three of our deepest spiritual aspirations:
1. to develop the capacity to thrive in the midst of raging contradictions;
2. to be discerning as we protect ourselves from people's flaws while at the same time being generous as we celebrate their beauty;
3. to refrain from dividing the world into two groups, those who help and agree with us and those who don't.
"A thousand half-loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home." Rumi. You will be invited to shed a host of wishy-washy wishes so as to become strong and smart enough to go in quest of a very few burning, churning yearnings. Are you ready to sacrifice the mediocre in service to the sublime?
have a great day everyone. everything is all right and you are amazing! x
“Life loves the liver of it. You must live and life will be good to you.”
The light of the world has grown a little dimmer with the loss of the phenomenal Maya Angelou, but her legacy endures as a luminous beacon of strength, courage, and spiritual beauty. Angelou’s timeless wisdom shines with unparalleled light in a 1977 interview by journalist Judith Rich, found in Conversations with Maya Angelou (public library) — the same magnificent tome that gave us the beloved author’s conversation with Bill Moyers on freedom — in which Angelou explores issues of identity and the meaning of life.
Reflecting on her life, Angelou — who rose to cultural prominence through the sheer tenacity of her character and talent, despite being born into a tumultuous working-class family, abandoned by her father at the age of three, and raped at the age of eight — tells Rich:
I’ve been very fortunate… I seem to have a kind of blinkers. I just do not allow too many negatives to soil me. I’m very blessed. I have looked quite strange in most of the places I have lived in my life, the stages, spaces I’ve moved through. I of course grew up with my grandmother: my grandmother’s people and my brother are very very black, very lovely. And my mother’s people were very very fair. I was always sort of in between. I was too tall. My voice was too heavy. My attitude was too arrogant — or tenderhearted. So if I had accepted what people told me I looked like as a negative yes, then I would be dead. But I accepted it and I thought, well, aren’t I the lucky one.
She later revisits the question of identity, echoing Leo Buscaglia’s beautiful meditation on labels, as she reflects on the visibility her success granted her and the responsibility that comes with it:
What I represent in fact, what I’m trying like hell to represent every time I go into that hotel room, is myself. That’s what I’m trying to do. And I miss most of the time on that: I do not represent blacks or tall women, or women or Sonomans or Californians or Americans. Or rather I hope I do, because I am all those things. But that is not all that I am. I am all of that and more and less. People often put labels on people so they don’t have to deal with the physical fact of those people. It’s easy to say, oh, that’s a honkie, that’s a Jew, that’s a junkie, or that’s a broad, or that’s a stud, or that’s a dude. So you don’t have to think: does this person long for Christmas? Is he afraid that the Easter bunny will become polluted? … I refuse that… I simply refuse to have my life narrowed and proscribed.
To be sure, beneath Angelou’s remarkable optimism and dignity lies the strenuous reality she had to overcome. Reflecting on her youth, she channels an experience all too familiar to those who enter life from a foundation the opposite of privilege:
It’s very hard to be young and curious and almost egomaniacally concerned with one’s intelligence and to have no education at all and no direction and no doors to be open… To go figuratively to a door and find there’s no doorknob.
And yet Angelou acknowledges with great gratitude the kindness of those who opened doors for her in her spiritual and creative journey. Remembering the Jewish rabbi who offered her guidance in faith and philosophy and who showed up at her hospital bedside many years later after a serious operation, Angelou tells Rich:
The kindnesses … I never forget them. And so they keep one from becoming bitter. They encourage you to be as strong, as volatile as necessary to make a well world. Those people who gave me so much, and still give me so much, have a passion about them. And they encourage the passion in me. I’m very blessed that I have a healthy temper. I can become quite angry and burning in anger, but I have never been bitter. Bitterness is a corrosive, terrible acid. It just eats you and makes you sick.
Painting by Basquiat from Angelou's 'Life Doesn't Frighten Me.' Click image for more.
At the end of the interview, Angelou reflects on the meaning of life — a meditation all the more poignant as we consider, in the wake of her death, how beautifully she embodied the wisdom of her own words:
I’ve always had the feeling that life loves the liver of it. You must live and life will be good to you, give you experiences. They may not all be that pleasant, but nobody promised you a rose garden. But more than likely if you do dare, what you get are the marvelous returns. Courage is probably the most important of the virtues, because without courage you cannot practice any of the other virtues, you can’t say against a murderous society, I oppose your murdering. You got to have courage to do so. I seem to have known that a long time and found great joy in it.
