dreams...

... twice in a week, twice in a night...

wide awake

here and there...

turning points

as my day begins, somewhere else is supper time...

i am back with the need to upload my thoughts, feelings and visuals (as concealing/ revealing/ symbolically/ protectively) as i do.

i have made myself very busy, busier than before, that is, with activities and work, which i enjoy, prefer and can put my heart in with fullness and passion.
call it fate, time, planetary hustle and bustle, time, age, circumstance, determination, self - motivation, the sheer need for some kind of revolution, i had to do it, wanted to do it and the more i involve myself in it, the more right it feels.

so, after a great deal of thought, past planning, coming into my present, anticipation, a limited budget, but plenty of courage and positivity, i decided, conceived, organised, funded and launched my own little venture, aside from queen Bees and the Platform, my own video - performances and the djing: stav B's slammer bar! a speakeasy, prohibition style bar, where ideas spark, projects materialise and exquisite liquid consumed, i wrote in the blurbs of the facebook group i created.

in the slammer; a 1920s building, ex police station (hence the name, as it's a slang for prison, a cocktail and perhaps epitomises my character correctly, which i devised in my friend's garden in peckham one sunny afternoon), with cells - turned into art spaces (men) and toilets (women) - is that by chance?, interview rooms - turned into exhibition galleries and a surgery room - turned into my storage space...
participating in AA (architectural association filming) led me to an encounter, led me to the old police station, led me to my original planning, led me to the materialisation, led me to the fact that i'm finally doing my own thing, without the shackles of some pointless authority/ bureaucracy/ male energy... phew...

i found myself doing the things i was doing for other people, for myself and my little business: meetings, wine tasting, stock choosing and ordering, calculating what money i have (next to nothing), opening a business account, registering the company (doing this later today), searching for funding and sponsorship, discussing with my good friend, who records my performances and designs my flyers and plays the music, the new project (he has been super supportive and amazing with fabulous results) and my favourite, of course: shopping!

so, i set this little bar up, knowing exactly what i wanted, how i wanted it, what i was going to sell and how with a few pennies (no exaggeration, there, but i took the risk, as it's juicier and more interesting and so fundamental), to see how it goes, evolves, develops, via my part - time job, fashion shows and modelling, boutique bar show visits, for contacts and reunions and i got really drunk, after a 6 week sabbatical, as i wasn't driving and i was excited and between good friends... sushi later sorted me out and i was composed again!

stav B's slammer bar is held at the old police station in deptford, london se14, the first and fouth friday of the month.
we had fun at the launch and i could see it working. hard work was rewarded and i didn't mind at all.

the main reason i write so extensively about the slammer bar, is because i believe it symbolises a great turning point in my life:

1. i created myself a job, because i needed one and i'd rather not work for other people (although my part - time job at the moment suits me fine and helps me financially)
2. it feels good for me to have my limits of action, pro - action, skills and personality stretched with something interesting and worthwhile causes, which i devise and control.
3. it's high time to actually lead
4. to put everything i've done up to now to some kind of sense
5. to feel more secure and save tickets money and other lovely enterprises
6. to make some kind of political point: woman, dyke, slim, stylish, little money, lots of guts, attitude and experience... let's see how it goes...

... which brings me to my main focal point of life: how much i love and how i want to love deliciously, maturely, innocently, spectacularly!

she has been on my mind from the beginning; in my visions, she is in dialogue with me, involving herself with my new project, ready to spring her opinions and take over and i recruit her, when she asks whether she can help: ' you are good on the phones, with projects and computers, get me some business'! she smiles cheekily, calls me bossy and trots off to start work... because she is a hard worker, in oher matters other than the heart; it's easier this way.

hard work as of late has given me a better and clearer perspective, but it has changed nothing regarding the state of my heart; still, very much full of her...

... what i am letting go off, is the anxiety, the pain, for pure love and beauty and peace and some hard passion to rule and make me happy...

meanwhile, the indirect glimpses continue and i wait quietly, i stand still (in my reactions; let me have some ego, please and call her bluff) and relish them

i am strong, i am powerful, i am in control, i am in love and i love and there is nothing wrong with that... i have just changed the guidelines of the game, for some variety, stirring, excitement... en veras...

faith? always
hope? forever...

south london press (24/9/10. page 8) article (not very accurate, but on paper) by nadia gilani
logo designed by doug haywood
poem written by sophie lord

slammed it...

... and now, i retire quietly, because i need it so much...
it has been a good start...

slamming it...

... and taking care of business...

and i need her now, today, at this point and the next day, more than yesterday and the day before and perhaps i have started to see glimpses, which i'm collecting
i am stretching my boundaries, expanding my horizons, exercising my skills, sharpening my brain and polishing my heart... on stand by and ready mode...

it will all make sense and fall into place (as it should)...


