that was yesterday... and today, i'm feeling, feeling, feeling, thinking, thinking, thinking, missing, missing, missing... penetrating my brain cells and the threads of my heart, more than the other times... i cannot escape it, so i ride it... i'm cold today; it's chilly and grey... silently loud...
... today, monday 11 october 2010, all day... i woke up very early, after falling asleep in front of my screen and with the light on, again... six in the morning - four in the afternoon - parallel temperatures
i got out of bed and out of the house to move the car i could see the sky clearing it was pleasant there was a small spot of traffic, some joggers and a couple of dog walkers i felt like i was going to travel somewhere, hence my early rising, it felt a little bit like summer, with its tiny chill i felt nice, positive, almost overwhelming
i had a bowl of oats in vanilla soy milk and a cup of green jasmine tea i did some work i communicated i remembered saturday night (dick and fanny's first birthday, my brand new video performance premiering and my friend, who's still healing from her bike accident in august, dancing and running around and being out there, doing it) i also remembered sunday, where in my comfort and safety, i found out that belgrade was burning, due to a bunch of fascists, religious fanatics and generally ignorant people, opposing violently the gay pride. still. in 2010. i have good friends there (they are all ok, thankfully) and belgrade means a lot to me (i have performed and djed in 2008 and on the way to the venue, we got attacked by a bunch of thuggie kids, who were almost fataly destructive).
i cried for my friends. last night... and my heart opened one more time...
so, i opened the window and the freshness and the warm rays came flooding in... wonderful!
i felt the love i spread the love
with songs and words
hopefully, i am reaching out far far away and so so near... so clear...
in days like these, i miss her more and think of her more frequently than before, which really is the ungarnished truth my visions are lucid and lovely: waking up together, plenty of hugging and playing and laughing and loving... who is going to make breakfast, cycling endlessly in my neighbourhood, which is green and beautiful and quiet and different and where we can hide... lunch and more laughter and power napping in nooks of neck for the ultimate closeness...
alas...
i cycled on my own for a coupe of hours... took photos, breathed it all in, smiled, whispered good somethings to myself, counted my blessings, like this glorious day, agreed with a passing rider that bromptons are beautiful, as he saw me photographing (his, was red), helped a lost person to find his way with my maps app on my iphone and cycled back home, content, exercised, in need of some food and water. she would have loved it today...
alas...
it is ten sixteen pm/dry; eight sixteen am / and it might be raining...
i'll have an early night; i feel this to be a good week, despite the glitch and some more business to take care of; but there is no gain, without pain, true?
it's sunday early evening and it is dark already... (i discovered that we are two hours apart, instead of three/ DST) it has been raining all day; the gardens are still lush and green and the skies started opening later... the clouds were golden...
i am at home, properly relaxing after work, slammer (which went well with fun, warmth, romance, diiferent folk, ambient and with opportunities for the future; i'm racing fast) work, catching up with friends (by skype/ text/ phonecall), cooking yummy greens and roasting a corn on the cob... peppermint tea to wash it all down and keep me clean and hydrated
writing/ preparing the new piece and for here, listening to various singings and thinking constantly and reflecting upon my weekend, my life, the state of my heart, which i don't want to lose, in the midst of all this activity and heavy scheduling and then, i remember that i don't have one, because it's been taken away, so there are no worries there, are there?
one more time, one more day, where: 1. i am cool, calm, collected 2. i am silent, with no resentment and working on my anger, whenever and if ever it occurs (not very often, because i remember that i understand, as well as i don't want to waste time with pointlessness) 3. i remain as positive and patient as possible; after all, love is a beautiful emotion, to make me happy and not sad 4. i accept the sadness however and sometimes and turning it around immediately, by thinking and/ or doing positive, creative, fun stuff; not hard, as i'm super social and super busy 5. i'm feeling the pain (although i did say to my last post that i'm letting go of it; i am contradictory, as well as intense) 6. i am not mean, gossipy, violent, panicky, flustered and freaked out, but full of integrity, discretion and self - respect, with my passion intact 7. i am not headfucking myself by having frequent flashing memories of nice, ugly, funny and overall loving moments, days and more moments, as well as listening to sade's 'your love is king', sometimes, like earlier today, while i was cooking
of course, all the above are relative and good on paper and trust me, i fulfill most of them; however, what i really really would like to do is: 1. scream louder than i normally do 2. love more and tell her 3. write to her and book a ticket 4. remind her that we are both still alive - just - 5. book a date in the town hall 6. go to her and hide in her arms, tell her and share much and listen loads 7. start smiling and be at peace again, all the way from the inside...
all the above are relative too and the order can be changed
i haven't stopped thinking and i haven't stopped feeling... which is a good thing and this how it is... for now and some time...
causing ripples, taking it further, slamming it thunderously and my worries dissipate as soon as they appear...