“Only one mountain can know the core of another mountain.”
Mexican painter and reconstructionistFrida Kahlo is among the most remarkable figures of contemporary culture. At a young age, she contracted polio, which left her right leg underdeveloped — an imperfection she’d later come to disguise with her famous colorful skirts. A decade later, as one of only thirty-five female students at Mexico’s prestigious Preparatoria school, she was in a serious traffic accident, which resulted in multiple body fractures and internal lesions inflicted by an iron rod that had pierced her stomach and uterus. It took her three months in full-body cast to recover and though she eventually willed her way to walking again, she spent the rest of her life battling frequent relapses of extreme pain and enduring frequent hospital visits, including more than thirty operations. As a way of occupying herself while bedridden, Kahlo made her first strides in painting — then went on to become one of the most influential painters in modern art.
Two years after the accident, in 1927, she met the painter Diego River, whose work she’d come to admire and who became her mentor. In 1929, despite the vocal protestations of Kahlo’s mother, Frida and Diego were wedded and one of art history’s most notoriously tumultuous marriages commenced. Both had multiple affairs, the most notable of which for bisexual Kahlo were with French singer, dancer, and actress Josephine Baker and Russian Marxist theorist Leon Trotsky. And yet her bond with Diego was one of transcendental passion and immense love.
Diego. Truth is, so great, that I wouldn’t like to speak, or sleep, or listen, or love. To feel myself trapped, with no fear of blood, outside time and magic, within your own fear, and your great anguish, and within the very beating of your heart. All this madness, if I asked it of you, I know, in your silence, there would be only confusion. I ask you for violence, in the nonsense, and you, you give me grace, your light and your warmth. I’d like to paint you, but there are no colors, because there are so many, in my confusion, the tangible form of my great love.
F.
Diego:
Nothing compares to your hands, nothing like the green-gold of your eyes. My body is filled with you for days and days. you are the mirror of the night. the violent flash of lightning. the dampness of the earth. The hollow of your armpits is my shelter. my fingers touch your blood. All my joy is to feel life spring from your flower-fountain that mine keeps to fill all the paths of my nerves which are yours.
Auxochrome — Chromophore. Diego.
She who wears the color. He who sees the color. Since the year 1922.
Until always and forever. Now in 1944. After all the hours lived through. The vectors continue in their original direction. Nothing stops them. With no more knowledge than live emotion. With no other wish than to go on until they meet. Slowly. With great unease, but with the certainty that all is guided by the “golden section.” There is cellular arrangement. There is movement. There is light. All centers are the same. Folly doesn’t exist. We are the same as we were and as we will be. Not counting on idiotic destiny.
My Diego:
Mirror of the night
Your eyes green swords inside my flesh. waves between our hands.
All of you in a space full of sounds — in the shade and in the light. You were called AUXOCHROME the one who captures color. I CHROMOPHORE — the one who gives color.
You are all the combinations of numbers. life. My wish is to understand lines form shades movement. You fulfill and I receive. Your word travels the entirety of space and reaches my cells which are my stars then goes to yours which are my light.
Auxochrome — Chromophore
It was the thirst of many years restrained in our body. Chained words which we could not say except on the lips of dreams. Everything was surrounded by the green miracle of the landscape of your body. Upon your form, the lashes of the flowers responded to my touch, the murmur of streams. There was all manner of fruits in the juice of your lips, the blood of the pomegranate, the horizon of the mammee and the purified pineapple. I pressed you against my breast and the prodigy of your form penetrated all my blood through the tips of my fingers. Smell of oak essence, memories of walnut, green breath of ash tree. Horizon and landscapes = I traced them with a kiss. Oblivion of words will form the exact language for understanding the glances of our closed eyes. = You are here, intangible and you are all the universe which I shape into the space of my room. Your absence springs trembling in the ticking of the clock, in the pulse of light; you breathe through the mirror. From you to my hands, I caress your entire body, and I am with you for a minute and I am with myself for a moment. And my blood is the miracle which runs in the vessels of the air from my heart to yours.
