always...

Eleanor Roosevelt’s Controversial Love Letters to Lorena Hickok

by Maria Popova

“You have grown so much to be a part of my life that it is empty without you.”

Eleanor Roosevelt (October 11, 1884–November 7, 1962) endures not only as the longest-serving American First Lady (1933-1945), but also as one of history’s most politically impactful, a fierce champion of working women and underprivileged youth.

But her personal life has been the subject of lasting controversy.

In the summer of 1928, Roosevelt met journalist Lorena Hickok, whom she would come to refer to as Hick. The thirty-year relationship that ensued has remained the subject of much speculation, from the evening of FDR’s inauguration, when the First Lady was seen wearing a sapphire ring Hickok had given her, to the opening up of her private correspondence archives in 1998. Though many of the most explicit letters had been burned, the 300 published in Empty Without You: The Intimate Letters Of Eleanor Roosevelt And Lorena Hickok (public library) — at once less unequivocal than history’s most revealing woman-to-woman love letters and more suggestive than those ofgreat female platonic friendships — strongly indicate the relationship between Roosevelt and Hickok had been one of great romantic intensity.

On March 5, 1933, the first evening of FDR’s inauguration, Roosevelt wrote Hick:

Hick my dearest–

I cannot go to bed tonight without a word to you. I felt a little as though a part of me was leaving tonight. You have grown so much to be a part of my life that it is empty without you.

Then, the following day:

Hick, darling

Ah, how good it was to hear your voice. It was so inadequate to try and tell you what it meant. Funny was that I couldn’t say je t’aime and je t’adore as I longed to do, but always remember that I am saying it, that I go to sleep thinking of you.

And the night after:

Hick darling

All day I’ve thought of you & another birthday I will be with you, & yet tonite you sounded so far away & formal. Oh! I want to put my arms around you, I ache to hold you close. Your ring is a great comfort. I look at it & think “she does love me, or I wouldn’t be wearing it!”

And in yet another letter:

I wish I could lie down beside you tonight & take you in my arms.

Hick herself responded with equal intensity. In a letter from December 1933, she wrote:

I’ve been trying to bring back your face — to remember justhow you look. Funny how even the dearest face will fade away in time. Most clearly I remember your eyes, with a kind of teasing smile in them, and the feeling of that soft spot just north-east of the corner of your mouth against my lips.

Granted, human dynamics are complex and ambiguous enough even for those directly involved, making it hard to assume anything with absolute certainty from the sidelines of an epistolary relationship long after the correspondents’ deaths. But wherever on the spectrum of the platonic and romantic the letters inEmpty Without You may fall, they offer a beautiful record of a tender, steadfast, deeply loving relationship between two women who meant the world to one another, even if the world never quite condoned or understood their profound connection.

bare and brave

these wonderful wordings are written from the heart from a new angel, who appeared in my life recently and i found him; S. G is here to stay... he jotted them down with the immense love he feels for his lover H. P and shared them with me, upon our conversation on love and pain and the ultimate elation... enjoy them readers, feel them and relate to them, like i did, as they make me think and feel more for my... they are truly spectacular! x

You entered - unannounced -
My small heart skipped a beat
I looked, you stalled
And
Still my heart skipped a beat
A beat, a beat.
I took you by the hand
And you said Wait!
I Just Arrived!

I said we should meet
And you said
Anywhere - even under a bridge!
And that sounded good
Like hard rain on soft streets
Like everything you say
That melts me like a mountain of ice
Breaking and caving into warm
Clean air
And everything is good
And strong
You
And the need for you
Ticking over like a big old clock
Or a heart pump
Thumping in my chest
Ka-thump k-thump
And waiting
Coiled
Like an animal in heat
Laser-like and sure
With pure intent
Only the soft glow
Honey-dripping tenderness of you
Seeping in
Deep into the creases of my heart
Shimmering like glints of coal
Mined from the dark
And being with you
Online and reaching out
To touch your pixelated skin
Everything I ever wanted to
Breath in
And hold and enter
Something sure
And pure and holy
Something to be met and
Cloaked in gold.

I wanna hold your hand

*********************

And yet my heart said GO

And already I could not
Let
You
Go
I took you back with me
And felt
A tiny miracle unfold
My heart skipped
And slowed
And then you came again
And then my heart said
WAIT!
Aren't you the one?
And then another night, another night
Until my heart stopped beating
And only the sound of your breath made sense
Breath by breath
Until there was no sense to anything
Except dark stone streets
And star cold nights
and the thought of you
In
My
Arms
Forever
And then we parted
And my heart lay on the lobby floor
Gilded in a flood of golden light
And shattered in a tiny million
pieces.
And then I knew

You are the one.

*******************************

Lead me on if you must

Take my heart and my love
Take of me all that you want
And if there's a thing that you need
I'd give you the breath that I breathe
N' if ever you yearn for the love in me
Whenever Wherever Whatever

Wish I knew if I could
Be the one that you would 
Love for ever n' and a day baby
And if there's a thing that you need
For you n' your blood I would bleed
N' if ever you yearn for the love in me
Whichever Wherever Whatever

And if there's a thing that you need
I'd give you the breathe
N' if ever you yearn for the love in me
Whenever Wherever Whatever

smashing and building

tuesday 12 march 2013
10:41am/ 06:41am

the grey/ white clouds are moving swiftly to my left, revealing a lot of blue. 
it's chilly, but sunny and hopeful. is spring here? i mean, not only seasonally, but also in my heart? something to discover and look forward to...

life is a roller coaster and unstoppable in energy and event unravelling and circumstances changing and bullshit smashing and foundations building... all nice little and big life metaphors, of course, leaving it to you readers to decipher, according to your own situations...

where was i?

o. yes. sexy and clever and completing a past circle, for more freedom of expression and enjoyment.

baby steps. big leaps. stumbles. falls. risings. silence. tongue. discourse. new lessons. old wounds. disagreement. peace. clarity. reconciliation. love. love. love. distance. space. retreat. recollection.

somewhere beyond the sea, somewhere... but sailing is as important as anchoring and exactly for the same reason; sailing for anchoring; anchoring for sailing and back again... 

am i ever going to stop being so cryptic? evasive? secretive? poetic? riddled and heavy with symbolism and analogy?

yes. and no. 

i'm thoroughly enjoying my word play for reasons of privacy and... play, but something tells me right now, that i ought and just a little bit be a bit more... simple in my speech, which really is all about love...

maybe i ought to be more of a gardener, immersing my hands in deep soil, feeling the earth and choosing the plants carefully, instead of conceiving an idea, let it float in my head, before it explodes on paper and reveals itself on stage...

maybe i ought to put my heart in the front seat, without the excruciating art of analysis, which, although necessary in other parts, here it should be omitted... phew!

maybe i ought to finally admit that my old methods of over protection, over defence, over brutality and control, don't really work anymore and i really need to turn it around, change the record, relax (as much as possible), in order to achieve some respite, some happiness and some heart flow, it should be, at least a challenge, since i loathe constipation!

so there!

am i in love? some time ago, someone asked me the very same question, i'm asking myself now and my answer was: 'i hope not'.
well, now, i can freely say: 'i hope so'. oops! i just had a little heart skip right now and some rays warmed up my veins... sunshine, inside?!

time will tell. and i definitely love.

and i promise to translate, as at present, i'm relishing my fortune and the ability to be feeling something extraordinary inside me, which makes me warm, excited, nervous, scared, stubborn, angry, sensitive, stupid and goddamn, alive! i am alive! bewitched! captured! touched! pinched! felt! desired! appreciated! respected! trusted! loved!

ok ok, i won't sugar coat it, it would be futile, there are glitches and issues and problems and insecurities and control and anger and hurt and confusion and a lot of differences as well as similarities and to- ing and fro- ing and a lot of love, which, by no means, is not warped, but a bit blocked and stalled sometimes, but as i know and we all know, love is the answer and if it's true, it will shine. 

i read somewhere: 

'everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain, but you can't have a rainbow without a little rain'.

so, when my dark self bellows at me to walk away from it, because it's too much to bear, what about the social conditionings about rose petal periods, what other might utter in opinion, with a subconscious envy and/ or a desire to protect me from hurt, it's not what i would envisage and / or expected, my other self, the mature, open and positive one, suggests gently, which is quite unusual for me, that i should take a deep breath, calm myself down, exercise patience, because it is a virtue and virtues are crucial, understanding and more love, with space and time and reassess... 

am i happy? most of the time.
am i anxious? sometimes.
do i understand? more and more each time.
do i love? more and more, my heart is opening and i'm scared, but not defeated.

phew!

i wish to remain honest and true to myself. so, that i can be true and honest to the other and meet the other half way, if the parts are that way inclined.
exercise more kindness and compassion.
have faith.
be courageous.
stay alert, but not sceptical.
apply constructive criticism and not flippant remarks. talk with and not at. 
accept the fact i am not perfect, but i'm a good and decent person.
let go of control as much as possible and turn anger into something more positive and worthwhile.
love more.

hard work, full of rewards, especially, observing myself growing and growing up.

the road is not easy, but i would not want to be anywhere else.
somehow, my past history has faded into some kind of opaque oblivion, with lessons learned from mistakes and hopefully traumas resolved.

it has been a surprise. and now, it's a natural progression of my life's events. 
call it destiny, a reason, i cannot underline enough its importance and occurrence and above all, my recognition of it; i hope to honour and expand it to a larger gift, from a tiny present.

that would be my lesson. that would be my improvement. 
i look forward to its direction with grace and pride. 

i shall remain victorious. my own Boadicea. crowns and tiaras. 

sexy and clever

... and so it has begun...

years and years of roaming, experimenting, remaining aware, passing by, to acknowledging, greeting, chatting and talking, flirting, after appearing in mutual social events (mostly my own), to risking, dining, connecting, joining, exchanging, sharing and eventually...

i have said it before and i'm writing it again here, when one door closes, either by choice or necessity, another one opens and when one is willing and brave enough to get rid of the dead wood and let go of the unwanted/ outworn and the downright boring, then... one might experience a little or big, but definite substantial thunderbolt of the explosive and sparkling kind, as neither of us, not even me, know what is around the corner, awaiting, to surprise us...

and suddenly, all the carefully crafted walls of defense and protection, begin to crumble, like sand mixed with water and although, initially painful, the process is eased and the adrenaline kicks in, like thick honey, dripping and coating the freshly toasted and buttered slice...

bliss? at last? frogs and princes? destiny justified? let up? a break given by life? happiness? ecstasy? pure desire? physical and mental challenge? again, at last?

well, it is a yes!
i write with excitement and gentleness at the same time and my perverse appetite is satisfied, despite my early risings and time keeping polishing... what? me?

i take a look and observe my own self... the way i feel and relate and act and behave and i never knew i would be so ripe, so naturally eased and inclined in some fine and good quality camaraderie of sorts; senses titillated and satisfied, personae exposed and a give and take, in action, token and primal offerings...

suddenly, my own monster/ vampire, who needed no one, would not allow anyone in, with some distant, evasive and enigmatic existence, is letting  the senses and the veins to take over, pumping, zinging, pinching, biting, licking and kissing, causing some sweet pain and divine pleasure, which lingers in my mind and resonates in my body, even now, that i'm compiling this, for a further understanding, recording and further experiencing...!

hot!

i'm stronger and alert, awake and in a state of urgency and tying up the loose ends for the extension of pleasure, the ultimate freedom and the expression of kindness, intensity and love...

there is no need for declarations, dissections and projections, expectations and demands... we are old enough, wise enough, experienced enough, individualistic enough to know better and do better and we do indeed: know and act... there is honesty and respect, there is understanding and support, there is affection and warmth, there is attraction and depth, there is sensuality and desire, there is style and uniqueness, there is some worry and some protection, there are some tears of joy and some tears of elation... in body and soul... 

and for the first time, or in a long time, there is no idealisation, but reality and reality can be beautiful, sexy and clever and substantial...

to be lived and relished and evolved and nurtured... we continue...

i can only count my blessings for recognising something that could potentially, if not already, be very good, very real, very amazing for me (my growth and my warmth)

and i feel that i'm completing my circle, which has been forming for some time now, but that is another post altogether...

thank you.

the old thoughts bring the new ones...

january has been and gone, my birthday has been and gone and i am officially eight and in total awareness of who my friends are, who really loves me, who trully cares for me and who... doesn't!


and i am blessed with good folk around me, full of objective and pure, generous givings without conditions and erratic and mental behavioural patterns, projectile and mean...


free from the debris at last and trying not to fill myself again with others' traumas, issues and whatever fucked up feelings they harbour for me! phew! lessons learned and glad these situations showed their true colours, something that i was completely aware of, from the very beginning, but gave them a chance nonetheless and because of beyond my control, at the time, circumstances...


as i said/ wrote/ insinuated/ screamed about/ drawn and performed, my instincts are always correct and they never fail me, but it's ok to challenge them sometimes for the ultimate confirmation...


so, the new year has begun quietly and with a silent bang, which is continually escalating to more activity; socially, artistically, professionally.


onwards and upwards and with no time with too much analysis, especially with the irrelevant stuff, i break patterns, keeping alert and awake and sharp minded and remain super active with work, job, projects, events and... love matters!


titilating, juicy, stimulating, pleasant and smile inducing...
sexy
intelligent
admirable
different
and beautiful!


a surprise...
of course i shall continue...