the cigarette was half lit earlier; i know what that means (i have not drunk for four weeks, i still smoke, but, consciously and in specific occasions, not as much as, say in the summer) i am anxious, excited, restless (and still cannot sleep), butterflies and ribbons in my stomach; knots and wings... last night, i cut another piece of myself and gave it wholeheartedly to a friend who deserved it my secret questioning of what i deserve and my secret yearning for my love were put aside, but never unimportantly, as i was feeling the love, the closeness, the camaraderie... i am here, but far away drifting, roaming, wandering... that has been going on for some time i am silent and distant, but talkative and near inside my head, there is a dialogue (no, i am not hearing voices, but another loop of my life is unravelling) i am wearing my masks well, like the perfect performer, knowing the cues, but i am real, truer every day, sharp, awake... and my heart: wide open... i am getting closer...
after meditation and exhaling an exhausting day out, inhaling as much goodness in... wishing, loving... more and more each day... and the sleep, peaceful... full of dreams and wonderful anticipation, for a lot of things... uncanny...
My Lover, I have lost count of all the letters, photographs, short and long messages exchanged between us. Amazing. I am grateful. And I never tire of your words and your face, as they are my solace, my company during your long, endless absence. When? I yearn for your tight embrace, your piercing gaze, your deep, passionate kisses, your voice, your constant presence in my life, my bursting, tiny world, full of dreams, hopes and aspirations, futile without you… I am doing my best, trying to understand why we have to be apart: the vast sea, the enormous road, work, self - improvement, opportunity, fate and time… I fail… Although calm and cool and collected, I think of you constantly, miss you desperately and dream of you nearly incessantly; more often than not, twice, maybe thrice a week and it is always so lovely, yet haunting… It is raining…autumn has begun and with it my melancholy; I need you more than ever, right now, right here; long walks in the park, everlasting conversations, warm hand holding and some serious loving… I need your advice, your opinion, your help and support… You are my salt, my flavour, my joy… I walk and talk and create and exist to the best of my abilities, but your body is missing… I wish you could unlock and remove this chain; it bruises my heart and I require it for your love… You told me once and another time, that you would do anything for me; I sent you to the ocean to find the golden key; have you done it? I asked you next time you dive into the deep and meet a shark, steal a tooth from him or her and send it to me with seaweed aromas and a pouch of sand… the tooth will have an arrow engraved on it, which will direct you to the golden key, which will unlock the padlock to my heart and reveal all the treasures from the sacred trunk all the way down to the bottom of the ocean… only you can do it… do you remember? You are my gift, my inspiration, the main reason for my excitement and sheer happiness… I am glad I realised how wonderful you are and didn’t pass you by… and if this distance is a test, then I intend to pass it with flying garlands, celebrating your existence and our encounter. I don’t want to get used to your absence, so I keep you thriving in my everyday life: How are you? How are you feeling? What are you doing? Please look after yourself, now I am not near… Do forgive my occasional silence and /or lack of correspondence; I am not being lazy, playful or cruel but sometimes, busy and perhaps gasping for a little breath, so always remember that you are in my heart relentlessly, in my mind persistently and in my life continually. I am glad about that. I love you. Write back to me as quickly as possible. I am ravenous for your prose. Let’s not make each other wait any longer. Yours completely, Your Lover. X PS. The photograph attached with this letter has felt my lips.
... is here... the second, a quarter past twelve, a quarter past nine, on the same day... 22/9, 14/8...
eating golden plums in bed, listening to brahms' cello sonata no2 on bbc radio 3, my window open, there is some sun, the day feels lovely... autumn beginning, reflecting, sowing, thinking and doing romantic, melancholic, warm - hearted walks in the park layered with golden leaves, endless snuggling in bed with books, papers, breakfast trays and lots of loving
i am getting busier an old aspiration has come back and now it is becoming a possibility, launching the 24th... more details to come... nervous and excited and absolutely fundamental to be materailised; i'll make it happen...
she hops on my dream carriage more often than not these days and today, she was in my bed! it's rather lovely and unnerving and i suppose normal, to appear vivid and herself in my dreams with her cheek, her warm body, her childish manner, her nervous disposition, her love and care, her piercing gaze... i miss her very very much and i'll be missing her more with this change of season... it is going to get more lonely and sad, but the nostalgia sweet... i am so glad i am feeling, however, i don't want to grow cold and closed, that will be my death; so i am keeping myself busy with art and cocktail making, photograph taking, project launching, tie wearing, people mingling, car driving, bike cycling, endless thinking, hoping, loving, believing...
life is sweet and i am grateful for it, but something is missing... my salt, my flavour...
it will be allright, fine, dandy, i know it...
... till then, i welcome the golden autum with a new air of positivity and my sadness is a revealing/ concealing attire...
i blow kisses, i send love... i am longing for a heartfelt embrace...
