but what is going on here? nothing? something? when? how? why? in order to:
to keep my mind agile? my mouth energised? my heart pumping? my body moving? my soul nourished? my imagination fertile? my logic exercised? my eyes peeled? my ears polished? my social skills activated? my principles challenged? my desires enticed? my frustrations exhaled? my needs oriented? my love felt? my words cut? my toughness elevated? my compassion defined? my spirit generated? my freedom highlighted? my intelligence undelined? my talents sharpened? my character grown? my reflections deepened? my thoughts extended? my lessons tought? my mentoring stretched? my patience tested? my tolerance pulled? my fears eradicated? my style revealed? my masks defined? my costume stripped? my essence taken? my being admired? possessed? controlled? finally loved?
sharp, acute, aware, awake, direct, expressive, intense, more and more and every day i am extending my distance from mediocrity and disappointment and absurd tedium
harder, tougher, higher, better, juicier, the blood is redder, as i loathe anaemia and plain lukewarm and predictable situations, reactions, activities...
the further i go, the more i see, comprehend, anticipate; the purer i become and my quest for... continues, with all its lingerings and painful endless black dots...
not yet, but staying put... for now and beyond, as i am on top of my... food for thought and/or food for this journal; i shall see, since nothing is yet clear and it is, or might be...
it is tuesday everywhere (although this post has been here since sunday and finally amended/ written today/ tuesday) with times and temperatures and moods changing and/ or remaining still... i have nursed a mild headache since yesterday and i've only just started to notice... it's bearable, but slightly, persistently irritating... i take no chemical remedy for it, stop thinking about it and finally goes away... usually...
i woke up early with a buckled heart and my name attached to it...
i am full of energy (despite the head) and have been active all morning... ordered the new cheese, the bread, the new olives (i am making hummous from them, too), directed the menu changes, decided on the new special cocktail.
getting excited again. re: the bar popping up again and staying open every friday from this coming one (i need and must do it for very self - explanatory reasons)
djing, preparing the new piece of work to be recorded, broadcasting the next queen Bees, preparing the slammer, re - introducing the Platform, all very good and dandy and highly achievable and i thoroughly enjoy conceiving, manifesting, finalising... however...
inside, i feel a bit muddled in between anger (dissipating), disappointment (withering), remorse, kindness, love and care... and still, like before, i'm trying to put my thoughts and feelings into some kind of understanding... alas...
post full moon in taurus, steady, sensual, stubborn, focused (my moon is in taurus, one would have thought that it is a comfortable placement... hmmm)
anyway, it is all very fluid and uncertain, via their certainty and somewhat beauty and perhaps and yet again i must keep still and collected and somehow, allow the circumstances take over
ok
sounds good and appropriate
the chapter has already begun, but do i know how to read it? perhaps i should change my ways of research and mental comprehension... get rid of the struggle between my set ways and the disassociation of it all
snippets of visual and lingual data should be silently welcomed, with the necessary response somewhere, somehow, sometimes... the agony of the competition (really?), the monstrous ego, the relentless protection... futile? purposeful? i shall see... meanwhile, i should enjoy the tiny and brief delicasies, as peace offerings and love tokens with noiseless enthusiasm... why not?
should need must shall simply do...
deep down, i can see a glimpse of challenge and i am (still) intrigued, till that changes again to the better and or worse...
for now,
i like it
eyes wide shut, heart on the sleeve for the ultimate task of...
i want it to remain a riddle for as long as possible, because... complexities are the key, apart from time and i want to feel alive all the time and properly...
there is a slight, yet lingering smell of skin oil in my surroundings, just came up...
ps the song above (60s bossa nova, i.e new tendencies) is shared
... and perhaps or maybe certainly be a bit more specific, so that i can understand better and i don't know if fully, what on earth is going on, scrambling through my heart layers, instead of my mind chambers
from the beginning and i am treading on semi dangerous ground here, but why not, since i push others (the ones i am interested in/ feel for) to do the same:
when some situation gets so difficult, but almost impossible to get out, because it's not time yet, i tend to find/ devise/ imagine other more ideal, lovely, healing ones to fall back on for some respite and breathing and that's it, as i'm fiercely loyal and will support my own causes/ circumstances/ stories till the very end, which and when i decide to put them under...
my research for information and distance reduced techniques led me to an image with a face and a name and i noticed...
that was it for a long time and i was oblivious to it
and then the face of the image appeared right in front of me one summer night, the name uttered in reality
and it felt really nice and strange and particular, almost as a sign
the face was warm and full of smiles and the person warmer, open and full of delightful curiosity; beautiful, too
i was fresh still after my odessian adventure, open wounded, flying somewhere else, so it was easy, but definitely noticeable
and as fate plays funny games and absolutely fundamental and with reason, the link was formed
gladly
call it connections (as i was constantly associating it with my antipodean destination), a breath of fresh air, lovely fun and generally different and so needed, i began to relish it...