(the very first song clip i sent her one cold cold winter afternoon)

portal

on friday, i spinned some records - vinyl only, as it's my love-, as i do every second friday of the month in this cute little bar, only ten minutes drive, if that, from my house... i always have fun in there: the people (staff and customers) like the music, dance and/ or sing along, request, compliment, ask for my card and/ or how much they like my hair...
i always keep my phone under the decks, as an indicator for time and i often, if not regualrly remember, the time, when my night was her morning and a plane was taken for a gathering in another town and how much we both wished i was on that plane, instead of playing 'avalon' by roxy music to a bunch of strangers in the area of se14...

... then i went to duckie's (a gay night full of cabaret and working - class, defunct fun, most of the time, which is based in london's royal vauxhall tavern) fifteenth birthday party in the ballroom of the royal festival hall (southbank, london and not somewhere else) for a quick celebration and a dance and to meet some folk: it was jolly, colourful, old - fashioned, sweaty... i met my people, i danced and sang to james's 'sit down' and 'viva espana', took some snaps, for memory and fun...

saturday was work day, which doesn't bother me, because
1. i earn some cash
2. i can hide
3. i meet new kinds of people
4. i remain detached and respected and appreciated and then, i go home

sunday, was exactly like a golden autum day, i have been talking about recently, full of warm sunshine, floating clouds and a slight wind...
i got myself out of bed, as soon as i could and got ready to be titilated and inspired and express myself with two amazing, beautiful, intelligent and understanding individulas, to become very important in my life and good friends: my new boys! and i wish i was meeting her too, to share the experience together and to have her hold my hand and to gaze at me, while i was talking and just feel her warm presence next to mine and to peer at her, while she was talking and to throw her kisses and hold her thigh under the table... with the occasional hug for tenderness...

alas...
i articulated freely on a lot of topics, with her constantly circulating my mind... i observed, detected, dissected, refreshingly understood, exchanged...

we had breakfast by the lake and had lattes (them, not me; i don't drink coffee, but i'm good at making it), earl grey tea and oj and smoked marlboro siver duty free cigarettes - we shared -.

i loved it. all of it. entertaining and clever and godamn honest... yes! more and more and i cannot wait... the timing is right, as i believe we need each other; one of them is going to go through a similar experience; i am here and i fathom...

we shopped too and took photos, again for memory and fun... the encounter came to a halt with a scrumptious brownie and more tea and lots of poetry and talk on love, giving, taking, testing, detaching, more loving...

later, i went to my east london haunt, which was more of a second home, to the point of suffocation - not anymore, thank goodness - and again, socialised over a virgin mojito and a camel light and spotted a fixie locked on the pole , where hers was first latched, when i first met her... four seasons ago... recollections passing then, to become paramount later and now and...

... met another friend, who has become a confidante and a pleasant companion, based on honesty and love and art, too... for pizza and a huge slice of tiramisu with two spoons and we enjoyed the chill of the autumn evening and the melancholy of it all and the news (hers on new work/ mine on a very much needed website)... i drove her home... i drove myself home, seriously satisfied with my weekend and the general camaraderie...

caught up on some emails and texts for further communication, with souls i haven't seen for a while and/ or i won't see, as they are on a trip and fell asleep tired, with the light on, trixie by my thigh and my lover residing in my head gently, but persistently, chatting to me, as she has been all weekend and for some time now...

mercury is gone direct; the doors have opened again for action and communication and i have been advised to create a cascade, ignoring any resistance... i was thinking that perhaps, the orange flower has run out...

i feel hopeful and loved... and i am in .... hopelessly (but that is a euphemism)...

i saved her face, after scrutinising it with passion...

close - up

the cigarette was half lit earlier; i know what that means (i have not drunk for four weeks, i still smoke, but, consciously and in specific occasions, not as much as, say in the summer)
i am anxious, excited, restless (and still cannot sleep), butterflies and ribbons in my stomach; knots and wings...
last night, i cut another piece of myself and gave it wholeheartedly to a friend who deserved it
my secret questioning of what i deserve and my secret yearning for my love were put aside, but never unimportantly, as i was feeling the love, the closeness, the camaraderie...
i am here, but far away drifting, roaming, wandering... that has been going on for some time
i am silent and distant, but talkative and near
inside my head, there is a dialogue (no, i am not hearing voices, but another loop of my life is unravelling)
i am wearing my masks well, like the perfect performer, knowing the cues, but i am real, truer every day, sharp, awake... and my heart: wide open... i am getting closer...

skin

after meditation and exhaling an exhausting day out, inhaling as much goodness in... wishing, loving... more and more each day...
and the sleep, peaceful... full of dreams and wonderful anticipation, for a lot of things... uncanny...

