i read somewhere... 19 february 2016

I read somewhere: "Life's always at a crossroads. Narrow is the path that leads to the way you want to go, and only a few people follow it."

Many thanks to my boxing posse last night: Fabiana Fernandes, Vicki Cooper and Anka Dabrowska.

And remember: Don't get stuck in. And do whatever you do, intensely.

❤️

my sermon of love

FRINGE FILM FESTIVAL was born three years ago, after three friends sat down over a glass of wine and reacted creatively to the cut of the LLGFF (london lesbian gay film festival) to one week instead of two... o. yes. we have the most stupid government in the UK with horrible, money grabbing men ruling it... don't get me started... 


so, it begun and it was focused on films, short and features, events and parties and around cool places in the east end of london.

i was invited to participate and contribute to the festival with my pop up bar: the first year (2011), stav B' liquor bar was operating at bob and anne cooke's pie n' mash shop on broadway market and we had music and cocktails downstairs and the short films shown upstairs in the dilapidated victorian living room, which we had customised to be cosy and safe. so much fun and so busy. the second year (2012), i was at lower clapton's colourful juice bar, lumiere, where the bar was upstairs among the sweet smells, the dangling glitter hearts and permanent fountain and serving spicy punch and other delights via books on erotica, female ejaculation workshops, body performances, music and a very lively and active dark room!

this year (2013), i was invited to participate as an artist, where i became a priest for one night only, in a chapel, doing service and reciting a sermon (my own), giving communion and offering confession time!
and as an atheist, denouncing god in my teens, who finished a private school for girls, with its own church and as part of the choir, i was obliged to sing inside it to a nauseating level, as it was always so busy and hot, it was quite a big thing... religion vs faith; principle vs art ethic; desire vs love; pushing the boundaries away from the comfort zone vs remaining stubborn in one's beliefs... of course i said yes!
and it was no light matter... i still write and a lot, but i perform selectively... i wanted to be respectful, but also flexible and not too flippant, losing myself in some jargon, or pointless reaction to an industry i'm not familiar with, full of complexities, mystery and corruption...
so, i delved into it... preparing psychologically to appear in front of strangers in a chapel and spilling my heart; choosing my two songs as hymns and finally writing my sermon after days of reflection and thinking, retaining it close, true and protected. the confession part was easy enough; folk come to me for advice and a point of view in life anyway, which, sometimes, i'm hopeless in giving it to myself...
and i kept it honest, as authentic as possible, coming from the heart... being me... and complete with my clergy shirt and my rosary and a borrowed cassock, which i have always wanted to possess (wardrobe extension) and elements of religion... yes, i did some research on the matter and became a tourist for a whole morning in the rain, visiting clergy suppliers and abbey shops...
and the service was wonderful and funny and warm, complete with prayers and hymns and two speeches from hilary clinton and patti smith and a full house, with boys and girls, who were totally up for it, singing, laughing, cheering, clapping and soaking it all in as well as the communion who were lining up to get in the shape of... love hearts! as it should be! that day the house of god, was the house of love; our love!
and everyone said that i looked the part, it suited me to the ground and i felt as ease and very serious and calm and strangely elated covered in heavy black cloth and decorated in chains and beads... which most likely has got to do with my personal state at present; trying to keep it together, before i go completely mad, or was i in character?
this is my sermon; my sermon of love...

SERMON

by stav B

Friday 12 April 2013

FRINGEFILM FEST*3

Good evening. I’m stav B. Your priest for one night only.

It took me some time to think and more time to decipher on paper, this sermon, which, despite the subversion of it all, is a serious matter, standing in front of strangers and delivering some kind of message with honesty and clarity, asking for your forgiveness and hopefully transcending positive energy to take with you in cognition.

I am not religious, in the sense, that I don’t follow a particular manuscript, which will lead my life in some kind of salvation, but I have faith:

Faith in the undeniable power of nature

Faith in the ability of humans, despite their stupidity and ignorance and fear

Faith in the people who I love and love me

Faith in myself, as I believe that everything starts and finishes from oneself…

Faith is not about having all the answers, it is a feeling, a hunch, that something bigger, connecting us all, exists: LOVE, which in itself is an act of faith…

All fine and dandy in theory and we can enter in some futile discourse for eternity, what use is it, if it’s not recognised, practised and finally embraced? If it’s not felt?

Despite the love within us, we all know, how hard and somewhat impossible it is to find the other, identify them and love them and be loved back…

It is a bewildering business indeed, we all need this so much, but when it actually knocks on our heavy door, forever locked and occupied by work and hobbies, do we open it?

Do we let it in?

Do we enjoy it?

Do we nurture it?

Do we keep it? Close to our hearts with compassion and trust and responsibility?

Do we allow it to bewitch us and sweep us away, in shores, where we can lose and find ourselves?

Despite the fears?

The past traumas?

The busy schedules?

The utter foolishness to ruin something potentially amazing for us and to us, without giving it a real shot?

Or deliberately misunderstand it, sabotage it, challenge it, exclude it, control it, unfairly and eventually destroying it, in the name of:

Career?

Friends?