...easily, freely, cooly, excitedly... accepting invitations (in a couple i didn't turn up), commentary, impressions, i could feel the open heart, so nice! and at last! in hindsight, this is when i could feel my chains loosening up, but i didn't recognise that till later...
and the instincts started kicking in and a bit of some relentless mental analysis and i could feel the energy, the enjoyable pressure, the newness of it all...
and i was poised: some of the boxes were not ticked, but i liked the overall package nonetheless and some kind of invisible force was nudging me to remain and i liked the little splashes of affection from the other side, via actuality and virtuality; as i wrote before: a breath of fresh air, and my goodness, i needed to breath, so very much!
and we carried on and on and it was / we were changing all the time... we declared friendship, which made it easier, manageable, interesting and of course free for full expression and opinion forming/ stating... plus, i was still very much full of my heavy and emotionally invested story, which i was still processing, so i could reach some kind of resolution, as time was running out and i had to decide for my own safety and future
we would talk (and still are) of love and hearts and art all put together in a pot, as they are all so well linked, especially, because we are artists (of life and the work) and other catastrophes and we'd enjoy each others' company with late night soup and talking endlessly in some uncomfortable chairs, unable to move... blurting, extracting, sharing continuously... connecting, between old souls, coming together from wherever, does it matter? i live for situations like that and that was my surprise...
good. nice. important. i am only interested in substantial, titilating, awakening, challenging bonds and this one is simply and in complication, one of those...
... and i could still feel the energy, strong, intense, which i didn't ignore as such, but had it at the back of my mind and kept it in check
and we carried on...
and my honesty was polished, my strictness, yet fairness was more apparent, i felt so totally free to express myself and my opinions on my stuff, her stuff, all sorts of stuff... and i saw myself being tough and pushing, because i could and i felt, yet again, totally inspired, plus i knew she wanted it and could handle it, although i have to remember to tone it down sometimes, somehow, without compromising my being and not crushing her too much... ouch...
and things were changing again... pure timing, some circumstance and it was high time and after i reached my natural point limit, to start finally letting go of 1. what was not working anymore, 2. unecessary anxiety, 3. non creative situations and 4. outworn stories... snap!
and it felt so good, as i mentioned in my previous posts, i felt lighter, calmer, cleaner... and i shared it and that felt right, too...
and i opened up more with slightly more detail and information, because i trust her and needed to let it out to her, for further understanding and realisation...
art and art talk and planning (photographs), love talk, heart talk, going out, endless converastions via diverse avenues and above all, a good, pure connection, which i suppose i want from all my relationships, which i consider important and with standing any factors subtly and/ or actually trying to challenge it, jeopardise it, pollute it...
this is an important relationship to me; it is based, i believe and feel, on love and deep care and trust and respect and i just wanted to say this right here and now, that when i am harsh, is only because i believe we can do better, i sincerely mean well, this person inspires my generosity and spirit
with a small dose of challenging and testing, because we are getting to know each other and i need to know what she is made for (do i have the right? she can do the same, if not already?)
needless to say, our friendship has provoked some kind of perverse/ innocent. undercurrent curiosity for quite a lot of reasons/ excuses/ pastime activity, which is something that didn't surprise me, as people are in need of constant stimulation, so they tend to get involved in other peoples' business for better or for worse, instead of reading a new book, watch a new film, or engage themselves in fruitfull discourse, concentrate on their affairs and pursue correctly and availably... alas...
for those who know me, although a public figure, i am intensely private and protect my business with tooth and nail, ready to lash at any busy bodies, as i also know and have experienced what is like...
so, i consciously became more protective and with a fair amount of throwing into the deep end, because i am not a mother and i don't wish to chew anyone's food.
gossip, predators, jealousy, antagonism, all there for the recognising and leaving and one can trust the other and hope for the best; also, if the connection is good, then there is nothing to worry about, is there? so, bring in the glitches and the tests...
which shifts me to the question, whether two people, who meet at a particular time in life and get connected well, get on, look good, understand, lick each others' wounds, test each other and generally having a swell time, should move (naturally/ obediently) to another level of their friendship and love? are they friends? have they ever been? in the first place? is it worth endangering something so precious, by adding other elements into it? is it natural? as a progress, i mean, which brings me to my question above, were they ever friends? ?????? question upon question and the facts are the same: boxes are not ticked, but gladly ignored, which is dangerous, because they can reappear again in due time; they are a lot of differences as well as similarities, which perhaps orient the whole thing and lastly, this one is too good to lose... is my dynamic, which is always so defined, a bit unclear?
something happened to trigger this train of thought into some kind of motion, in fact two things happened, but i supoose my best bet is to wait and see and be as brutally honest with my heart and self, as i am with her, because i cannot walk away from it and yes, of course i have thought about it, more than once, for sheer self preservation, but how could i? and totally opt to do the opposite of what is expected of me, as i love going against the grain and surprising others and myself...
relax (well, i can at least try) and watch my thoughts, instead of thinking them, a friend advised me recently and trust me, it's harder than it sounds to achieve, but it's well worth it...
