blessings in disguise

i'll explain... as more time has come...

everything happens for a reason and as it should, i keep saying, writing, preaching, lecturing, pinpointing, insisting, believing in and share with others and of course and as i have said before, it all starts from the self, which translates in simple language for the lazy folk, that a. i practice it for myself and b. there is nothing to worry about, because the universe provides, providing of course, we are alert, positive, strong, intelligent, compassionate and humble enough to allow what it throws us, understand it and create wonders out of it/ them, as much as we can/ want/ desire...

phew... that was a big sentence, like my extensive breath and now, as i'm writing this, i'm letting a big one out... breath, that is!

it's been fourteen days since my last post and i'm back with, yet again, different, fresher, stronger and hopefully more upbeat attitude to episodes and circumstances and life, in general... till it changes again, as the only constant thing in our lives is change and if we don't know this by now, we better get a grip soon, because this is not going to change...!

wow!

it is friday night. 21:48 pm
i'm writing in bed, after supper, a bath and some photo uploading via answering messages and inviting new peeps to join my
groups. this is the second night whereas i have turned my back to my social responsibilities: two private views, an informal birthday gathering and / or a local pub gathering and a club night... oh well... as above, there is a reason for it and i'm running low on hairspray! (i'm sure some of you out there, understand my concern)

it has snowed today and it is a bit white, but not enough to seize modern progress...

but let me go back a bit...since my last harsh, reflective and explanatory post, i emptied my heart from unnecessary anxiety and emotional debris, i naturally did not need.
as i have mentioned before, clearing, finalising, completing and making room for new, different, rewarding, substantial stuff...
as i have mentioned before, i am not in love and i know myself very well, as well as my life, which of course, makes the detachment and final separation easier and cleaner and the path for/ of moving forward less ambiguous.

i was free/ am free again and able to explore my possibilities and abilities and decide upon the shape i want my life/ living/ creativity/ style to take from now on

down to business, which frankly is much juicier than trying to understand (and nothing to understand) weak and idiotic situations, plainly boring and painfully predictable, too! ouch, but true!

(just to reiterate: these are my projections, my responsibilities and my modes of action)

anyway...

i got on with it, feeling better and better every day, thinking less and less, ranting less and less, with no dreams attached to cloud my perception; perfect! on the right path!

one down and out!

on friday 10 december i performed live in front of a very clever, fun and attentive audience 'sugar mary'; the piece about my mother; no fire spitting (people's home and the risk too high; i disagree, but totally respect), but eight white side plates were smashed to pieces on the wooden floor, in front of spectators semi trying to protect themselves amd some apt syrtaki was stepped out with pounding heart.
i was nervous, which is always a good sign and terribly excited to put myself on stage again and create a live visual spectacle. i felt alive and exhausted at the same time and i want to do it again and again, again...

new and known discovery...

on saturday 11 december, i spinned some records at my usual, once a month regular joint and i was joined by two friends, cheered and kissed and offered lush offers, which have proved to be very very drunken (non sexual) so far, for that merriness to be interrupted by a car crash, which a bunch of boys involved me in with their honda!
achilleas' back passenger door is smashed in and the wing damaged; the door does not close properly. i was hit so badly, that the car spun, thrown a good few centimetres away from the other car and finally seized by facing the shop windows.
i was indicating to park in a bay, so that we can get some food before deciding on yes or no to the joiners (gay, fun, decadent dive we all love to hate)
he didn't slow down...

it took me three days to feel normal again; my arm hurt and i had a bruise on my leg; one friend had a pain on her rib and the other friend ended up in hospital with concussion... grrr...
memories of my very very old accident in my mini came flooding back, the smashing sound, the man bellowing to hide his guilt, the damage...
i cried on sunday; shocked and upset and so sorry for me and my car (i get attached to them and i couldn't bear to see the crinkled door)
i got myself together though and joined a christmas gathering, where the laughter was sometimes pearcing and occasionally, i felt the tears rolling down my eyes, but stopped it and i ate cheese and crackers and warm mince pies and critisized an awful tv program, everyone is obsessed about and cracked a joke and entered a dialogue and my heart sank...

