roses and thorns

i am just coming out of an iceberg, which nearly burned me...
it started in july... i was alone, which really has been my state for some time... normal... a messy black thunder entered my orbit and something cracked, or did i allow it to crack? i shall never know, nor i want to, either.

the fantasy -  reality begun: verbal and physical activity, viral communication, crazy talk, one sided generosity, half baked appreciation, fear, madness, a lot of laughter, music, intensity, which has ended in a semi blockage, lying and involving other people! well, that is enough!

although i understand, i won't allow it to affect me anymore; there will be no more chances, no room for negotiation, no reconciliation, no admittance to a potential big love, no excuses, no reaction to micro and poor politics and antics, because of the bleak past, which really has nothing to do with me and i am certainly not responsible for...

what i am responsible for, are my actions, projections and expectations and subsequently feelings, who i have kept close to my heart, revealed to no one and eventually buried in the abyss of my soul, never to be surfaced again... 

i simply refuse to be abused by someone, who i have cared deeply for, loved hard and asked nothing for in return... although my brutality and lack of gentleness and sometimes, i have been sound and consistent, fearfully protective and immensely nurturing and what i have had in return and, i say it again, without asking, is fundamentally, lack of respect, insult, gossip, misunderstanding and sheer stupidity... there is no point going through the debris to find the diamond... there is no diamond there, there was never a diamond there... i tried and anticipated and hoped and believed and waited and again, all the above, my own doing and responsibility, to be faced with, yet again another obstacle, another sign of insecurity, another thorn, cutting my side, bleeding it,  another part to heal again... no. i don't think so.

i have had a very interesting and challenging time, despite the darkness, but the darkness was thicker than the light and i have got to protect myself, therefore, i must go with no remorse, although i am filled with sadness and again and i suffer, but for not too long and with the least damage... 

... as i have been there may times and repeating the pattern and going through the same history, with a different protagonist, would be at least foolish from my part and i have neither time, nor patience for it...

love, which, i'm sure is there somewhere, has nothing to do with it and i'll be damned if i tolerate teenage shenanigans from someone, who takes no responsibility, because they are broken and damaged... no. i don't think so.

i also know that things will change, as the only consistent thing in our lives is change and it is all going to be water under the bridge, eventually, but for the time being, there is a a silent war and not only with one particular specimen of an individual, who i shall love forever, but a very small number of individuals, who, i come to realise, have always had some agenda and it will be quite difficult for me to consider friends again, as i never really thought they were in the first place...

meanwhile, apart from myself, i nurture the real people in my life, who are simply gorgeous, sexy, interesting, caring, loving, supporting and understanding and who deserve my attention and love... room for the new, the fresh, the right, the wonderful... for souls, who won't bend and compromise, because of the state of the world, won't lose faith and solidarity, because of fear and peer pressure and will remain their true selves, full of fire, energy and truth! and i'm blessed to be knowing such folk... fortunate...

and getting on with business, which is getting busier, better, more colourful and eventually, profitable... 

on my first quarrel, i wrote a performance, which i am eager to record and perform; it is my homage to myself and my goodbye to the story, which i was always aware about, even if i let myself immersed in it for a bit... i and we know deep in our hearts,  that the connection will never cease and true love and true friendship always shine... there is no worry there... life knows, fate knows, we know...

now, that i have cleaned up my act and there is so much room in my aura, something good is happening in the form of someone, warm and lovely with pains of their own dealt with the utmost integrity... more in the next post, as i need to catch my breath and feel it more...

onwards and upwards, i continue, do i have a choice?

'whole hole' and 'the speed of stav'

august 21. 
thankfully the summer is still here with rays and warmth. yummy tummy feelings of hope and joy, but not always...

it has gone dark already... i sidetracked myself wih a precious dialoque and a snooze... it's good to be back here, i was missing uploading so much, but i was otherwise engaged... does it matter? i'm here; i never left...

i fell asleep...

august 22. 
south east london. 8:21am. i smell a bit of autumn and although i love this season so much, i am not ready for it... need to nest, first...

as usual, a lot is happening in my reality, keeping me on my toes, challenged, busy, uncomfortable, alive, sharp and aware... new lessons, hopefully, new and less mistakes and definitely, new experiences and adventures, which is what is all about... o. yes, with new folk, too.

where was i?

that story, i gave some kind of importance to, because i needed to and because it was mine, happening to me and taught me that it was all about people and not gender, has withered away successfully and with not too much or very little, or no pain and grain and trauma at all, as it came to its natural end, in its own time, after a platonic existence, which hurt neither parts (although the other still craves the attention; not me).

phew!