The green miracle of the landscape of my body becomes in your the whole of nature. I fly through it to caress the rounded hills with my fingertips, my hands sink into the shadowy valleys in an urge to possess and I’m enveloped in the embrace of gentle branches, green and cool. I penetrate the sex of the whole earth, her heat chars me and my entire body is rubbed by the freshness of the tender leaves. Their dew is the sweat of an ever-new lover.
It’s not love, or tenderness, or affection, it’s life itself, my life, that I found what I saw it in your hands, in your month and in your breasts. I have the taste of almonds from your lips in my mouth. Our worlds have never gone outside. Only one mountain can know the core of another mountain.
Your presence floats for a moment or two as if wrapping my whole being in an anxious wait for the morning. I notice that I’m with you. At that instant still full of sensations, my hands are sunk in oranges, and my body feels surrounded by your arms.
For my Diego
the silent life giver of worlds, what is most important is the nonillusion. morning breaks, the friendly reds, the big blues, hands full of leaves, noisy birds, fingers in the hair, pigeons’ nests a rare understanding of human struggle simplicity of the senseless song the folly of the wind in my heart = don’t let them rhyme girl = sweet xocolatl [chocolate] of ancient Mexico, storm in the blood that comes in through the mouth — convulsion, omen, laughter and sheer teeth needles of pearl, for some gift on a seventh of July, I ask for it, I get it, I sing, sang, I’ll sing from now on our magic — love.
these wonderful wordings are written from the heart from a new angel, who appeared in my life recently and i found him; S. G is here to stay... he jotted them down with the immense love he feels for his lover H. P and shared them with me, upon our conversation on love and pain and the ultimate elation... enjoy them readers, feel them and relate to them, like i did, as they make me think and feel more for my... they are truly spectacular! x
You entered - unannounced -
My small heart skipped a beat
I looked, you stalled
And
Still my heart skipped a beat
A beat, a beat.
I took you by the hand
And you said Wait!
I Just Arrived!
I said we should meet
And you said
Anywhere - even under a bridge!
And that sounded good
Like hard rain on soft streets
Like everything you say
That melts me like a mountain of ice
Breaking and caving into warm
Clean air
And everything is good
And strong
You
And the need for you
Ticking over like a big old clock
Or a heart pump
Thumping in my chest
Ka-thump k-thump
And waiting
Coiled
Like an animal in heat
Laser-like and sure
With pure intent
Only the soft glow
Honey-dripping tenderness of you
Seeping in
Deep into the creases of my heart
Shimmering like glints of coal
Mined from the dark
And being with you
Online and reaching out
To touch your pixelated skin
Everything I ever wanted to
Breath in
And hold and enter
Something sure
And pure and holy
Something to be met and
Cloaked in gold.
I wanna hold your hand
********************* And yet my heart said GO
And already I could not
Let
You
Go
I took you back with me
And felt
A tiny miracle unfold
My heart skipped
And slowed
And then you came again
And then my heart said
WAIT!
Aren't you the one?
And then another night, another night
Until my heart stopped beating
And only the sound of your breath made sense
Breath by breath
Until there was no sense to anything
Except dark stone streets
And star cold nights
and the thought of you
In
My
Arms
Forever
And then we parted
And my heart lay on the lobby floor
Gilded in a flood of golden light
And shattered in a tiny million
pieces.
And then I knew
You are the one.
******************************* Lead me on if you must
Take my heart and my love Take of me all that you want And if there's a thing that you need I'd give you the breath that I breathe N' if ever you yearn for the love in me Whenever Wherever Whatever
Wish I knew if I could Be the one that you would Love for ever n' and a day baby And if there's a thing that you need For you n' your blood I would bleed N' if ever you yearn for the love in me Whichever Wherever Whatever
And if there's a thing that you need I'd give you the breathe N' if ever you yearn for the love in me Whenever Wherever Whatever
In 1917, during her final year at Vassar College — which she had entered at the unusually ripe age of 21 — Edna St. Vincent Millay met and befriended British silent film actress Edith Wynne Matthison, fifteen years her senior. Taken with Matthison’s fierce spirit, majestic beauty, and impeccable style, Millay’s platonic attraction quickly blossomed into an intense romantic infatuation. Edith, a woman who made no apologies for relishing life’s bounties, eventually kissed Edna and invited her to her summer home. A series of disarmingly passionate letters followed. Found in The Letters of Edna St. Vincent Millay (public library), these epistolary longings capture that strange blend of electrifying ardor and paralyzing pride familiar to anyone who’s ever been in love.