why? why me? why now? blast...

and again, everything happens for a reason and as it should, despite the brutality: the car is becoming very costly/ petrol, parts (i drive a rover, which are not manufactured anymore; go figure)
i have got a fully comp insurance, which costs me a fortune every month
it was not my fault
a car is a car and the time has come to get another...
and most importantly: WE ARE ALL ALIVE AND WELL!

two down and almost out!

moving on now, moving fast, detach, learn, act...

i want the slammer east (at the time, as well, now, permanently), so i'm looking for places, talking to some people, exchanging/ sharing ideas with a friend or two...

similar fate to queen Bees from brixton to hackney...

it feels good, it feels right and i'm working on it and after yesterday's very low emotionally and physically exhausting day, which involved a lot of sleep, some weeping, a small panic and a very very long conversation with a new friend, who utterly believes in me and my abilities, almost as much as me, i have once again, turned it around in positive abundance and proactive thinking and doing.

i'll say no more of this till things and events and dates get materialised... i have written about it as an example of my challenging transition and how i never get bored or apathetic; it's just that now, i want certain things to run smoother, so that i can get on with other challenges... wow!

it's a subtle and direct at the same time preparation for the end of a year and the beginning of the other.
it's a sociological observation i place upon myself to see whether i have changed, where, how, have i mellowed, toned it down and what have i learned so far? i'm excited again and i'm ready!

my heart is bare once more, ready for new garments
i have love, because i am love
i move on and up every moment, stronger, taller (no other choice)

courage wolf says: it's better to die standing up, than die on your knees and
life is tough. that is because 'god' is jealous of your progress

as for me, i'll grow a beard and rip it right off!

i keep it real
i keep it simple
i turn it around
i do it!

snap! and let the ritual begin...

'i'm an obsessively, obsessed, obsessing lovist...
words, once so clear, disappear...' (extract from my piece 'let's be... not'. june 2007)

instincts

have never failed me so far
and i always trust them

and i had my doubts from the start, but kept it at the back of my head, slowly ignoring them
but they were there

and some boxes were not ticked, but i gave them a chance

and slowly i opened
i trusted
i understood
i shared
i gave...

... all part of the process

and since i'm never desperate, or needy
or i won't be taken for a fool
and i won't be second best, an option, a whatever
and i only trust once and from the facts, i feel betrayed twice
and i don't care if i'm wrong, or right, or overreacting
this is how i feel
and there is no negotiation
but total destruction
and a clear cut, bloodless, final
and the door shutting firmly and for good
and hopefuly, there is no regret, but hardly, considering the way i feel this particular moment

i love you, but i love me more, as a say and not a fact, as my love is seriously expensive and you could never afford it
and i couldn't give a toss if i sound arrogant, crazy, dramatic, dangerous; at least, i have got the goods to back it up and i'm not full of shit and empty and messed up, a predator, a player and most likely a liar!

i am angry, livid in fact, but mostly at myself; where did i let it slip? what point did i miss?
painfully disappointed
brutally protective over my being, the safety of my heart, that i will ruin everything without a second thought and forever forget, as it's not worth my time, energy, self...

all these words, the suited ones were for nothing ?
all this time was simply a waste ?

i am sick and tired of mentoring and preparing people exercising their good qualities on others, unlikely deserving and damping me with all their shit, traumas, baggage, issues, secrets, because i can handle it, or because this is my social role; but i take a lot of responsibility for that, also, although i will never change my heart, because the world is full of stupid and boring people, who are also cowards! disgusting, unacceptable, ridiculous!!

i am sick and tired of people i believe in, like, begin to let in shower me with vacant compliments, which they could never follow through: the hair and appearance, the personae, the character, the art, blah, blah, blah... leave me alone, if you are incapable of looking inside my heart and give me the respect that i deserve, or perhaps i don't deserve any? who knows? who cares? what is the point? what is it all about? why?