it was a nice little interlude based on fantasy, style, fashion and gender struggle and the refusal to compromise... my mentoring was inexhaustible for a very long time, until and thank goodness, a catalyst, redefined my position and i escaped the potential shackles it could have brought me... mind numbing and soul stifling and i'm too old and wise for that, plus there was no love, just power, again, phew!


and i continue... do i have a choice, but to carry on eating life and all its dishes, fattening my starving heart with nutrients of excitement and the new, the fresh, the crazy, the essential, the beautiful... and with love, just around the corner to get me out of my self - inflicted control and stubborness...

and again, phew! i sould not forget to breathe...

which bring me to the now:

i work a lot and most of the time. it's good for me to be busy and to focus on my own projects and making a living for survival and help the others, without being an idiot, but i am also reaching burnt out levels, which i am trying to eliminate with detachment, internal space finding and a day off!
i am tired, but not as i write, because i did take a day off, yesterday, ate greens, devoured six apricots, drank a lot of water, smoked no cigarettes, drank no alcohol and snoozed and slept early, after sending a message, with a lovely thought or two and with no hesitation.

i have chopped bloodlessly, very effectively and completely a few rotten branches from my tree, which, at first seemed to be fun and good and important, only to prove with time and circumstance, ridiculous, selfish, vouyeuristic, creepy and totally overstepping the mark, in the name of friendship and closeness! dangerous and not even challenging! out out out forever and away..., but i knew all along and sometimes, it's good to give some stuff a chance, but only sometimes... as the instincts never fail to fail me...

and i'm growing, cultivating, developing and letting in the well deserved elements, contributing to my precious life! and having so much fun, on top of it, too... with the most wonderful company...

... fresh and wild and totally smart... a little genius, toying within the realms of madness and the extremities of expression via the sounds of music and the layers of emotion... at last, some true, genuine, undiluted intensity, i can relate to, be part of and exchange with...

... and i'm inspired again, smiling again, excited again, apprehensive again, a tad nervous and very sensitive, but brutal and tough and totally into it, anticipating, not the outcome, but the unravelling and all because a new mirror has been discovered to show me up, dust my chair, get me out of my comfort zone, consider me an individual and not some fantastical entity, with a juicy dialogue and a lot of huggings... music? galore! and laughter!

i take it with ease, but not triviality, i smother it not, but totally protect it, as i know it has already faced opposition and misunderstood points of view, laced with jealousy and antagonism... i will strike harder than before, should anyone or anything even begins to consider a demise... keeping it safe, trusting, warm and free and very loving... it is rather simple and no one's business...

my social position, through fate and choice, has brought an array of attentive reactions, demands and responsibility... 
i must take care not to lose myself in some professional abyss, eaten slowly by moths and worms and disappearing in some detrimental race of mundanity and wallowing hollowness... just saying to pinch and remind myself, as i know that this is not going to be possible, even if i slip...

i am a whole hole and super fast... emerging!

i'm called 'the speed of stav' and i begin to realise that is is no exaggeration... good to have the voice to remind me... good to have a voice and the power of kicking against the pricks!

i'll be back... the day has begun and it smells of promise...

but before i go and as i know that death is part of life and the only thing that leaves this earth is the material, i would like to bid farewell to two individuals, whose journey has begun somewhere else, although, without their loved ones, with rest, peace and memory: felix and yana... x

a brand new narrative

you and me and no one else

conceived and written by stav B

recorded by doug haywood

it's about love, clarity and gender diversity...

my heart in pieces

and the melancholy sweet...

springen aequinoctium 2012

march 21. wednesday. 14:41pm london, uk time... the sun is in aries/ spring equinox and i am starting again and again as every day... action...


i can hear birds from the open window and a distant motorbike zipping away... the air is warm and the sun is shining and yes, i can see some blue... lots of it!


i am back, with bubbling feelings and elevated thoughts after a mild winter, a horrid cold, a lot of running around, plenty of change and upheaval, a great deal of identity resuming, personality deconstructing, realisations achieving and doors opening and shutting, heart opening, love blossoming, mind sharpening and soul advancing! phew! super busy, or what? in and out and still at it... of course!


since my last post, i have changed locations, jobs, art thinkings, friend losings and gainings, new way of seeing/ believing/ projecting/ expecting/ creating/ constructing life and its episodes, some silly, other terrible, but mostly good, acquiring new strengths, ideas, solution findings (and very quickly) and living la vita loca, all mine with the most intense and pushing challenging i have ever experienced and put in practice (either by self will or by circumstance) ever before! again, phew! but i am still here, breathing and continuously letting go of the debris, pulling and pushing my energy and of the ones i am interested in...


