... and perhaps or maybe certainly be a bit more specific, so that i can understand better and i don't know if fully, what on earth is going on, scrambling through my heart layers, instead of my mind chambers
from the beginning and i am treading on semi dangerous ground here, but why not, since i push others (the ones i am interested in/ feel for) to do the same:
when some situation gets so difficult, but almost impossible to get out, because it's not time yet, i tend to find/ devise/ imagine other more ideal, lovely, healing ones to fall back on for some respite and breathing and that's it, as i'm fiercely loyal and will support my own causes/ circumstances/ stories till the very end, which and when i decide to put them under...
my research for information and distance reduced techniques led me to an image with a face and a name and i noticed...
that was it for a long time and i was oblivious to it
and then the face of the image appeared right in front of me one summer night, the name uttered in reality
and it felt really nice and strange and particular, almost as a sign
the face was warm and full of smiles and the person warmer, open and full of delightful curiosity; beautiful, too
i was fresh still after my odessian adventure, open wounded, flying somewhere else, so it was easy, but definitely noticeable
and as fate plays funny games and absolutely fundamental and with reason, the link was formed
gladly
call it connections (as i was constantly associating it with my antipodean destination), a breath of fresh air, lovely fun and generally different and so needed, i began to relish it...
...easily, freely, cooly, excitedly... accepting invitations (in a couple i didn't turn up), commentary, impressions, i could feel the open heart, so nice! and at last! in hindsight, this is when i could feel my chains loosening up, but i didn't recognise that till later...
and the instincts started kicking in and a bit of some relentless mental analysis and i could feel the energy, the enjoyable pressure, the newness of it all...
and i was poised: some of the boxes were not ticked, but i liked the overall package nonetheless and some kind of invisible force was nudging me to remain and i liked the little splashes of affection from the other side, via actuality and virtuality; as i wrote before: a breath of fresh air, and my goodness, i needed to breath, so very much!
and we carried on and on and it was / we were changing all the time... we declared friendship, which made it easier, manageable, interesting and of course free for full expression and opinion forming/ stating... plus, i was still very much full of my heavy and emotionally invested story, which i was still processing, so i could reach some kind of resolution, as time was running out and i had to decide for my own safety and future
we would talk (and still are) of love and hearts and art all put together in a pot, as they are all so well linked, especially, because we are artists (of life and the work) and other catastrophes and we'd enjoy each others' company with late night soup and talking endlessly in some uncomfortable chairs, unable to move... blurting, extracting, sharing continuously... connecting, between old souls, coming together from wherever, does it matter? i live for situations like that and that was my surprise...
good. nice. important. i am only interested in substantial, titilating, awakening, challenging bonds and this one is simply and in complication, one of those...
... and i could still feel the energy, strong, intense, which i didn't ignore as such, but had it at the back of my mind and kept it in check
and we carried on...
and my honesty was polished, my strictness, yet fairness was more apparent, i felt so totally free to express myself and my opinions on my stuff, her stuff, all sorts of stuff... and i saw myself being tough and pushing, because i could and i felt, yet again, totally inspired, plus i knew she wanted it and could handle it, although i have to remember to tone it down sometimes, somehow, without compromising my being and not crushing her too much... ouch...
and things were changing again... pure timing, some circumstance and it was high time and after i reached my natural point limit, to start finally letting go of 1. what was not working anymore, 2. unecessary anxiety, 3. non creative situations and 4. outworn stories... snap!
and it felt so good, as i mentioned in my previous posts, i felt lighter, calmer, cleaner... and i shared it and that felt right, too...
and i opened up more with slightly more detail and information, because i trust her and needed to let it out to her, for further understanding and realisation...
art and art talk and planning (photographs), love talk, heart talk, going out, endless converastions via diverse avenues and above all, a good, pure connection, which i suppose i want from all my relationships, which i consider important and with standing any factors subtly and/ or actually trying to challenge it, jeopardise it, pollute it...
this is an important relationship to me; it is based, i believe and feel, on love and deep care and trust and respect and i just wanted to say this right here and now, that when i am harsh, is only because i believe we can do better, i sincerely mean well, this person inspires my generosity and spirit
with a small dose of challenging and testing, because we are getting to know each other and i need to know what she is made for (do i have the right? she can do the same, if not already?)
needless to say, our friendship has provoked some kind of perverse/ innocent. undercurrent curiosity for quite a lot of reasons/ excuses/ pastime activity, which is something that didn't surprise me, as people are in need of constant stimulation, so they tend to get involved in other peoples' business for better or for worse, instead of reading a new book, watch a new film, or engage themselves in fruitfull discourse, concentrate on their affairs and pursue correctly and availably... alas...
for those who know me, although a public figure, i am intensely private and protect my business with tooth and nail, ready to lash at any busy bodies, as i also know and have experienced what is like...
so, i consciously became more protective and with a fair amount of throwing into the deep end, because i am not a mother and i don't wish to chew anyone's food.
gossip, predators, jealousy, antagonism, all there for the recognising and leaving and one can trust the other and hope for the best; also, if the connection is good, then there is nothing to worry about, is there? so, bring in the glitches and the tests...
which shifts me to the question, whether two people, who meet at a particular time in life and get connected well, get on, look good, understand, lick each others' wounds, test each other and generally having a swell time, should move (naturally/ obediently) to another level of their friendship and love?
are they friends?
have they ever been? in the first place?
is it worth endangering something so precious, by adding other elements into it?
is it natural? as a progress, i mean, which brings me to my question above, were they ever friends?
??????
question upon question and the facts are the same: boxes are not ticked, but gladly ignored, which is dangerous, because they can reappear again in due time; they are a lot of differences as well as similarities, which perhaps orient the whole thing and lastly, this one is too good to lose... is my dynamic, which is always so defined, a bit unclear?
something happened to trigger this train of thought into some kind of motion, in fact two things happened, but i supoose my best bet is to wait and see and be as brutally honest with my heart and self, as i am with her, because i cannot walk away from it and yes, of course i have thought about it, more than once, for sheer self preservation, but how could i? and totally opt to do the opposite of what is expected of me, as i love going against the grain and surprising others and myself...
relax (well, i can at least try) and watch my thoughts, instead of thinking them, a friend advised me recently and trust me, it's harder than it sounds to achieve, but it's well worth it...
... as well as instigating a new project, where i write down the first thought that comes to mind, when i wake up in the morning... i shall do this for two months and see where it leads me... although yesterday, i forgot, because i was so distracetd by a plethora of words and feelings gushing out on a live page
meanwhile, it feels ok that i cleansed a bit and clarified a little, so i can have some kind of perspective, but all far too blurry still...
even so, exciting stuff and all good really (especially, if it's true)
in my thoughts, pure and simple...
ps i am slightly disappointed, because of idealism and high standards and i hope there is no crack/ negativity, because of it, so i shall see..