well, I CARE! and i'm no victim and i'm not perfect, nor that i wish to be, but i'm a good person and since my culling methods are faster and more efficient now, due to the recent circumstances, i'm left with no choice, but to kiss this, admittedly, very strong connection goodbye!
i'll make sure that it'll be easy, as i'm not in love/ a friend and everything has been so brief, anyway...

it is slightly painful for now, but tomorrow there is another day and i have work to do!

i don't want to hear any words anymore, i demand actions, so i'm acting first: i'm out! i'm free! and i'm incredibly sad...

oh well...
stav can take it, right?

ps i need to reiterate some stuff, as very important points:

i don't know why i am so against the whole shebang, which is really totally predictable and ugly, i can see the outcome clearly unravelling in front of my eyes, but it doesn't sit right with me, so i'm reacting accordingly; i'm sure it'll all make sense in due time (apart from the fact that i have been taken for a ride in the name of connection and the belonging in some social circle?, which needs to be earned anyway)
i had a very long and interesting conversation, prior to the bang of stupid news, which i suspected anyway, but after a dialogue with a couple of friends, i perhaps decided to ignore, which i thoroughly enjoyed and whatever i said, i meant, but things change all the time, as well as my next move, necessary and for pure survival
writing these journals with passion and furtive energy is indeed very cathartic for me and useful, but no clues are to be found in these writings, as they are polemic and abstract, i hold the key, the secret, the answers, everything else is indicative and only reveals a tiny tiny fraction of me
i smoked three cigarettes and i drank two glasses of red, because i felt like it and i could and i was furious and no one stopped me or cared; in fact, it was facilitated, but the most important thing, is that i spoke my mind solidly...

there is no imagination here, neither any illusions, as certain guilty, immature and plain stupid parties would conveniently refer to, to alleviate, well, their stupidity and pretend they are intelligent, when in real life they are boringly non complex, annoyingly superficial and infuriatingly passive and loose...

i don't want to speak of this again; the chapter was very little and not the main part of the story, but maybe i'm incorrect...
in time...

did i get it so totally wrong among the cheap seductive techniques, the innuendi, the tension, the relentless prose, the godamn connection? I DON'T THINK SO!

did i know it all along? YES, I DID!

but believing in the tiniest glimmer of hope and goodness in some people is sometimes and hopefully not always... futile...
most importantly, i have my space back and i stand taller...! the winner takes it ALL!

ice and fire

ice:

i am sceptical, non trusting, careful

fire:

i have the edge, the passion, the hope

and i want to dance...

... but not yet/ should wait/ stay put, pulled out/ detached... for a little while longer...

bubbles, bubbling bubbled

i am hot, blazing
i am cold, frosting

freezing, burning, feeling, closing, opening, thinking, yearning, refusing, controlling, allowing...

i like it, dislike it, hate it, love it, want it and don't...

so, here it goes: words suiting ( ); indeed...

spectacular

but what is going on here?
nothing?
something?
when? how? why? in order to:

to keep my mind agile?
my mouth energised?
my heart pumping?
my body moving?
my soul nourished?
my imagination fertile?
my logic exercised?
my eyes peeled?
my ears polished?
my social skills activated?
my principles challenged?
my desires enticed?
my frustrations exhaled?
my needs oriented?
my love felt?
my words cut?
my toughness elevated?
my compassion defined?
my spirit generated?
my freedom highlighted?
my intelligence undelined?
my talents sharpened?
my character grown?
my reflections deepened?
my thoughts extended?
my lessons tought?
my mentoring stretched?
my patience tested?
my tolerance pulled?
my fears eradicated?
my style revealed?
my masks defined?
my costume stripped?
my essence taken?
my being admired?
possessed?
controlled?
finally loved?

sharp, acute, aware, awake, direct, expressive, intense, more and more and every day i am extending my distance from mediocrity and disappointment and absurd tedium

harder, tougher, higher, better, juicier, the blood is redder, as i loathe anaemia and plain lukewarm and predictable situations, reactions, activities...

the further i go, the more i see, comprehend, anticipate; the purer i become and my quest for... continues, with all its lingerings and painful endless black dots...