i am learning a lot, thrusting my boundaries, by putting myself through a constant rollercoaster, again, either by circumstance, or by sheer sabotaging and self testing; i get so easily bored and even more so, as of late, situations, which i found so essential and juicy before, have withered into oblivion and indifference and goodness, are/ have always been so so boring, not essential and not juicy, but important to experience, so that i can get closer to my purpose; frogs and prince, get it?


layers and layers of onion peels from my essence are continuing to unravel, discard and replenish from the debris to the delights, from the unnecessary to the important, reaching my life zenith day in day out, brings me closer to my material death and my spiritual maturity... yet, life is sweet and amazing and one more time, i am having a ball with all these lessons, trials and tribulations and the fun they all bring, when i finally allow myself to relax and enjoy the exploring within the sexy interlude...


new blood, energy, way of thinking, loving and exchanging have entered my wonderful life in the shape of people and ideas! i am very lucky indeed, but mostly smart, for eliminating quickly and recycling immediately... 


work: the liquor bar is continuing with a delicious diversity, more careful planning and variety: headed letters and updated business cards; accountants and spreadsheets and company numbers and a lot of events in different places, for different reasons, as well as other invitations... look at my other blog to get the idea; apopuplife.blogspot.com... shaping up nicely, with more stock, a good and loyal team and a lot of concept and hard work... with passion and energy...


clubs: queen Bees is still buzzing around from flower to flower causing some kind of stir, within the theme, the sound, the photograph...

The T club: it is my new venture, an avant garde club night for transgenders, genderqueers and all in between, is launching tomorrow night at london's dalston superstore, a haunt we all love and it's cool and busy and like me, is supporting gender diversity... check the facebook group to find out all about it and why it begun... and how...

art/ performance: performing again in may, has extended my already new found inspiration and the ongoing quest for identity, via claustrophobia and narcissism, is developing into a new video performance by the sea: fellini style... watch this space...

art/ photographs: part of clifford chance transatlantic show again this june, i am taking photos of a subject doing sport; of course, i shall narrate it in my signature sensual and erotic manner, but concentrating on activity, will be an interesting point of reference indeed...


the Platform: is back, the 5th april and is incorporated with the liquor bar; cocktails, performances, screenings, what a perfect combo for a different kind of entertainment; not anal and not drunken...


love: hmmm... is this why i am here for? to write about it? after thinking it and finally deciding to feel it, after almost forgetting it and/ or covering it wth plenty of activity, privacy, disappeance within the relentless socialising, well, almost, getting there, gulp, yet another experience, episode, layer dot dot dot


well, this one is tricky and seriously enjoyable and potentially dangerous and serious and massive and finally substantial... what i was always craving and not knowing? again, the frogs/ prince syndrom emerges...


this is a mental affair(for now) with plenty of friendship and galore of innuendi, based on sexual attraction, tradition, conditioning, expectation and projections, pain and hurt, elements, which, each day i uncreate and destroy, for purity and peace


there are a lot of things in common, regarding ideas, creativity and style and past habits(the young ones), vulnerability, although i am the brutal one, honesty, although i am the aggressive one, chemistry, admiration and care, which i am embracing with lots of understanding and communication... help and carmic duties...


sounds ideal and a dream? perhaps, to any reader, who doesn't know the most important detail, which frankly is diminishing into some kind of petty detail and i hope(not really, but yes), i don't fall hopelessly in love and crash everything i have stood for, all my life and reconstruct the lot with furtive hunger and enthusiasm, all in aid of an individual, gorgeous, insecure, talented, set in their ways and into transition... in life, mind and heart and not gender, just to clear this one out now, for more clarity and not a problem...


do i make sense? perhaps and at the moment, this is the best i can do and of course it is not enough... my head if full of thought and fantasy, warmth and safety and i look forward to the following encounter, where a sudden appearance, full of joy, leads to arms tightly and with no hesitation...
and i hope it is not just a crush, an infatuation, to fizz out, when i have finally mastered my pursue... naturally, i sabotage everything here, because i am a selfish artist, in need to feel strong emotions to feed her art, ignoring her own heart... but it is not as simple as that anymore... my own tried and tested methods are fraying successfully and i have begun to be a woman/ person, contrary to woman/ artist again and not only via my art... this is real... i feel it every day, many moments...


and after, arguing, demanding, ruining, wishing to lose and let go, i have failed and so, i have decided to change the record and play a different tune, perhaps in my ears out of sync, but truly, it is within a great deal of harmony and connection... and as i relax and enjoy the exploration, the layers of my heart are opening and within it, all my senses and i have started to smell again, hear again, see again and live again, right here, right now and who cares for how long?


