the now

i shall tell you where i'm at in the morning...

onwards and upwards

... and i am completing tasks

1.completed
2.
3.
4.
5.

and it's getting smoother
and it's summer, at least in theory
and i cycle a lot
and i drink a lot of water
and i keep it real, yet positive
and what i deserve, comes to me
and what i don't need, i lose/ discard/ let go of...

i'll be back... meanwhile,

i think i love you (her)!

trixie Bee (b. 9 june 2000 - d. 26 may 2011)

i thought an homage to my cat trixie, who died so suddenly yesterday afternoon, would be a nice and appropriate thing to do and as a farewell, which goodness knows how long it will last, as we have been together for eleven years and her absence is a huge void, which i didn't realise i was going to possess (since bizarrely this year, i kept thinking: 'what am i going to do when she dies'?)

as i was observing the changes, her neediness to be close to me and at the same time, sustaining her independence and galloping like a miniature horse up and down the corridor in the middle of the night and opening the bedroom door wide (so annoying, i must admit), to crawl back into bed with me...

trixie appeared in my life in june 1990, seven weeks after she was born. i found her in LOOT paper. she cost me £30. i drove all the way to south croydon to get her and upon my first glance at her, i fell in love, named her trixie and took her away from that busy, untidy household, full of cats and kids and toys and an ordinary, but kind lady in bleached hair, who was obviously too busy to cope, to start her new life with me; just the two of us.

i had lost stanley, my black shorthair boy to an egotistical partner, who wanted a piece of me, via my cat and deciding to get another years later, was a big step. and i wanted a black female kitten. and trixie fell into my lap.

on the way home, i stopped at a pet store and bought her a basket; racing green and stone white with a teddy bear with hearts and ribbons and the word baby cushion in it. stainless steel bowls, because they are hygienic and stylish, which later were resting on a small catering tray i had knicked from work.

our journey began.
trixie was asleep throughout the car trip, which worried me at first and later, i translated as 'she felt at home', plus she was a baby. with bleary blue eyes, a fluffy, shiny, healthy coat, which she maintained till she was buried (no exaggeration there) and an inquisitive attitude.

i write about trixie here with so much desire, not only because her material self has passed, or because she was such an important part of me, but also, because she was mine for our brief/ long time together, she bore my name, i was totally responsible for her and no one could/ would take her away from me... well, apart from death.

i put her food and water down and sorted out her litter tray; in the bathroom of the studio flat i was living in then... and left to go to work. shame on me, but i had to...

when i got back that night, very very late, i could not see her or hear her, but her food had been touched and the tray had been used; i was so lucky to have a litter trained kitten...

... and suddenly and from my cowboy boots, which still bear her tiny scratches, this little sleepy creature appeared following me around and just fitting in the one and half palm of my hands! and then, i knew, that trixie was here to stay! she slept with me, in the nook of my neck that night and every night and soon after, she strarted purring... i was a happy mummy and she was a happy kitten...

our life together included games, her scatching everything BUT her scartching board; the side of my sofa is patterned with her paws and she has ruined some carpets, de fleeing, vaccines, worming and neutering (she was basically an indoor cat), car trips, which she hated, in between houses situations, she despised moving, a couple of disappearances, which freaked me out, as she could tolerate no collar and she was not chipped, but ended up back in my arms, by herself and after me putting posts in all trees, calling all possible sources and looking out of the window for her safe return..., sleeping together, arguing and talking in some strange language, which only her and i could decipher and comprehend, sharing food, as she was blatantly and unapologetically copying me, as it was always her and me; she loved cashews, pop corn and non chicken and non ham slices, made of soy and spices; no joke; this cat was growling, when i was taking these slices out...!

greedy little thing...

bright eyed

gorgeous

good natured, apart from the biting

excellent, shiny coat, bright, yellow eyes, huge ears, endless whiskers, thick, long tail, great teeth, breath smelling of horrid go -cat/ felix/ whiskas, iams, etc... chicken/ tuna and veg food, her own...

hiding well and ignoring my desperate calls (i want to see you now)... starting from the back of the fridge as a baby and discovering a concave between cupboards on top of the cooker as an adult...

normal stuff, talking about her to others, when i was asked 'who do you live with?', like she was my flatmate/ companion and i suppose she has been; the perfect squatter...

she met friends and lovers, she watched tv and listened to endless music, she stayed with pals temporarily, before we got re united again...

i'll miss her miaow, as she jumps up the bed, her scratching, as a sign of attention, her midnight pacing, her falling asleep on my lap, her back touching my thigh, when we were in bed, her instinct, her fear of fireworks and premonitions under the full moon, i'll miss HER...

she must have eaten something she discovered under the sink, where she was hiding at a friend's house, where she was staying temporarily... she was in pain, she was dying, the vet said her liver collapsed, blood in the urine, hypothermia... as i went to see her after her blood test, her eyes were already glazed: i thought to myself, this cat is going to go and within seconds, she was gone!

it's all very surreal and weird and i feel empty and shocked in a dangerously quiet manner, so logic has not sunk in: what did i do wrong? was i a good, responsible mother? if i hadn't done this and that, gone here and there, would she still be alive?, etc

but what is the point? regret and gulit are futile emotions, which lead us nowhere and i know in my heart, i did the best i could for trixie and i hope she forgives me for any inconsistencies and/ or mistakes; goodness knows, how much i loved that cat, my cat; trixie, trix, trixibelle! but i suppose her time had come and i hope she did not suffer for long...

trixie is buried in the garden of the house she was staying; in bow. next to jack, the ferret. she was stiff and in foetal position, as i placed her gently in her own hole, her coat, still shiny and soft, eyes closed, mouth pursed in a permanent grin.