not yet, but staying put... for now and beyond, as i am on top of my... food for thought and/or food for this journal; i shall see, since nothing is yet clear and it is, or might be...

new tendencies

it is tuesday everywhere (although this post has been here since sunday and finally amended/ written today/ tuesday) with times and temperatures and moods changing and/ or remaining still...
i have nursed a mild headache since yesterday and i've only just started to notice... it's bearable, but slightly, persistently irritating... i take no chemical remedy for it, stop thinking about it and finally goes away... usually...

i woke up early with a buckled heart and my name attached to it...

i am full of energy (despite the head) and have been active all morning... ordered the new cheese, the bread, the new olives (i am making hummous from them, too), directed the menu changes, decided on the new special cocktail.

getting excited again. re: the bar popping up again and staying open every friday from this coming one (i need and must do it for very self - explanatory reasons)

djing, preparing the new piece of work to be recorded, broadcasting the next queen Bees, preparing the slammer, re - introducing the Platform, all very good and dandy and highly achievable and i thoroughly enjoy conceiving, manifesting, finalising... however...

inside, i feel a bit muddled in between anger (dissipating), disappointment (withering), remorse, kindness, love and care... and still, like before, i'm trying to put my thoughts and feelings into some kind of understanding... alas...

post full moon in taurus, steady, sensual, stubborn, focused (my moon is in taurus, one would have thought that it is a comfortable placement... hmmm)

anyway, it is all very fluid and uncertain, via their certainty and somewhat beauty and perhaps and yet again i must keep still and collected and somehow, allow the circumstances take over

ok

sounds good and appropriate

the chapter has already begun, but do i know how to read it? perhaps i should change my ways of research and mental comprehension... get rid of the struggle between my set ways and the disassociation of it all

snippets of visual and lingual data should be silently welcomed, with the necessary response somewhere, somehow, sometimes... the agony of the competition (really?), the monstrous ego, the relentless protection... futile? purposeful? i shall see... meanwhile, i should enjoy the tiny and brief delicasies, as peace offerings and love tokens with noiseless enthusiasm... why not?

should
need
must
shall
simply do...

deep down, i can see a glimpse of challenge and i am (still) intrigued, till that changes again to the better and or worse...

for now,

i like it

eyes wide shut, heart on the sleeve for the ultimate task of...

i want it to remain a riddle for as long as possible, because... complexities are the key, apart from time and i want to feel alive all the time and properly...

there is a slight, yet lingering smell of skin oil in my surroundings, just came up...

ps the song above (60s bossa nova, i.e new tendencies) is shared

let's talk about friendship part three...

where is it?

let's talk about friendship part two...

... and perhaps or maybe certainly be a bit more specific, so that i can understand better and i don't know if fully, what on earth is going on, scrambling through my heart layers, instead of my mind chambers

from the beginning and i am treading on semi dangerous ground here, but why not, since i push others (the ones i am interested in/ feel for) to do the same:

when some situation gets so difficult, but almost impossible to get out, because it's not time yet, i tend to find/ devise/ imagine other more ideal, lovely, healing ones to fall back on for some respite and breathing and that's it, as i'm fiercely loyal and will support my own causes/ circumstances/ stories till the very end, which and when i decide to put them under...

my research for information and distance reduced techniques led me to an image with a face and a name and i noticed...

that was it for a long time and i was oblivious to it

and then the face of the image appeared right in front of me one summer night, the name uttered in reality

and it felt really nice and strange and particular, almost as a sign

the face was warm and full of smiles and the person warmer, open and full of delightful curiosity; beautiful, too

i was fresh still after my odessian adventure, open wounded, flying somewhere else, so it was easy, but definitely noticeable

and as fate plays funny games and absolutely fundamental and with reason, the link was formed

gladly

call it connections (as i was constantly associating it with my antipodean destination), a breath of fresh air, lovely fun and generally different and so needed, i began to relish it...