i have no issues of possession and mistrust, jealousy and dominance, i am calm, i am clear, i am excited, excitable and above all, i am available!


closing doors, which deserve to remain closed, letting go of people and situations, which won't teach me or make me grow and look after me, has given space to the beauty i am currently experiencing; more freedom and definitely a good future investment for memory and adventure... play it safe: pointless; delve into it: not just yet; pulling and pushing, back and forth: at the moment, crucial...


i am dancing and continuously and i don't need my shoes... 

the old thoughts bring the new ones...

january has been and gone, my birthday has been and gone and i am officially eight and in total awareness of who my friends are, who really loves me, who trully cares for me and who... doesn't!


and i am blessed with good folk around me, full of objective and pure, generous givings without conditions and erratic and mental behavioural patterns, projectile and mean...


free from the debris at last and trying not to fill myself again with others' traumas, issues and whatever fucked up feelings they harbour for me! phew! lessons learned and glad these situations showed their true colours, something that i was completely aware of, from the very beginning, but gave them a chance nonetheless and because of beyond my control, at the time, circumstances...


as i said/ wrote/ insinuated/ screamed about/ drawn and performed, my instincts are always correct and they never fail me, but it's ok to challenge them sometimes for the ultimate confirmation...


so, the new year has begun quietly and with a silent bang, which is continually escalating to more activity; socially, artistically, professionally.


onwards and upwards and with no time with too much analysis, especially with the irrelevant stuff, i break patterns, keeping alert and awake and sharp minded and remain super active with work, job, projects, events and... love matters!


titilating, juicy, stimulating, pleasant and smile inducing...
sexy
intelligent
admirable
different
and beautiful!


a surprise...
of course i shall continue...

mantra

Now a Mantra for your everyday use: 


Circumstances don't MATTER. Only my State Of Being MATTERS. 
What State Of Being do I prefer to be. (Bashar). Enjoy x
Hi Stav lol I've never been called an Angel before. I'll now include you in my motivational text outs. 
Think about this: You are joy, looking for a way to express. It's not just that your purpose is joy, it is that you are joy. 
You are love and joy and freedom and clarity expressing. 
Energy—frolicking and eager—that's who you are. And so, if you're always reaching for alignment with that, you're always on your path, and your path will take you into all kinds of places. 
We will not deny that you will not discover miracles and create benefits and be involved in creation, and that you will not uplift humanity—we will not say that you will not find satisfaction in so many things that you create, but we can't get away from the acknowledgment that you are Pure Positive Energy that translates into the human emotion of joy. 
Love Gary x

angels

i met gary and sharon at a bar i was managing nearly three years ago. i noticed them, as i notice all my customers, especially the interesting, stylish, eccentric ones, the ones who stand out in the crowd with their individual air and grace, privacy and integrity and behaviour and drinking habits. it was always a bottle of red wine and cappuccino for sharon...
we talked, we connected...


gary and sharon are the third couple from a different generation, but still alternative and modern; old souls, which have noticed me, recognised me, embraced me and encouraged me... i give thanks and in chronological order to barbara and douglas; kate and robert and sharon and gary; my fellow angels!


or shall i say we recognised each other?


all sharing similar traits: love and second chances (except g & s, who have loved and been with one another forever); style; art; business; work; imagination; passion; fun; generosity of spirit and spirituality; intuition; care; flexibility; understanding; a laisser faire laisser passe attitude to life and lots of red wine!


the texts below were received on christmas morning and the second day in the new year respectively and i have read them over and over, recognising what i already know and getting it into my head, that is how it is going to be... and realising, that i have guidance, so subtle, yet precious, i cannot believe my fortune...


i simply had to share and i hope this reaches the right minds , or the ones with a willingness to open wide all the layers...


bliss and gratitude... 


'Morning Stav how r u? Merry Christmas. 4 u: When you reach for the thought that feels better, the Universe is now responding differently to you because of that effort. And so, the things that follow you get better and better, too. So it gets easier to reach for the thought that feels better, because you are on ever-increasing, improving platforms that feel better. Say to yourself, 'Day by day, in everyway, I grow better and better'. Be passionate about your passion. Enjoy. Have fun. Love. Gary & Sharon x'


'Hi Stav this is 4 u 2 ponder on the second day of 2012. Take it with u into 2012: Expectation indicates the juncture between where you are and where you want to be. Where you want to be is your desire, and where you are is your Set-point or habit of thought. And, somewhere in there, is what we would call expectation. Expectation, whether it is wanted or unwanted, is a powerful point of attraction. Your expectation is always what you believe. But the word expectation does imply more what you are wanting than what you are not wanting. It is a more positive word than it is a negative word. But of course, you could expect negatively—and whatever you expect, you will get! HAPPY NEW YEAR. With Gratitude & Grace. Love Gary & Sharon x'