i'm left alone to remember, to write about it, to bear it, to grieve, to resolve... thoughts of how close we are to our pet companions are strong and unbreakable; part of life; part of love...

i have shared with friends on facebook, something that i thought of doing very hard, as it's not my style, but frankly, i needed some sympathetic, empathetic words, which i gladly received by most folk, who understood and who understood, because they have been there and i observed with curiosity and slight sadness, the peeps, who i had considered friends did not acknowledge the loss, the pain, the difficulty and i am wondering: too much, too scared, too indifferent, too uncaring; life is just a party and if a tragedy is not happening to me, or my closed ones, why should i care?, etc... but things do happen to all of us and we should all care, alas... life lessons, constantly before us...

another chapter complete, another to begin... meanwhile, i bid farewell to my beloved trixie, my beautiful cat of eleven years; after myself and my mother, my longest companion: Rest In Peace, as i'm sure you will.

i have loved you and have been loved by you and i am glad about that.

lights and tunnels and the shining sun

take control

with

bold action
love and understanding

ignore

the

trivial and unimportant

with no reaction and/ or saliva and words, so irrelevant

i have allowed the sun to kiss my skin, my face, my hair, revive me, make me better
till she comes...

... and she has...!

meanwhile, i am cleansing in and out, planning the beginning/s in my head...
... before the materialisation...

it's all good and getting better, despite the jealousies, antagonisms, mentalisms and indifferences...
sad more than infuraiting and it will pass, like a fleeting, harmless, germ...

outliving this, is a piece of cake, indeed...

in love and faith and a big sense of humour, too!

four bakewell tarts later...

i'm sick...
it started at easter sunday in the hackney living room... i thought it was a mild case of hayfever...

i had temperature, very rare for me and i was melting in my bed, alone, haunted by nihilistic and ultra sad thoughts and fantasies of how i'm going to die alone and no one will discover me, till i start to smell... the fever...

so, i stayed in bed to sweat it all off, as my bones were cracking and aching and my spirit was low, but somehow i knew it was not the end...

i'm better today, cooler, but coughing and sneezing incessantly...

my thoughts escalate from despair to hope, to creative energy to extreme sadness, from nunbness, to boldness, etc...

i am tired

the pocket watch has stopped working at 8:21/ 20:21 and a small piece is chipped away between the 4 and 5... devastating... is this a sign?

the phone is not ringing
the text notification is not clinking
the exchanges are very rare and specific; mercury?

in my fluey stupor, i pull and push, remember and forget, hold on to and let go, almost totally accept...

next?
i shall see... meanwhile, i am about to start again, again, in almost about everything and that is more mind - space taking than...

and in the heart...

a door...more than ajar...

through thick and thin

it's quiet.

full and new moons have been and gone leaving traces of lingering impressions behind...

retrograde for another eleven days...

it's silent.

still.

giving plenty of room for reflection and hopefully not despair.

must keep cool at all times.
maintain happiness and aboveness...

must, should, ought to... blah blah blah... is this careful manifestation working? is it ego? pride? reaction? or simply a tactic? destiny pushing and shoving so that we act correctly? other factors controlling/ influencing/ chipping/ damaging/ constructing?

i hold no worry, no grudge, but belief, patience, understanding, consistency and love. of course.
i have said it before and i'm writing it here again: the ball has started rolling and it's rolling well; no point for doubt and/ or pessimism; all obstacles eliminated, heart open, quest for freedom inevitable, emotional depth ultimate! beyond our control!

meanwhile, practicalities and logistics are on the agenda of the everyday, as well as, solving glitches. breaking patterns, drastic changing and busy, so busy schedules and scheduling...

the LLGFF 2011 was short this year, as this useless and patriarcal government cut it to one week (instead of two)... that resulted in two reactions: the usual, moaning, uproaring one and a very positive one, which created an alternative festival around the east end of london for four days, afetr a loose converstaion of three friends over some red wine: FRINGE gay film fest was born: with four days of the launch and other parties, screenings and talks and events and performances in altrenative, cool places in hackney. and it was great. fun. interesting. fantastically embraced.

the bar was asked to be involved and we had the most splendid time. completely. with no problems, interruptions, drama. just pure, undiluted fun, with lots of peeps coming in, drinking, mingling, watching the women's shorts... upstairs in the victorian living room...

we were also blessed with this unbelievable sunshine, warmth and blue skies, which we all here in london crave so much, so that added to the fun of our festival...

i got together with friends wandering around the various visual and oral treats, either live, or on the screen... we drank wine, we ate foods from all over the world, right on our doorstep and we celebrated our good fortune... as we are lucky and healthy and alive and free, more than others here and everywhere... the power of the collective is not to be underestimated, therefore, practised more ofen than not, especially in these challenging times, where the material is so irrelevant and the soul isn't...

i am exercising my liberty and struggling not to forget my heart
i am utilising my logic and slowly letting go of the shuckles of my stubborness
i remain detached, yet involved; distant, yet loyal; melancolic, yet understanding and very very busy...

and i don't forget to season, however, all fine and dandy and i'm doing (hopefully) well and the right thing, but...

there is some vacuuming to be done... and some serious screaming... to clean and offload...

the wonderful game of love

is it?

i guess...

exactly one month after my last post, although i have been thinking of writing long before...

i am here

but where?

the full moon on saturday 19 was MASSIVE and so amazing!

spring has come knocking on our london doors, but still crisp and chilly

the sun is shining in the mornings, offering sweet confusion and anticipation, positivity and possibilities; exciting and scary stuff afoot; cannot escape, neither analyse mentally, so the heart has to feel and decide... to rise again in yummy fluffiness and gorgeous love!

faded memories slightly occupy my being: spring when i was at college, falling in love in spring, being in love in spring, new activities and beginnings, lighter clothes, a smile on my face, a spring on my step... sweet melancoly...