with no reaction and/ or saliva and words, so irrelevant
i have allowed the sun to kiss my skin, my face, my hair, revive me, make me better till she comes...
... and she has...!
meanwhile, i am cleansing in and out, planning the beginning/s in my head... ... before the materialisation...
it's all good and getting better, despite the jealousies, antagonisms, mentalisms and indifferences... sad more than infuraiting and it will pass, like a fleeting, harmless, germ...
i'm sick... it started at easter sunday in the hackney living room... i thought it was a mild case of hayfever...
i had temperature, very rare for me and i was melting in my bed, alone, haunted by nihilistic and ultra sad thoughts and fantasies of how i'm going to die alone and no one will discover me, till i start to smell... the fever...
so, i stayed in bed to sweat it all off, as my bones were cracking and aching and my spirit was low, but somehow i knew it was not the end...
i'm better today, cooler, but coughing and sneezing incessantly...
my thoughts escalate from despair to hope, to creative energy to extreme sadness, from nunbness, to boldness, etc...
i am tired
the pocket watch has stopped working at 8:21/ 20:21 and a small piece is chipped away between the 4 and 5... devastating... is this a sign?
the phone is not ringing the text notification is not clinking the exchanges are very rare and specific; mercury?
in my fluey stupor, i pull and push, remember and forget, hold on to and let go, almost totally accept...
next? i shall see... meanwhile, i am about to start again, again, in almost about everything and that is more mind - space taking than...
full and new moons have been and gone leaving traces of lingering impressions behind...
retrograde for another eleven days...
it's silent.
still.
giving plenty of room for reflection and hopefully not despair.
must keep cool at all times. maintain happiness and aboveness...
must, should, ought to... blah blah blah... is this careful manifestation working? is it ego? pride? reaction? or simply a tactic? destiny pushing and shoving so that we act correctly? other factors controlling/ influencing/ chipping/ damaging/ constructing?
i hold no worry, no grudge, but belief, patience, understanding, consistency and love. of course. i have said it before and i'm writing it here again: the ball has started rolling and it's rolling well; no point for doubt and/ or pessimism; all obstacles eliminated, heart open, quest for freedom inevitable, emotional depth ultimate! beyond our control!
meanwhile, practicalities and logistics are on the agenda of the everyday, as well as, solving glitches. breaking patterns, drastic changing and busy, so busy schedules and scheduling...
the LLGFF 2011 was short this year, as this useless and patriarcal government cut it to one week (instead of two)... that resulted in two reactions: the usual, moaning, uproaring one and a very positive one, which created an alternative festival around the east end of london for four days, afetr a loose converstaion of three friends over some red wine: FRINGE gay film fest was born: with four days of the launch and other parties, screenings and talks and events and performances in altrenative, cool places in hackney. and it was great. fun. interesting. fantastically embraced.
the bar was asked to be involved and we had the most splendid time. completely. with no problems, interruptions, drama. just pure, undiluted fun, with lots of peeps coming in, drinking, mingling, watching the women's shorts... upstairs in the victorian living room...
we were also blessed with this unbelievable sunshine, warmth and blue skies, which we all here in london crave so much, so that added to the fun of our festival...
i got together with friends wandering around the various visual and oral treats, either live, or on the screen... we drank wine, we ate foods from all over the world, right on our doorstep and we celebrated our good fortune... as we are lucky and healthy and alive and free, more than others here and everywhere... the power of the collective is not to be underestimated, therefore, practised more ofen than not, especially in these challenging times, where the material is so irrelevant and the soul isn't...
i am exercising my liberty and struggling not to forget my heart i am utilising my logic and slowly letting go of the shuckles of my stubborness i remain detached, yet involved; distant, yet loyal; melancolic, yet understanding and very very busy...
and i don't forget to season, however, all fine and dandy and i'm doing (hopefully) well and the right thing, but...
there is some vacuuming to be done... and some serious screaming... to clean and offload...