Idle gossip?

Fear?

Closed heart?

Insecurity?

The superb discipline of conditioning oneself to the state: I’m ok on my own, I have worked very hard to reach that stage and I’m not prepared to relinquish it, yet, ever, at the moment?

Working hard on oneself is fundamental, whether we are alone or relating, nothing should interfere with this crucial process, our loved ones should encourage this wholeheartedly.

A certain lack of decorum to be kind and compassionate to someone who has appeared in our lives for a myriad of reasons, but most importantly to love us?

The answers lie within each and every one of us and if we dare to be brutally honest with ourselves, then we’ll know what to do and how to proceed.

As above, it is a bewildering and tricky business at the same time and juggling life and feelings is truly a wonderful as well as a rocky experience, but smooth sailing never made a skillful sailor, right?

In short and what I’m trying to say here, is that if we are sure about what we want and need and are capable for and very adamant about our choices in life, whatever the reason, the excuse, the previous experience and we are not prepared to shake this meticulous crafted composition, just in case our tower crumbles…

Then, we should stay away from the harmful, potentially messy and heartbreaking business of love and make sure that we keep our hearts very looked after and wrapped carefully… unbreakable… irredeemable, inpenetranable, hearts, which eventually become motionless, airless and dark…

Life continues, but how?

Or, of course, we can do something different and interesting and surprise ourselves, totally remove our finely knitted net and leap into the amazing unknown, the magic, the beauty, the happiness, the love! Why not? Why can we not get what we want for a change? Why can we not get what we deserve? And crack a little smile for a while?

Maybe we get scratched, bruised, upset, confused and so what? It’s all a circle back to itself and love will truly shine if it’s true! It’s all part of the process, courage is contagious and faith; what a task!

There is no eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, but despair and loneliness; soul-destroying… spots and mistakes and miracles and warmth… yearning for the warmth.

'Somewhere there's a treasure that has no value to anyone but you, and a secret that's meaningless to everyone except you, and a frontier that harbours a revelation only you would know how to exploit. Why not go in search of those things? 

Visualise yourself being able to recognise the raw truth about the people you care about. Imagine that you can see how they already embody the beauty their souls' codes have promised as well as how they still fall short of embodying that beauty. 

Picture yourself being able to make them feel appreciated even as you inspire them to risk changes that will activate more of their souls' codes'.

It’s ok to love.

It’s ok to share.

It’s ok to get hurt.

And it’s ok to be alone. But if one does wish to remain alone, one should not implicate others into this experiment; one should remain unbending into their positions… unless, of course, they do love, that is….

LOVE is the answer and we all know that for sure and as I leave you now holding each other’s hands, of the person next to you, whether you know them or not, I wish to state, declare and share with you that I love, I’m in love and that I have decided to let it in, before I perish, as I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to protection. The pain is sweet. The rewards, enormous. And I’m glad about that.

Thank you for listening.

11.4.13 ©stav B

i post this sermon here, upon request, archive and for those who missed the event... 

yes, it is true, i am a performance artist and that has saved my life, as a way to exorcise my demons and reach some kind of cathartic revelation, via my prose and the audience, but that could never be possible without my life's wonderful realities. 

and there is no script and/ or performance there, but truth and love and a hell of a lot of takes. and i am glad about that. 

additional photography by christa holka ©2013

let's talk about friendship part two...

... and perhaps or maybe certainly be a bit more specific, so that i can understand better and i don't know if fully, what on earth is going on, scrambling through my heart layers, instead of my mind chambers

from the beginning and i am treading on semi dangerous ground here, but why not, since i push others (the ones i am interested in/ feel for) to do the same:

when some situation gets so difficult, but almost impossible to get out, because it's not time yet, i tend to find/ devise/ imagine other more ideal, lovely, healing ones to fall back on for some respite and breathing and that's it, as i'm fiercely loyal and will support my own causes/ circumstances/ stories till the very end, which and when i decide to put them under...

my research for information and distance reduced techniques led me to an image with a face and a name and i noticed...

that was it for a long time and i was oblivious to it

and then the face of the image appeared right in front of me one summer night, the name uttered in reality

and it felt really nice and strange and particular, almost as a sign

the face was warm and full of smiles and the person warmer, open and full of delightful curiosity; beautiful, too

i was fresh still after my odessian adventure, open wounded, flying somewhere else, so it was easy, but definitely noticeable

and as fate plays funny games and absolutely fundamental and with reason, the link was formed

gladly

call it connections (as i was constantly associating it with my antipodean destination), a breath of fresh air, lovely fun and generally different and so needed, i began to relish it...

