blessings in disguise

i'll explain... as more time has come...

everything happens for a reason and as it should, i keep saying, writing, preaching, lecturing, pinpointing, insisting, believing in and share with others and of course and as i have said before, it all starts from the self, which translates in simple language for the lazy folk, that a. i practice it for myself and b. there is nothing to worry about, because the universe provides, providing of course, we are alert, positive, strong, intelligent, compassionate and humble enough to allow what it throws us, understand it and create wonders out of it/ them, as much as we can/ want/ desire...

phew... that was a big sentence, like my extensive breath and now, as i'm writing this, i'm letting a big one out... breath, that is!

it's been fourteen days since my last post and i'm back with, yet again, different, fresher, stronger and hopefully more upbeat attitude to episodes and circumstances and life, in general... till it changes again, as the only constant thing in our lives is change and if we don't know this by now, we better get a grip soon, because this is not going to change...!

wow!

it is friday night. 21:48 pm
i'm writing in bed, after supper, a bath and some photo uploading via answering messages and inviting new peeps to join my
groups. this is the second night whereas i have turned my back to my social responsibilities: two private views, an informal birthday gathering and / or a local pub gathering and a club night... oh well... as above, there is a reason for it and i'm running low on hairspray! (i'm sure some of you out there, understand my concern)

it has snowed today and it is a bit white, but not enough to seize modern progress...

but let me go back a bit...since my last harsh, reflective and explanatory post, i emptied my heart from unnecessary anxiety and emotional debris, i naturally did not need.
as i have mentioned before, clearing, finalising, completing and making room for new, different, rewarding, substantial stuff...
as i have mentioned before, i am not in love and i know myself very well, as well as my life, which of course, makes the detachment and final separation easier and cleaner and the path for/ of moving forward less ambiguous.

i was free/ am free again and able to explore my possibilities and abilities and decide upon the shape i want my life/ living/ creativity/ style to take from now on

down to business, which frankly is much juicier than trying to understand (and nothing to understand) weak and idiotic situations, plainly boring and painfully predictable, too! ouch, but true!

(just to reiterate: these are my projections, my responsibilities and my modes of action)

anyway...

i got on with it, feeling better and better every day, thinking less and less, ranting less and less, with no dreams attached to cloud my perception; perfect! on the right path!

one down and out!

on friday 10 december i performed live in front of a very clever, fun and attentive audience 'sugar mary'; the piece about my mother; no fire spitting (people's home and the risk too high; i disagree, but totally respect), but eight white side plates were smashed to pieces on the wooden floor, in front of spectators semi trying to protect themselves amd some apt syrtaki was stepped out with pounding heart.
i was nervous, which is always a good sign and terribly excited to put myself on stage again and create a live visual spectacle. i felt alive and exhausted at the same time and i want to do it again and again, again...

new and known discovery...

on saturday 11 december, i spinned some records at my usual, once a month regular joint and i was joined by two friends, cheered and kissed and offered lush offers, which have proved to be very very drunken (non sexual) so far, for that merriness to be interrupted by a car crash, which a bunch of boys involved me in with their honda!
achilleas' back passenger door is smashed in and the wing damaged; the door does not close properly. i was hit so badly, that the car spun, thrown a good few centimetres away from the other car and finally seized by facing the shop windows.
i was indicating to park in a bay, so that we can get some food before deciding on yes or no to the joiners (gay, fun, decadent dive we all love to hate)
he didn't slow down...

it took me three days to feel normal again; my arm hurt and i had a bruise on my leg; one friend had a pain on her rib and the other friend ended up in hospital with concussion... grrr...
memories of my very very old accident in my mini came flooding back, the smashing sound, the man bellowing to hide his guilt, the damage...
i cried on sunday; shocked and upset and so sorry for me and my car (i get attached to them and i couldn't bear to see the crinkled door)
i got myself together though and joined a christmas gathering, where the laughter was sometimes pearcing and occasionally, i felt the tears rolling down my eyes, but stopped it and i ate cheese and crackers and warm mince pies and critisized an awful tv program, everyone is obsessed about and cracked a joke and entered a dialogue and my heart sank...

why? why me? why now? blast...

and again, everything happens for a reason and as it should, despite the brutality: the car is becoming very costly/ petrol, parts (i drive a rover, which are not manufactured anymore; go figure)
i have got a fully comp insurance, which costs me a fortune every month
it was not my fault
a car is a car and the time has come to get another...
and most importantly: WE ARE ALL ALIVE AND WELL!

two down and almost out!

moving on now, moving fast, detach, learn, act...

i want the slammer east (at the time, as well, now, permanently), so i'm looking for places, talking to some people, exchanging/ sharing ideas with a friend or two...

similar fate to queen Bees from brixton to hackney...

it feels good, it feels right and i'm working on it and after yesterday's very low emotionally and physically exhausting day, which involved a lot of sleep, some weeping, a small panic and a very very long conversation with a new friend, who utterly believes in me and my abilities, almost as much as me, i have once again, turned it around in positive abundance and proactive thinking and doing.

i'll say no more of this till things and events and dates get materialised... i have written about it as an example of my challenging transition and how i never get bored or apathetic; it's just that now, i want certain things to run smoother, so that i can get on with other challenges... wow!

it's a subtle and direct at the same time preparation for the end of a year and the beginning of the other.
it's a sociological observation i place upon myself to see whether i have changed, where, how, have i mellowed, toned it down and what have i learned so far? i'm excited again and i'm ready!

my heart is bare once more, ready for new garments
i have love, because i am love
i move on and up every moment, stronger, taller (no other choice)

courage wolf says: it's better to die standing up, than die on your knees and
life is tough. that is because 'god' is jealous of your progress

as for me, i'll grow a beard and rip it right off!

i keep it real
i keep it simple
i turn it around
i do it!

snap! and let the ritual begin...