Writing to Edith, Edna cautions of her uncompromising frankness:
Listen; if ever in my letters to you, or in my conversation, you see a candor that seems almost crude, — please know that it is because when I think of you I think of real things, & become honest, — and quibbling and circumvention seem very inconsiderable.
In another, she pleads:
I will do whatever you tell me to do. … Love me, please; I love you. I can bear to be your friend. So ask of me anything. … But never be ‘tolerant,’ or ‘kind.’ And never say to me again — don’t dare to say to me again — ‘Anyway, you can make a trial’ of being friends with you! Because I can’t do things that way. … I am conscious only of doing the thing that I love to do — that I have to do — and I have to be your friend.
In yet another, Millay articulates brilliantly the “proud surrender” at the heart of every materialized infatuation and every miracle of “real, honest, complete love”:
You wrote me a beautiful letter, — I wonder if you meant it to be as beautiful as it was. — I think you did; for somehow I know that your feeling for me, however slight it is, is of the nature of love. … nothing that has happened to me for a long time has made me so happy as I shall be to visit you sometime. — You must not forget that you spoke of that, — because it would disappoint me cruelly. … I shall try to bring a few quite nice things with me; I will get together all that I can, and then when you tell me to come, I will come, by the next train, just as I am. This is not meekness, be assured; I do not come naturally by meekness; know that it is a proud surrender to you; I don’t talk like that to many people.
With love,
Vincent Millay
i was sent this. in secret, meaning i picked it up... and it touched me. and it made me cry. for many reasons. love letters are beautiful and poignant and so important... i wish to write and to be written to... i share here with all of you, but really, this post is dedicated to one person only, who will know and understand... x
tuesday 12 march 2013 10:41am/ 06:41am the grey/ white clouds are moving swiftly to my left, revealing a lot of blue. it's chilly, but sunny and hopeful. is spring here? i mean, not only seasonally, but also in my heart? something to discover and look forward to... life is a roller coaster and unstoppable in energy and event unravelling and circumstances changing and bullshit smashing and foundations building... all nice little and big life metaphors, of course, leaving it to you readers to decipher, according to your own situations... where was i? o. yes. sexy and clever and completing a past circle, for more freedom of expression and enjoyment. baby steps. big leaps. stumbles. falls. risings. silence. tongue. discourse. new lessons. old wounds. disagreement. peace. clarity. reconciliation. love. love. love. distance. space. retreat. recollection. somewhere beyond the sea, somewhere... but sailing is as important as anchoring and exactly for the same reason; sailing for anchoring; anchoring for sailing and back again... am i ever going to stop being so cryptic? evasive? secretive? poetic? riddled and heavy with symbolism and analogy? yes. and no. i'm thoroughly enjoying my word play for reasons of privacy and... play, but something tells me right now, that i ought and just a little bit be a bit more... simple in my speech, which really is all about love... maybe i ought to be more of a gardener, immersing my hands in deep soil, feeling the earth and choosing the plants carefully, instead of conceiving an idea, let it float in my head, before it explodes on paper and reveals itself on stage... maybe i ought to put my heart in the front seat, without the excruciating art of analysis, which, although necessary in other parts, here it should be omitted... phew! maybe i ought to finally admit that my old methods of over protection, over defence, over brutality and control, don't really work anymore and i really need to turn it around, change the record, relax (as much as possible), in order to achieve some respite, some happiness and some heart flow, it should be, at least a challenge, since i loathe constipation! so there! am i in love? some time ago, someone asked me the very same question, i'm asking myself now and my answer was: 'i hope not'. well, now, i can freely say: 'i hope so'. oops! i just had a little heart skip right now and some rays warmed up my veins... sunshine, inside?! time will tell. and i definitely love. and i promise to translate, as at present, i'm relishing my fortune and the ability to be feeling something extraordinary inside me, which makes me warm, excited, nervous, scared, stubborn, angry, sensitive, stupid and goddamn, alive! i am alive! bewitched! captured! touched! pinched! felt! desired! appreciated! respected! trusted! loved! ok ok, i won't sugar coat it, it would be futile, there are glitches and issues and problems and insecurities and control and anger and hurt and confusion and a lot of differences as well as similarities and to- ing and fro- ing and a lot of love, which, by no means, is not warped, but a bit blocked and stalled sometimes, but as i know and we all know, love is the answer and if it's true, it will shine. i read somewhere: 'everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain, but you can't have a rainbow without a little rain'. so, when my