the art of photo - taking

retro, nostalgia, romance, iconic pose

i shall write a letter to go with the images (imaginary or actual?)
the reader can decide...

dear___________,
dearest___________,
my darling___________,
my lovely____________,... etc...

images by rhiannon adam and emma oxley

trixie's toys...

... but she always goes for the dogs...

the brain shell

i am a leader, not a follower and i love my brain: helmets are hot and i can dress up, too (as posted on sj's new group 'i love my brain').

i was asked a question the other day about my top tips in cycling and i said in one breath:
helmet, visibility, individual style...

so, i bought a helmet on friday, on my way to town to get some stuff for qB and, because i was refusing to cycle without head protection till then, ever since my friend's accident, i walked into brixton cycles and after careful consideration and discussion and trying ons, i got one, with a good price, too.

i have been riding a brompton (black and silver) for nine years... before, i was on a blue racer with drop bars...

the london sky lately

sow and reap

it feels like sunday, but it's monday; end of bank holiday weekend, including the leopard queen Bees, which was fun and wild at times with a good bunch of most of us dressed up and working two days in a row, listening to reggae, dancehall, soul, funk and live music, interacting with different people and polishing my social behaviour, opening up more to the diversity of life; making money (again)...
i left the studio where i was photographed, feeling the late summer chill. lovely. a bit melancolic. terribly nostalgic.
i drove home, listening to hapsicord chamber music, anticipating a creative, interesting and rich (in everything) time, autumn, life, future ahead of me.

i dreamt again, art, chemicals (none taken), the person, whose absence is impossible to digest, whose love is impossible to ignore...

it was lovely, non planned and/ or expected, wonderfully received, meticulously stored in the vast section of my memory; i live with it, i do it...

busy week ahead full of projects and possibilities...

the moon is full and in pisces

This Full Moon in Pisces occurs at 1:05pm EST (5:05 pm GMT) Tuesday, August 24, 2010. This Full Moon is the culmination of those things started during the New Moon in Leo on August 9, which started a period of introspection and discovering not only our inner child but also how to make that inner child happy.
Since the Sun has just made its move into Virgo (opposite the moon in Pisces), we need to note that the discretionary power of Virgo will affect us during this Full Moon. Pisces is about seeing the bigger picture, and Virgo will help us to understand the details of this picture. However, it should also be noted that Mercury is still in retrograde in Virgo, which gives us additional power of introspection and re-examination of the details of our lives.
We are still feeling the energy of the Cardinal Grand Cross, too, which was activated on August 6 between Jupiter/Uranus (Aries); Pluto (Capricorn); the Moon (Cancer); and Saturn, Mars and Venus (Libra). Because all the aspects in a Grand Cross are considered difficult aspects (squares/oppositions), we will be feeling pulled in very different directions. Be sure to be attentive to your actions; you don’t want to try to accomplish everything at once and end up not accomplishing anything.

do you deserve...

... my love?

with your clumpsy manner? (so cute)
your rough skin? (i want to kiss it forever)
yout little tyre around the waist? (i want to wrap myself around it)
your huge hands? (which make me quiver upon your touch)
your nervous gaze? (i dive into your eyes relentlessly every time i see you)
your shyness? your fear? your amateur tricks? (every painful and/ or not moment with you is a joy, which i can't, nor i wish to, explain)

unshaved agitation i don't know the next thing that it is going to come out of your mouth; it might be good, it might be ridiculous, it might be nonsense (i am being very very leniant here), or what you are going to do; it might be nice/ beautiful, courageous, it might be mean/ silly/ plain stupid...

i don't care i don't care i don't care
i am chemically devoted to you... with no fear and no compromise, of course (but you know that already); it is a yes...

and remember, what you do, i can do better, but i choose to go against your grain, instead, much better challenge, not that i expect you to understand with that simple head of yours, that i shall offer more love, without being taken for a fool...

the art of life... contradictory and wonderful...

now, the other question is... do i deserve yours? as i said it before, i am saying it again: everything begins from the self and ends there too, so i might as well start first...

the sky has gushed...