... as well as instigating a new project, where i write down the first thought that comes to mind, when i wake up in the morning... i shall do this for two months and see where it leads me... although yesterday, i forgot, because i was so distracetd by a plethora of words and feelings gushing out on a live page
meanwhile, it feels ok that i cleansed a bit and clarified a little, so i can have some kind of perspective, but all far too blurry still...
even so, exciting stuff and all good really (especially, if it's true) in my thoughts, pure and simple...
ps i am slightly disappointed, because of idealism and high standards and i hope there is no crack/ negativity, because of it, so i shall see..
... for a bit and some time, as i believe it very important and it's another form of love, therefore i should include it more often than not in this love blog
facts:
friendship is essential friends should be there for one another, no matter what they should be able to talk to one another freely and honestly friends should be able to agree and disagree and express opinions the relationship should be based on love and understanding, maybe more than a love affair and love affairs should have the friendship element in them...
they are fundamentally love affairs, without the sex/ in love act/ emotion component lingering above it
all fine and dandy, it's all understood, stated and consistently applied and not retracting to the 'friendship', when the situation changes and/ or is blurred, between... love and friendship...
... but these are general/ literal rules of thumb...
i'll be back, must talk to my sister, who's actually my bestie and she knows me so well... i count her on one hand... big position... i'll be more coherent later and talk some more, but i wanted to take this out, now
it is 9:03am and i have had little sleep, after a very long and crucial conversation till 4:20am...
it is 11:58am, here in london, uk, my home and base for the last, almost twenty one years... somewhere else, is somewhere else and it's very irrelevant...
i am in my brockley (london's south east) kitchen, listening to passionate arias on BBC3 and chewing soft porridge with a pinch of sugar and cinnamon (my alternative when i'm out of jam); lady grey tea in my queen Bee mug (a birthday present last year from an ex colleague and now a friend)
it's grey outside, but dry; i can just see a plane ascending in the neverending skies... bon voyage and safe...
and another one... i can almost see some rays, struggling to appear, unlike my words, thoughts and feelings, which are not struggling at all, since every day is a new day, freeer, cleaner, better, more astounding...
i feel comfortable and warm and i am contemplating my day, after i finish writing, reading, correcting, amending, uploading...
yesterday was hard. putting the finishing touches on the canvas of my episode, was a tad annoying, frustrating, difficult and knowing me, being a control freak, wanted out as soon as... but, alas, time, timing, time in, time out, time will tell (as i wrote in my performance 'time and grace') and it always makes sense, in the end, at least for me, had to take its toll
and it did.
i djed last night (my residency for a year and a half now, in the se14's royal albert) and although, i was super organised, totally on time, earlier than, prepared and dressed up, as i usually do, something wasn't working... i realised i was upset and down and felt so lonely and isolated... and for what? i have bloody cooked, eaten, chewed, digested, this dish time and time again and frankly, i am hungry for different stuff, as eating the same food is monotonous and not very good for the health!
so,
i turned it around and made it dirtier, louder, more risque, in an environment, where all sorts of folk turn up, from the local residents, to the dancers of laban and the artists of goldsmith's... and drove some of them crazy and they cheered and danced and came up to me with bravos and asking for my card! (it usually happens, but last night, the set was mostly for me)
phew... apart from love, being the answer, music is the antidote... nice!
i got back to a clean and warm and peaceful home and just got into bed, with not too much thinking... well, i am thinking of something, rather yummy and new, which titilates my interest and perhaps, creates a small skipping beat, somewhere, why not?
back to today:
here is my letter:
Lover,
now, i know (for some time, but now definitely) and after all sorts of emotional rollercoasters, writings and talkings, time, distance, silence, ruthlessness, stupidity, fear, immaturity, beautiful moments and a general lack of will, for whatever reason and/ or excuse, that you are not my lover, nor that i ever wish you to be...
it was tried, badly or well, unimportant, but... it was ugly and beautiful and now, it's gone, gone, gone for better or for worse, i am not interested...
there is no blame, no reprisal, no hate, just sheer love and understanding and a very definite and plain ending to all this unecessary, now, camaraderie...
i feel no shame, no pain, no sorrow, anymore... been there, done that and as i mentioned before, i'm now bored and in need to feel different, more challenging, reciprocal, sexy, lovely, arty, concrete, beautiful stuff...
there is nothing more to say, write, feel... my life is wonderful, as it's always been and it is not my loss, you will not be witnessing its elements and developments
so, i'll make this letter short and sweet, as it is not a love letter, but a letter about love and i have work to do!
i sincerely wish you all the best and luck, of course, as you are going to need it...
yours, i was never
i am a Lover x
ps, thank you for the experiment, experience, inspiration and the snippets of love, you have allowed us to feel, somehow and sometimes.
... and making room for new, different, rewarding, substantial, REAL stuff... which are not based on fantasy, one - sidedness, excruciating and now pointless silence, cruelty, cowardice, bullshit and general waste... too good and too old for that and goodness, i deserve better, marvellous and dowright interesting situations, as i am now bored and sick and angry and i shall refuse to become resentful, but continue to love with integrity and passion, innocence and enthusiasm, as i'm victorious and worth it... THERE!
phew...
182 minus two days, i cannot wait to close the book, after completing the chapter, to put it away on the shelf in the library of my memory...
with kindness (although, i have been angry the last couple of days, but mainly at myself) with love (and i must stress, there is no regret there) with a small amount of sadness (wishing for the best) with ample understanding (isn't it how it all started in the first palce, apart from the chemical connection?)
for my readers, the aforementioned and/ or parties of interest and mainly myself:
no, i have not met anyone (or perhaps/ most likely there is some kind of catalyst and a good one, too; treating it respectfully and with patient distance and perhaps, beginning to yearn for...) i have not decided to alleviate my pain and sorrow and emotional starvation with 'meaningless sex and objectifying women' (quoted words, but very appropriate here; she is not that hopeless, after all, but she is) nothing amazing has happened to trigger that kind of decision, apart from me, my head, my heart, my body, my time/ timing, my way... and that is pretty amazing...
and apart from a splendid process, all for me to apply and comprehend and finally accept as the only way forward and since then, i have felt calmer, happier, lighter, cleaner, with no anxiety, worry, fear and general shackles to burden me!
phew... one more time...
i love her, however i don't want her i feel her, but i don't want to reach out to her i understand her, yet i don't want to offer any help and i wish her the best in all her battles... doing my very best...
'every morning i kiss the permanent message under my pillow', i wrote in my last performance piece and that message has now moved to my bedside table... with a kiss... images to remind me of moments on my screen have been replaced with other neutral, clean images loaded wth pleasantries, which i need... my hair is washed... my bed sheets freshened up...
i am not turning my back to challenge, i am just walking away from the nothing...
there was one favourite number on my favourites list; this list is now empty... Llittle Deeds, Small Beginnings... make a great deal of difference
i want nothing, expect nothing, waiting no more, keeping it real, keeping it simple; i have freed myself...
and i remain open to love, changes and consequences... more brave and more curious...
i am again excited... for... everything!
phew...
the performative piece is written avidly overnight, ready to record and lace with music and emotion and i shall write, not a love letter, but a letter about love and kiss it... goodbye...
ps the ring will always remain. pps we were just experimenting with each other, after all...
with a hearty slice of persian love cake made with pistachios, cardamon, nutmeg and is gluten/ dairy free and two forks... and a pot of tea... warm and soothing... only $4.50 from the green refectory on sydney road (115), somewhere far and so near...
... six days have seemed an eternity, but i needed to gather up, think, adapt... via work and social obligations...
so, i am back here, my yummy solace and catharsis for some light relief and exorcism, but no clear result...
i'll let it slide and enjoy it i'll analyse less i'll allow (myself) to feel more and i shall keep calm and carry on, burning up inside with some kind of insatiable desire which perhaps could derive from 1. either my own projections 2. other projections 3. sheer need 4. reactionary behaviour
nevertheless, it's quite enjoyable, in a very quiet and smooth manner with some bubbles underneath... bubbling...
shhhh...
i write in riddles, because it's fun and protective, but i know there is one or two out there almost and/ or totally getting it, but they will have to get the raw truth out of the horse's mouth, should they wish to... now and/ or later... or maybe... never... if there is such thing
the feelings are lingering, but totally bearable the sadness apparent in certain circumstances the silence/ secrecy/ discretion, especially amongst the general crowd, paramount the perpetual mystery, regarding, who? when? where? why? how? now what? is trickling continuously down the walls of my, MY life... let the wondering and wandering... wander, aimlessly, on purpose...
is it a true story? a fact? a fantasy? a figment of my imagination? or ours? a saga? a drama? a timed episode, waiting for its climax to explode? all of the above? none of the above?
madam B and her tricks; mind and heart; keeping it simple, keeping it real... oops that was a paradox and a contradiction, but word play on my expense has always been my forte...
i am an animal with a brain i make i break i crush i construct i soothe i lash i listen i speak i love i remember... everything, my love!
22:22 10/7 09:22 18/9
so far and so close, we live in the tiniest world ever, so immeasurably apart...
what am i to do?
i keep stiill i move i work i love... again and always, more and more... every difference of the day...