dark self bellows at me to walk away from it, because it's too much to bear, what about the social conditionings about rose petal periods, what other might utter in opinion, with a subconscious envy and/ or a desire to protect me from hurt, it's not what i would envisage and / or expected, my other self, the mature, open and positive one, suggests gently, which is quite unusual for me, that i should take a deep breath, calm myself down, exercise patience, because it is a virtue and virtues are crucial, understanding and more love, with space and time and reassess... am i happy? most of the time. am i anxious? sometimes. do i understand? more and more each time. do i love? more and more, my heart is opening and i'm scared, but not defeated. phew! i wish to remain honest and true to myself. so, that i can be true and honest to the other and meet the other half way, if the parts are that way inclined. exercise more kindness and compassion. have faith. be courageous. stay alert, but not sceptical. apply constructive criticism and not flippant remarks. talk with and not at. accept the fact i am not perfect, but i'm a good and decent person. let go of control as much as possible and turn anger into something more positive and worthwhile. love more. hard work, full of rewards, especially, observing myself growing and growing up. the road is not easy, but i would not want to be anywhere else. somehow, my past history has faded into some kind of opaque oblivion, with lessons learned from mistakes and hopefully traumas resolved. it has been a surprise. and now, it's a natural progression of my life's events. call it destiny, a reason, i cannot underline enough its importance and occurrence and above all, my recognition of it; i hope to honour and expand it to a larger gift, from a tiny present. that would be my lesson. that would be my improvement. i look forward to its direction with grace and pride. i shall remain victorious. my own Boadicea. crowns and tiaras.
... and so it has begun... years and years of roaming, experimenting, remaining aware, passing by, to acknowledging, greeting, chatting and talking, flirting, after appearing in mutual social events (mostly my own), to risking, dining, connecting, joining, exchanging, sharing and eventually... i have said it before and i'm writing it again here, when one door closes, either by choice or necessity, another one opens and when one is willing and brave enough to get rid of the dead wood and let go of the unwanted/ outworn and the downright boring, then... one might experience a little or big, but definite substantial thunderbolt of the explosive and sparkling kind, as neither of us, not even me, know what is around the corner, awaiting, to surprise us... and suddenly, all the carefully crafted walls of defense and protection, begin to crumble, like sand mixed with water and although, initially painful, the process is eased and the adrenaline kicks in, like thick honey, dripping and coating the freshly toasted and buttered slice... bliss? at last? frogs and princes? destiny justified? let up? a break given by life? happiness? ecstasy? pure desire? physical and mental challenge? again, at last? well, it is a yes! i write with excitement and gentleness at the same time and my perverse appetite is satisfied, despite my early risings and time keeping polishing... what? me? i take a look and observe my own self... the way i feel and relate and act and behave and i never knew i would be so ripe, so naturally eased and inclined in some fine and good quality camaraderie of sorts; senses titillated and satisfied, personae exposed and a give and take, in action, token and primal offerings... suddenly, my own monster/ vampire, who needed no one, would not allow anyone in, with some distant, evasive and enigmatic existence, is letting the senses and the veins to take over, pumping, zinging, pinching, biting, licking and kissing, causing some sweet pain and divine pleasure, which lingers in my mind and resonates in my body, even now, that i'm compiling this, for a further understanding, recording and further experiencing...! hot! i'm stronger and alert, awake and in a state of urgency and tying up the loose ends for the extension of pleasure, the ultimate freedom and the expression of kindness, intensity and love... there is no need for declarations, dissections and projections, expectations and demands... we are old enough, wise enough, experienced enough, individualistic enough to know better and do better and we do indeed: know and act... there is honesty and respect, there is understanding and support, there is affection and warmth, there is attraction and depth, there is sensuality and desire, there is style and uniqueness, there is some worry and some protection, there are some tears of joy and some tears of elation... in body and soul... and for the first time, or in a long time, there is no idealisation, but reality and reality can be beautiful, sexy and clever and substantial... to be lived and relished and evolved and nurtured... we continue... i can only count my blessings for recognising something that could potentially, if not already, be very good, very real, very amazing for me (my growth and my warmth) and i feel that i'm completing my circle, which has been forming for some time now, but that is another post altogether... thank you.