...easily, freely, cooly, excitedly... accepting invitations (in a couple i didn't turn up), commentary, impressions, i could feel the open heart, so nice! and at last! in hindsight, this is when i could feel my chains loosening up, but i didn't recognise that till later...

and the instincts started kicking in and a bit of some relentless mental analysis and i could feel the energy, the enjoyable pressure, the newness of it all...

and i was poised: some of the boxes were not ticked, but i liked the overall package nonetheless and some kind of invisible force was nudging me to remain and i liked the little splashes of affection from the other side, via actuality and virtuality; as i wrote before: a breath of fresh air, and my goodness, i needed to breath, so very much!

and we carried on and on and it was / we were changing all the time... we declared friendship, which made it easier, manageable, interesting and of course free for full expression and opinion forming/ stating... plus, i was still very much full of my heavy and emotionally invested story, which i was still processing, so i could reach some kind of resolution, as time was running out and i had to decide for my own safety and future

we would talk (and still are) of love and hearts and art all put together in a pot, as they are all so well linked, especially, because we are artists (of life and the work) and other catastrophes and we'd enjoy each others' company with late night soup and talking endlessly in some uncomfortable chairs, unable to move... blurting, extracting, sharing continuously... connecting, between old souls, coming together from wherever, does it matter? i live for situations like that and that was my surprise...

good. nice. important. i am only interested in substantial, titilating, awakening, challenging bonds and this one is simply and in complication, one of those...

... and i could still feel the energy, strong, intense, which i didn't ignore as such, but had it at the back of my mind and kept it in check

and we carried on...

and my honesty was polished, my strictness, yet fairness was more apparent, i felt so totally free to express myself and my opinions on my stuff, her stuff, all sorts of stuff... and i saw myself being tough and pushing, because i could and i felt, yet again, totally inspired, plus i knew she wanted it and could handle it, although i have to remember to tone it down sometimes, somehow, without compromising my being and not crushing her too much... ouch...

and things were changing again... pure timing, some circumstance and it was high time and after i reached my natural point limit, to start finally letting go of 1. what was not working anymore, 2. unecessary anxiety, 3. non creative situations and 4. outworn stories... snap!

and it felt so good, as i mentioned in my previous posts, i felt lighter, calmer, cleaner... and i shared it and that felt right, too...

and i opened up more with slightly more detail and information, because i trust her and needed to let it out to her, for further understanding and realisation...

art and art talk and planning (photographs), love talk, heart talk, going out, endless converastions via diverse avenues and above all, a good, pure connection, which i suppose i want from all my relationships, which i consider important and with standing any factors subtly and/ or actually trying to challenge it, jeopardise it, pollute it...

this is an important relationship to me; it is based, i believe and feel, on love and deep care and trust and respect and i just wanted to say this right here and now, that when i am harsh, is only because i believe we can do better, i sincerely mean well, this person inspires my generosity and spirit

with a small dose of challenging and testing, because we are getting to know each other and i need to know what she is made for (do i have the right? she can do the same, if not already?)

needless to say, our friendship has provoked some kind of perverse/ innocent. undercurrent curiosity for quite a lot of reasons/ excuses/ pastime activity, which is something that didn't surprise me, as people are in need of constant stimulation, so they tend to get involved in other peoples' business for better or for worse, instead of reading a new book, watch a new film, or engage themselves in fruitfull discourse, concentrate on their affairs and pursue correctly and availably... alas...

for those who know me, although a public figure, i am intensely private and protect my business with tooth and nail, ready to lash at any busy bodies, as i also know and have experienced what is like...

so, i consciously became more protective and with a fair amount of throwing into the deep end, because i am not a mother and i don't wish to chew anyone's food.

gossip, predators, jealousy, antagonism, all there for the recognising and leaving and one can trust the other and hope for the best; also, if the connection is good, then there is nothing to worry about, is there? so, bring in the glitches and the tests...

which shifts me to the question, whether two people, who meet at a particular time in life and get connected well, get on, look good, understand, lick each others' wounds, test each other and generally having a swell time, should move (naturally/ obediently) to another level of their friendship and love?
are they friends?
have they ever been? in the first place?
is it worth endangering something so precious, by adding other elements into it?
is it natural? as a progress, i mean, which brings me to my question above, were they ever friends?
??????
question upon question and the facts are the same: boxes are not ticked, but gladly ignored, which is dangerous, because they can reappear again in due time; they are a lot of differences as well as similarities, which perhaps orient the whole thing and lastly, this one is too good to lose... is my dynamic, which is always so defined, a bit unclear?

something happened to trigger this train of thought into some kind of motion, in fact two things happened, but i supoose my best bet is to wait and see and be as brutally honest with my heart and self, as i am with her, because i cannot walk away from it and yes, of course i have thought about it, more than once, for sheer self preservation, but how could i? and totally opt to do the opposite of what is expected of me, as i love going against the grain and surprising others and myself...

relax (well, i can at least try) and watch my thoughts, instead of thinking them, a friend advised me recently and trust me, it's harder than it sounds to achieve, but it's well worth it...

... as well as instigating a new project, where i write down the first thought that comes to mind, when i wake up in the morning... i shall do this for two months and see where it leads me... although yesterday, i forgot, because i was so distracetd by a plethora of words and feelings gushing out on a live page

meanwhile, it feels ok that i cleansed a bit and clarified a little, so i can have some kind of perspective, but all far too blurry still...

even so, exciting stuff and all good really (especially, if it's true)
in my thoughts, pure and simple...

ps i am slightly disappointed, because of idealism and high standards and i hope there is no crack/ negativity, because of it, so i shall see..