a love letter

polaroids by rhiannon adam

6 September
London

My Lover,
I have lost count of all the letters, photographs, short and long messages exchanged between us. Amazing. I am grateful.
And I never tire of your words and your face, as they are my solace, my company during your long, endless absence. When?
I yearn for your tight embrace, your piercing gaze, your deep, passionate kisses, your voice, your constant presence in my life, my bursting, tiny world, full of dreams, hopes and aspirations, futile without you…
I am doing my best, trying to understand why we have to be apart: the vast sea, the enormous road, work, self - improvement, opportunity, fate and time… I fail…
Although calm and cool and collected, I think of you constantly, miss you desperately and dream of you nearly incessantly; more often than not, twice, maybe thrice a week and it is always so lovely, yet haunting…
It is raining…autumn has begun and with it my melancholy; I need you more than ever, right now, right here; long walks in the park, everlasting conversations, warm hand holding and some serious loving… I need your advice, your opinion, your help and support…
You are my salt, my flavour, my joy… I walk and talk and create and exist to the best of my abilities, but your body is missing…
I wish you could unlock and remove this chain; it bruises my heart and I require it for your love…
You told me once and another time, that you would do anything for me; I sent you to the ocean to find the golden key; have you done it? I asked you next time you dive into the deep and meet a shark, steal a tooth from him or her and send it to me with seaweed aromas and a pouch of sand… the tooth will have an arrow engraved on it, which will direct you to the golden key, which will unlock the padlock to my heart and reveal all the treasures from the sacred trunk all the way down to the bottom of the ocean… only you can do it… do you remember?
You are my gift, my inspiration, the main reason for my excitement and sheer happiness… I am glad I realised how wonderful you are and didn’t pass you by… and if this distance is a test, then I intend to pass it with flying garlands, celebrating your existence and our encounter.
I don’t want to get used to your absence, so I keep you thriving in my everyday life: How are you? How are you feeling? What are you doing? Please look after yourself, now I am not near…
Do forgive my occasional silence and /or lack of correspondence; I am not being lazy, playful or cruel but sometimes, busy and perhaps gasping for a little breath, so always remember that you are in my heart relentlessly, in my mind persistently and in my life continually. I am glad about that.
I love you.
Write back to me as quickly as possible. I am ravenous for your prose. Let’s not make each other wait any longer.
Yours completely,
Your Lover.
X
PS. The photograph attached with this letter has felt my lips.

loud desire, silent bellow

the currents are too strong.
the dreams apparent and material.
the thoughts clearer.
the heart juicier.
the passion intact.
the reminiscence ongoing.

on line... more than once...

invisible is now away; pointless to hide...

the feelings must/ should/ are to be declared.
vulnerability evident; power achieved though love...

i am reaching my zenith... slowly, surely, explosively...

can i/ will i take it?
i have written the letter and sent it away to foreign hands... for art... but the love is there.

also: WHERE IS MY PODCAST?
(mercury retrograde is affecting my device, but calms me down full of reflection, hope and (no) expectations...

polaroid by rhiannon adam

september...

... is here... the second, a quarter past twelve, a quarter past nine, on the same day... 22/9, 14/8...

eating golden plums in bed, listening to brahms' cello sonata no2 on bbc radio 3, my window open, there is some sun, the day feels lovely...
autumn
beginning, reflecting, sowing, thinking and doing
romantic, melancholic, warm - hearted
walks in the park layered with golden leaves, endless snuggling in bed with books, papers, breakfast trays and lots of loving


i am getting busier
an old aspiration has come back and now it is becoming a possibility, launching the 24th... more details to come...
nervous and excited and absolutely fundamental to be materailised; i'll make it happen...

she hops on my dream carriage more often than not these days and today, she was in my bed! it's rather lovely and unnerving and i suppose normal, to appear vivid and herself in my dreams with her cheek, her warm body, her childish manner, her nervous disposition, her love and care, her piercing gaze... i miss her very very much and i'll be missing her more with this change of season... it is going to get more lonely and sad, but the nostalgia sweet... i am so glad i am feeling, however, i don't want to grow cold and closed, that will be my death; so i am keeping myself busy with art and cocktail making, photograph taking, project launching, tie wearing, people mingling, car driving, bike cycling, endless thinking, hoping, loving, believing...

life is sweet and i am grateful for it, but something is missing... my salt, my flavour...

it will be allright, fine, dandy, i know it...

... till then, i welcome the golden autum with a new air of positivity and my sadness is a revealing/ concealing attire...

i blow kisses, i send love... i am longing for a heartfelt embrace...

your (my) greatest strength is love...

... and other affirmations...