i am just coming out of an iceberg, which nearly burned me... it started in july... i was alone, which really has been my state for some time... normal... a messy black thunder entered my orbit and something cracked, or did i allow it to crack? i shall never know, nor i want to, either. the fantasy - reality begun: verbal and physical activity, viral communication, crazy talk, one sided generosity, half baked appreciation, fear, madness, a lot of laughter, music, intensity, which has ended in a semi blockage, lying and involving other people! well, that is enough! although i understand, i won't allow it to affect me anymore; there will be no more chances, no room for negotiation, no reconciliation, no admittance to a potential big love, no excuses, no reaction to micro and poor politics and antics, because of the bleak past, which really has nothing to do with me and i am certainly not responsible for... what i am responsible for, are my actions, projections and expectations and subsequently feelings, who i have kept close to my heart, revealed to no one and eventually buried in the abyss of my soul, never to be surfaced again... i simply refuse to be abused by someone, who i have cared deeply for, loved hard and asked nothing for in return... although my brutality and lack of gentleness and sometimes, i have been sound and consistent, fearfully protective and immensely nurturing and what i have had in return and, i say it again, without asking, is fundamentally, lack of respect, insult, gossip, misunderstanding and sheer stupidity... there is no point going through the debris to find the diamond... there is no diamond there, there was never a diamond there... i tried and anticipated and hoped and believed and waited and again, all the above, my own doing and responsibility, to be faced with, yet again another obstacle, another sign of insecurity, another thorn, cutting my side, bleeding it, another part to heal again... no. i don't think so. i have had a very interesting and challenging time, despite the darkness, but the darkness was thicker than the light and i have got to protect myself, therefore, i must go with no remorse, although i am filled with sadness and again and i suffer, but for not too long and with the least damage...
... as i have been there may times and repeating the pattern and going through the same history, with a different protagonist, would be at least foolish from my part and i have neither time, nor patience for it... love, which, i'm sure is there somewhere, has nothing to do with it and i'll be damned if i tolerate teenage shenanigans from someone, who takes no responsibility, because they are broken and damaged... no. i don't think so. i also know that things will change, as the only consistent thing in our lives is change and it is all going to be water under the bridge, eventually, but for the time being, there is a a silent war and not only with one particular specimen of an individual, who i shall love forever, but a very small number of individuals, who, i come to realise, have always had some agenda and it will be quite difficult for me to consider friends again, as i never really thought they were in the first place... meanwhile, apart from myself, i nurture the real people in my life, who are simply gorgeous, sexy, interesting, caring, loving, supporting and understanding and who deserve my attention and love... room for the new, the fresh, the right, the wonderful... for souls, who won't bend and compromise, because of the state of the world, won't lose faith and solidarity, because of fear and peer pressure and will remain their true selves, full of fire, energy and truth! and i'm blessed to be knowing such folk... fortunate...
and getting on with business, which is getting busier, better, more colourful and eventually, profitable... on my first quarrel, i wrote a performance, which i am eager to record and perform; it is my homage to myself and my goodbye to the story, which i was always aware about, even if i let myself immersed in it for a bit... i and we know deep in our hearts, that the connection will never cease and true love and true friendship always shine... there is no worry there... life knows, fate knows, we know... now, that i have cleaned up my act and there is so much room in my aura, something good is happening in the form of someone, warm and lovely with pains of their own dealt with the utmost integrity... more in the next post, as i need to catch my breath and feel it more... onwards and upwards, i continue, do i have a choice?