'Think about this: You are joy, looking for a way to express. It's not just that your purpose is joy, it is that you are joy. You are love and joy and freedom and clarity expressing. Energy—frolicking and eager—that's who you are. And so, if you're always reaching for alignment with that, you're always on your path, and your path will take you into all kinds of places. We will not deny that you will not discover miracles and create benefits and be involved in creation, and that you will not uplift humanity—we will not say that you will not find satisfaction in so many things that you create, but we can't get away from the acknowledgment that you are Pure Positive Energy that translates into the human emotion of joy. Love Gary x'


'Now a Mantra for your everyday use: Circumstances don't MATTER. Only my State Of Being MATTERS. What State Of Being do I prefer to be. (Bashar).'

reviewing, beginning, continuing...

london in the south east area... monday 2 january 2012... 5:10am


HAPPY NEW YEAR world and people!


i went out last night... to perform my ritual... bass and dirty tunage among non coordinated, extra happy and drained/ fresh folk to welcome the new year!


i went out late, because i am a vegetarian vampire, who comes alive after dark, plus i had been working the night before (nye) and went to a party afterwards, which ended, at least for me, at noon the next day (nyd)... so i needed to sleep, eat and feel more 'human', before even considering showering and getting ready; working it, still and for how long? for as long is a piece of string... so to speak...


i had fun and a good dance with my friends and it was good to see other peeps, kiss them, hug them, wish them and vice versa...


there were a lot of them missing, at least by the time i got there, which was ok, as it did not repeat history too much... there were no tears, just smiling and dancing, which is what a good party is all about and i suddenly had a whoosh of some kind of epiphany and announced to one of my friends: ' i want a girlfriend this year '... it just came out of my mouth and this is neither how i envisage stuff, not mention the word 'girlfriend' (i prefer lover or partner), but it just came out of my mouth and we both smiled!


this is another year full of infinite possibilities and i can feel it more strongly, without just putting it down to the excitement and anticipation that the new year brings... i feel stuff and perhaps i can see stuff too, positive and correct, taking place and manifesting... but i shall say no more, as the mystery/ protection/ humility is more important than the broadcast, plus the ears which might be listening, could be the wrong ones...


i had a quiet christmas, looking after two friends' flat and their cat: an adorable 5 month tabby, super cuddly and soft and good natured... by no means, he was replacing trixie, but, since this was my first xmas without her, he was a great company, filling a small gap...
i was alone, as almost every year, with no concern for the outside world (getting ready, driving somewhere, alarm always on)... i slept long hours, which is what i mostly need in times such as these, bought and cooked my own meal, watched films and bonded with the cat... i answered a lot of well wished texts and messages and continued my process of elimination with someone new, but wrong at this time and vice versa...


i wept very little and because of a film...


as the year has begun; i am busy (i have been busy for so long...) with a lot of work, a new project and sorting out practical matters, very essential for my mental health, independence and security and above all, a private life...


i am grateful for my life and all it entails, but i am also allowed and i owe it to myself to change things for the better for me... all part of the process and a matter of very little time... so exciting!

i have not really made any particular resolutions; exersice more, read more, love more still continue, as well as including some more physical travelling and a few tweaks and check ups, but i would like to move on from harmful or potential, situations faster than i have done so far, with more brutality and less obsession, simply because it is not worth my time and my time is precious... and my energy, abundant, yet priceless and important...


yes to chances and opportunities, but definitely no to sadness and anxiety and justifying it by ifs and whens; no more saving and explaining stuff for others' sake... what is the point? 


yes to help, support, advice (when asked) and understanding and yes to love, but no to manipulation, rudeness and projected fears... again, what is the point?


my heart is solid and is filling up... i am calm, cool and collected and totally looking forward to what 2012 will bring and i know what i want from this year... and my intensity? paramount and apparent everytime, more and more to someone's peril, but to another's delight... every year, month, day, minute, second, moment, i come closer to my purpose... big stuff, so it makes great sense and at least to me, to eliminate, clean up and prepare for the blossom, with as much purity and truth and consistency... of course it'll get messy, dirty, silly, scary and it is my duty to deal and sort... and i shall...


keep it real and make it happen... one little trick is that, i'll have to want it and i'll have to allow it...


as before, so below


out with the old, in with the new; open heart, alert mind, willing body... and the soul: intact!


2 0 1 2 = 5... get it? 


thank you for everything up to now and beyond... x