... and poured heavily upon us to finally get rid of some heaviness and cleanse us all...

i'll be back... another busy, reflective, positive... weekend has completed another page on the calendar...

and it is still raining... a lot...

the sensual sense of smell

powerful, seductive, individual...
and these are some of mine, including my own...

i was wondering (and not only now, but for some time)...

where is my birthday card? the one with all these different messages written on it, by all the different colour pens?
where is my parcel?
my pressed lavender?
my sexy e mail, part 2?
my gold titanium chain?
all the words, the 'so much to tell you'?...

blah blah blah... i hope not...

the 154 is still lingering inside the card, under my pillow...

the weekend has just begun and we are alive...

the convalesce

three friends have been hospitalised this week, two of which are home already.
wishing T and z a speedy recovery and s to get home safe tomorrow, so that the remedial can continue...
sending love, positive vibrations and healing energies all the way to their bodies and souls from queen's square to hackney.

and a hug or two or more...

life

thursday has just begun. i'm sitting in the kitchen, writing on the table, munching gluten free chocolate stars on vanilla soya milk... i'm thinking, after running around today, trying to have the windscreen fixed (saturday, now), cycling (third day in a row), not smoking (third day in a row) and not having wine (third day in a row). it's a bit chilly; i've put the heating on to take the edge for a bit. is the weather turning? autumn/ spring? the sun is still shining (rather warm on my skin yesterday), but it has rained and it gets windy... i'm not ready yet, although i am preparing, organising, fixing, tidying, remembering, feeling, keeping clean, cool, calm and collected (although i shouted at the auto glass people)...
the silence continues... it's ok. the twentieth day of the month... simmering...

friday 13 was DJ day/ party time somewhere else... a friend is leaving the country, so i joined a gathering afterwards east. there was food for plants passing around and i certainly passed; recreation and style are my mottos and these have changed direction, gladly...
i found myself in a different environ on saturday night 14, where two hours became nine and i listened to a lot of ska, watching the skinheads and the rockabillies and the rastas dancing and mingling and necking down the beer... time warp, but nice...
on sunday 15, i was in bed with someone in my pyjamas, without the someone (skype) for about four hours and that brought back sweet memories; we chatted and then we met for pizza and some wine and another long chat on love, art, life... new found behaviour and mateship... that night, bad news on a good friend's rather nasty (she is alive and healing well and sleeping peacefully, as i'm writing this), bike accident (not her fault, but a car's, which hit her back wheel and knocked her on the floor unconscious for a bit, with thankfully no internal bleeding, but a big bash), brought the weekend to a shock and horror and fright and more compassion and more love (where is she, when i really need her?), of how temporal and selfish and stupid we all are with our futile fights and self indulgent experiments and i got distracted and pulled away from my trance, to be practical and useful, by making calls and offering help and support...
memories of other painful events (ie rosie's brain haemorrage, my own motorbike accident and the big sea, which keeps us apart), all came flooding in, to make me realise...
i coudn't sleep... yes, i dreamt again of (when i finally fell asleep)... and it was another lovely, prophetic, busy dream...
monday and tuesday became my visiting hospital days (a long and a short one), with tears (i could hardly contain them, so i let them out upon my exit), hugs, kisses, kind words, other people, more hugs, sadness for the incident, but sheer joy for the positive outcome, texts, calls, facebook messages, cards, lavender oil for the pressure points, pret - a - manger and e.a.t sandwitches, cakes and mousses, via watching the nurse testing with simple questions to make sure she was mentally alert and simple physical exercises, to make sure she was able to lift legs and squeeze hands... i was taking it all in, looking at the other patients, who were older and in seeemingly more severe situations than my friend and thought how lucky she has been. how a single blow could take away everything we have learnt and/ or worked hard for away, to start again from the basics... she is in pain, uncomfortable, but in a very strange way, i am glad that she feels the pain, instead of... hears the construction work that goes on downstairs and gets annoyed by it, instead of... she will be ok. and she will heal. and she will cycle again. and life will continue with all its beauties and bumps... time for loving, not fighting...
and i shall keep an eye on her wonderful partner, who's been a hero, a rock, patient and giving her hand, her time, her love with no complain, no panic, no distress... but i would like to offer her a cushion to lie on when the ordeal is over, so that she can rest...

we are all in this together and love is the answer, as we know that for sure...

i love you (if you are reading this, with no fear, hesitation and hopefully, less and less ego every day). be safe.

walk, cycle, drive, fly, travel safely everyone... we must meet again in this glorious rollercoaster, called LIFE!

love will bring us back together...

there is a song in this and most certainly a truth, too.

i shall return with more elaboration... today has been very testing and overwhelming and there is the dream, third of its kind the last two weeks, lovely and predicting, yet haunting me...

still...

all photos by emli bendixen. finsbury park 4 august 2010.

love, art, compassion, strength, performance, emotion, style, honesty...

i still feel...

thank you emli for the experience (i believe it has been fruitful for both of us). x

50 plus 3 (click on this for a trailer)

i have watched 53 films.
11 may - 11 august 2010
from Lo to Me to Lo again.

dreams alive and continuing despite the rem...

i fell asleep (again) with the light and my shirt on. hair down/ bracelettes off, thankfully. so tired. full of thought. busy day / night earlier. i watched the reader (by stephen daldry) and i sobbed and sobbed; what a story; love, tragedy, shame, books, voice, the holocaust, fear, the bleak present and future full of regrets and sorrow...
drove east. gallery space for the Platform. meeting in exmouth market; is my fate taking another turn? dinner at gourmet san. a great chinese. full. home. dreamt of... it was really vivid. almost true. the content didn't worry me. irrelevant, the moments, the face, the actions, though, were there, the dream carrying on, although i was going to wake up... i'm glad (still there), sad (still there), nap for reflection much later... art to be made, planned, proposed... life to be lived, love to be felt... SO SILENT...

new moon, new week

a weekend in a nutshell/ brief wordings (no sentence):

a glass of wine
a good conversation
a drive
a gathering
a dance or two
a plate of food
a couple of drinks/ rose wine
a bottle of water
a cigarette or two or more (actively reducing it, generally)
a laughter
a chat or two
a hug or two
a friendly kiss or two (no funny/ confusing business)
a silent moment or two or more
a photograph, more like 50+
a video or two for fun and memory
a sleep (finally as the day cracked)
a film or two (lovefilm.com)
another plate of food
a glass of water or two or more
a telephone call
a facebook chat
a skype chat
a piece of advice
a kind word
a strict word
a piece of mind
a big thought
a lingering, deep feeling
a massive faith
a big hope
a true love
an eye closed for sleep
a blood stain or two or more
a life...

point and purpose

it is four and six minutes in the morning (or one and six minutes in the afternoon of the next day) and i have just come back from being out... twat boutique, first thursday monthly at the not so new now, but still popular, dalston super store, on kingsland high street (i wonder why i write certain things in great detail... in the event of...; archive...).

yesterday was a low day, full of anxiety, tears, ambivalent panic and two good conversations with two good friends, who were willing to listen to my long monologue on love, unfairness and extreme sadness, which is more crippling that the distance/ problems/ the abiguity of it all... for now...

feeling sorry for oneself, self - indulging (too much time in the hands, primarily), were featured in my day, although i knew deep down, that the factors, which triggered the above reactings, were tactical and transparent... i thought i had paid my carmic dues; i have no problem with raising stakes and ultimate challenges, but, i need a blasted break! i need it, i want it, i deserve it... i hope (know)...

alas...

everything happens for a reason and as it should, i keep reminding myself and i know everything will be fine and dandy in the end and as i want it... but i've got to want it...
'i am the alive fantasist, the futile dreamer, the subconscious saboteur...', i wrote in one of my performances and i no longer surprise myself for blending life and art together, overlapping... i know, i perpetrate...

bad behaviour won't be excused, but it is certainly understood.
fear and stupidity, lead to meanness... big love leads to...

'i'm pushing you away', 'why don't you give it up','why are you bothering' (not this again) are cliches, which although piercing at first, become sweet tasks later, upon reflection... crazy one would think, sucker for punishment, but this is not the case: i love, i understand and perversely, i endure, i am not bored, i am not boring, i am not tired... not now, not yet...

own drumbeat, ahead of time, big heart, sharp brain, extreme resilience, self - testing and self - learning; for the ultimate realisation...

i said before and i'm saying again: something's cooking and it's good... faith, hope and love, patience and understanding to season...

moments vs days and i recall plenty... more and more...

i become more free every day... and the blood: flows and drips...

something sexy and intense

after a good shoot (thank you emli for the invitation and eye) and a heavy thunderous, glorious rain...