august 21. thankfully the summer is still here with rays and warmth. yummy tummy feelings of hope and joy, but not always... it has gone dark already... i sidetracked myself wih a precious dialoque and a snooze... it's good to be back here, i was missing uploading so much, but i was otherwise engaged... does it matter? i'm here; i never left... i fell asleep... august 22. south east london. 8:21am. i smell a bit of autumn and although i love this season so much, i am not ready for it... need to nest, first... as usual, a lot is happening in my reality, keeping me on my toes, challenged, busy, uncomfortable, alive, sharp and aware... new lessons, hopefully, new and less mistakes and definitely, new experiences and adventures, which is what is all about... o. yes, with new folk, too. where was i? that story, i gave some kind of importance to, because i needed to and because it was mine, happening to me and taught me that it was all about people and not gender, has withered away successfully and with not too much or very little, or no pain and grain and trauma at all, as it came to its natural end, in its own time, after a platonic existence, which hurt neither parts (although the other still craves the attention; not me). phew! it was a nice little interlude based on fantasy, style, fashion and gender struggle and the refusal to compromise... my mentoring was inexhaustible for a very long time, until and thank goodness, a catalyst, redefined my position and i escaped the potential shackles it could have brought me... mind numbing and soul stifling and i'm too old and wise for that, plus there was no love, just power, again, phew! and i continue... do i have a choice, but to carry on eating life and all its dishes, fattening my starving heart with nutrients of excitement and the new, the fresh, the crazy, the essential, the beautiful... and with love, just around the corner to get me out of my self - inflicted control and stubborness... and again, phew! i sould not forget to breathe... which bring me to the now: i work a lot and most of the time. it's good for me to be busy and to focus on my own projects and making a living for survival and help the others, without being an idiot, but i am also reaching burnt out levels, which i am trying to eliminate with detachment, internal space finding and a day off! i am tired, but not as i write, because i did take a day off, yesterday, ate greens, devoured six apricots, drank a lot of water, smoked no cigarettes, drank no alcohol and snoozed and slept early, after sending a message, with a lovely thought or two and with no hesitation. i have chopped bloodlessly, very effectively and completely a few rotten branches from my tree, which, at first seemed to be fun and good and important, only to prove with time and circumstance, ridiculous, selfish, vouyeuristic, creepy and totally overstepping the mark, in the name of friendship and closeness! dangerous and not even challenging! out out out forever and away..., but i knew all along and sometimes, it's good to give some stuff a chance, but only sometimes... as the instincts never fail to fail me... and i'm growing, cultivating, developing and letting in the well deserved elements, contributing to my precious life! and having so much fun, on top of it, too... with the most wonderful company... ... fresh and wild and totally smart... a little genius, toying within the realms of madness and the extremities of expression via the sounds of music and the layers of emotion... at last, some true, genuine, undiluted intensity, i can relate to, be part of and exchange with... ... and i'm inspired again, smiling again, excited again, apprehensive again, a tad nervous and very sensitive, but brutal and tough and totally into it, anticipating, not the outcome, but the unravelling and all because a new mirror has been discovered to show me up, dust my chair, get me out of my comfort zone, consider me an individual and not some fantastical entity, with a juicy dialogue and a lot of huggings... music? galore! and laughter! i take it with ease, but not triviality, i smother it not, but totally protect it, as i know it has already faced opposition and misunderstood points of view, laced with jealousy and antagonism... i will strike harder than before, should anyone or anything even begins to consider a demise... keeping it safe, trusting, warm and free and very loving... it is rather simple and no one's business... my social position, through fate and choice, has brought an array of attentive reactions, demands and responsibility... i must take care not to lose myself in some professional abyss, eaten slowly by moths and worms and disappearing in some detrimental race of mundanity and wallowing hollowness... just saying to pinch and remind myself, as i know that this is not going to be possible, even if i slip... i am a whole hole and super fast... emerging! i'm called 'the speed of stav' and i begin to realise that is is no exaggeration... good to have the voice to remind me... good to have a voice and the power of kicking against the pricks! i'll be back... the day has begun and it smells of promise... but before i go and as i know that death is part of life and the only thing that leaves this earth is the material, i would like to bid farewell to two individuals, whose journey has begun somewhere else, although, without their loved ones, with rest, peace and memory: felix and yana... x
Writing to Edith, Edna cautions of her uncompromising frankness:
