it is four and six minutes in the morning (or one and six minutes in the afternoon of the next day) and i have just come back from being out... twat boutique, first thursday monthly at the not so new now, but still popular, dalston super store, on kingsland high street (i wonder why i write certain things in great detail... in the event of...; archive...).
yesterday was a low day, full of anxiety, tears, ambivalent panic and two good conversations with two good friends, who were willing to listen to my long monologue on love, unfairness and extreme sadness, which is more crippling that the distance/ problems/ the abiguity of it all... for now...
feeling sorry for oneself, self - indulging (too much time in the hands, primarily), were featured in my day, although i knew deep down, that the factors, which triggered the above reactings, were tactical and transparent... i thought i had paid my carmic dues; i have no problem with raising stakes and ultimate challenges, but, i need a blasted break! i need it, i want it, i deserve it... i hope (know)...
alas...
everything happens for a reason and as it should, i keep reminding myself and i know everything will be fine and dandy in the end and as i want it... but i've got to want it...
'i am the alive fantasist, the futile dreamer, the subconscious saboteur...', i wrote in one of my performances and i no longer surprise myself for blending life and art together, overlapping... i know, i perpetrate...
bad behaviour won't be excused, but it is certainly understood.
fear and stupidity, lead to meanness... big love leads to...
'i'm pushing you away', 'why don't you give it up','why are you bothering' (not this again) are cliches, which although piercing at first, become sweet tasks later, upon reflection... crazy one would think, sucker for punishment, but this is not the case: i love, i understand and perversely, i endure, i am not bored, i am not boring, i am not tired... not now, not yet...
own drumbeat, ahead of time, big heart, sharp brain, extreme resilience, self - testing and self - learning; for the ultimate realisation...
i said before and i'm saying again: something's cooking and it's good... faith, hope and love, patience and understanding to season...
moments vs days and i recall plenty... more and more...
i become more free every day... and the blood: flows and drips...