'i'm an obsessively, obsessed, obsessing lovist...
words, once so clear, disappear...' (extract from my piece 'let's be... not'. june 2007)

instincts

have never failed me so far
and i always trust them

and i had my doubts from the start, but kept it at the back of my head, slowly ignoring them
but they were there

and some boxes were not ticked, but i gave them a chance

and slowly i opened
i trusted
i understood
i shared
i gave...

... all part of the process

and since i'm never desperate, or needy
or i won't be taken for a fool
and i won't be second best, an option, a whatever
and i only trust once and from the facts, i feel betrayed twice
and i don't care if i'm wrong, or right, or overreacting
this is how i feel
and there is no negotiation
but total destruction
and a clear cut, bloodless, final
and the door shutting firmly and for good
and hopefuly, there is no regret, but hardly, considering the way i feel this particular moment

i love you, but i love me more, as a say and not a fact, as my love is seriously expensive and you could never afford it
and i couldn't give a toss if i sound arrogant, crazy, dramatic, dangerous; at least, i have got the goods to back it up and i'm not full of shit and empty and messed up, a predator, a player and most likely a liar!

i am angry, livid in fact, but mostly at myself; where did i let it slip? what point did i miss?
painfully disappointed
brutally protective over my being, the safety of my heart, that i will ruin everything without a second thought and forever forget, as it's not worth my time, energy, self...

all these words, the suited ones were for nothing ?
all this time was simply a waste ?

i am sick and tired of mentoring and preparing people exercising their good qualities on others, unlikely deserving and damping me with all their shit, traumas, baggage, issues, secrets, because i can handle it, or because this is my social role; but i take a lot of responsibility for that, also, although i will never change my heart, because the world is full of stupid and boring people, who are also cowards! disgusting, unacceptable, ridiculous!!

i am sick and tired of people i believe in, like, begin to let in shower me with vacant compliments, which they could never follow through: the hair and appearance, the personae, the character, the art, blah, blah, blah... leave me alone, if you are incapable of looking inside my heart and give me the respect that i deserve, or perhaps i don't deserve any? who knows? who cares? what is the point? what is it all about? why?

well, I CARE! and i'm no victim and i'm not perfect, nor that i wish to be, but i'm a good person and since my culling methods are faster and more efficient now, due to the recent circumstances, i'm left with no choice, but to kiss this, admittedly, very strong connection goodbye!
i'll make sure that it'll be easy, as i'm not in love/ a friend and everything has been so brief, anyway...

it is slightly painful for now, but tomorrow there is another day and i have work to do!

i don't want to hear any words anymore, i demand actions, so i'm acting first: i'm out! i'm free! and i'm incredibly sad...

oh well...
stav can take it, right?

ps i need to reiterate some stuff, as very important points:

i don't know why i am so against the whole shebang, which is really totally predictable and ugly, i can see the outcome clearly unravelling in front of my eyes, but it doesn't sit right with me, so i'm reacting accordingly; i'm sure it'll all make sense in due time (apart from the fact that i have been taken for a ride in the name of connection and the belonging in some social circle?, which needs to be earned anyway)
i had a very long and interesting conversation, prior to the bang of stupid news, which i suspected anyway, but after a dialogue with a couple of friends, i perhaps decided to ignore, which i thoroughly enjoyed and whatever i said, i meant, but things change all the time, as well as my next move, necessary and for pure survival
writing these journals with passion and furtive energy is indeed very cathartic for me and useful, but no clues are to be found in these writings, as they are polemic and abstract, i hold the key, the secret, the answers, everything else is indicative and only reveals a tiny tiny fraction of me
i smoked three cigarettes and i drank two glasses of red, because i felt like it and i could and i was furious and no one stopped me or cared; in fact, it was facilitated, but the most important thing, is that i spoke my mind solidly...

there is no imagination here, neither any illusions, as certain guilty, immature and plain stupid parties would conveniently refer to, to alleviate, well, their stupidity and pretend they are intelligent, when in real life they are boringly non complex, annoyingly superficial and infuriatingly passive and loose...

i don't want to speak of this again; the chapter was very little and not the main part of the story, but maybe i'm incorrect...
in time...

did i get it so totally wrong among the cheap seductive techniques, the innuendi, the tension, the relentless prose, the godamn connection? I DON'T THINK SO!

did i know it all along? YES, I DID!

but believing in the tiniest glimmer of hope and goodness in some people is sometimes and hopefully not always... futile...
most importantly, i have my space back and i stand taller...! the winner takes it ALL!

ice and fire

ice:

i am sceptical, non trusting, careful

fire:

i have the edge, the passion, the hope

and i want to dance...

... but not yet/ should wait/ stay put, pulled out/ detached... for a little while longer...

bubbles, bubbling bubbled

i am hot, blazing
i am cold, frosting

freezing, burning, feeling, closing, opening, thinking, yearning, refusing, controlling, allowing...

i like it, dislike it, hate it, love it, want it and don't...

so, here it goes: words suiting ( ); indeed...