...easily, freely, cooly, excitedly... accepting invitations (in a couple i didn't turn up), commentary, impressions, i could feel the open heart, so nice! and at last! in hindsight, this is when i could feel my chains loosening up, but i didn't recognise that till later...

and the instincts started kicking in and a bit of some relentless mental analysis and i could feel the energy, the enjoyable pressure, the newness of it all...

and i was poised: some of the boxes were not ticked, but i liked the overall package nonetheless and some kind of invisible force was nudging me to remain and i liked the little splashes of affection from the other side, via actuality and virtuality; as i wrote before: a breath of fresh air, and my goodness, i needed to breath, so very much!

and we carried on and on and it was / we were changing all the time... we declared friendship, which made it easier, manageable, interesting and of course free for full expression and opinion forming/ stating... plus, i was still very much full of my heavy and emotionally invested story, which i was still processing, so i could reach some kind of resolution, as time was running out and i had to decide for my own safety and future

we would talk (and still are) of love and hearts and art all put together in a pot, as they are all so well linked, especially, because we are artists (of life and the work) and other catastrophes and we'd enjoy each others' company with late night soup and talking endlessly in some uncomfortable chairs, unable to move... blurting, extracting, sharing continuously... connecting, between old souls, coming together from wherever, does it matter? i live for situations like that and that was my surprise...

good. nice. important. i am only interested in substantial, titilating, awakening, challenging bonds and this one is simply and in complication, one of those...

... and i could still feel the energy, strong, intense, which i didn't ignore as such, but had it at the back of my mind and kept it in check

and we carried on...

and my honesty was polished, my strictness, yet fairness was more apparent, i felt so totally free to express myself and my opinions on my stuff, her stuff, all sorts of stuff... and i saw myself being tough and pushing, because i could and i felt, yet again, totally inspired, plus i knew she wanted it and could handle it, although i have to remember to tone it down sometimes, somehow, without compromising my being and not crushing her too much... ouch...

and things were changing again... pure timing, some circumstance and it was high time and after i reached my natural point limit, to start finally letting go of 1. what was not working anymore, 2. unecessary anxiety, 3. non creative situations and 4. outworn stories... snap!

and it felt so good, as i mentioned in my previous posts, i felt lighter, calmer, cleaner... and i shared it and that felt right, too...

and i opened up more with slightly more detail and information, because i trust her and needed to let it out to her, for further understanding and realisation...

art and art talk and planning (photographs), love talk, heart talk, going out, endless converastions via diverse avenues and above all, a good, pure connection, which i suppose i want from all my relationships, which i consider important and with standing any factors subtly and/ or actually trying to challenge it, jeopardise it, pollute it...

this is an important relationship to me; it is based, i believe and feel, on love and deep care and trust and respect and i just wanted to say this right here and now, that when i am harsh, is only because i believe we can do better, i sincerely mean well, this person inspires my generosity and spirit

with a small dose of challenging and testing, because we are getting to know each other and i need to know what she is made for (do i have the right? she can do the same, if not already?)

needless to say, our friendship has provoked some kind of perverse/ innocent. undercurrent curiosity for quite a lot of reasons/ excuses/ pastime activity, which is something that didn't surprise me, as people are in need of constant stimulation, so they tend to get involved in other peoples' business for better or for worse, instead of reading a new book, watch a new film, or engage themselves in fruitfull discourse, concentrate on their affairs and pursue correctly and availably... alas...

for those who know me, although a public figure, i am intensely private and protect my business with tooth and nail, ready to lash at any busy bodies, as i also know and have experienced what is like...

so, i consciously became more protective and with a fair amount of throwing into the deep end, because i am not a mother and i don't wish to chew anyone's food.

gossip, predators, jealousy, antagonism, all there for the recognising and leaving and one can trust the other and hope for the best; also, if the connection is good, then there is nothing to worry about, is there? so, bring in the glitches and the tests...

which shifts me to the question, whether two people, who meet at a particular time in life and get connected well, get on, look good, understand, lick each others' wounds, test each other and generally having a swell time, should move (naturally/ obediently) to another level of their friendship and love?
are they friends?
have they ever been? in the first place?
is it worth endangering something so precious, by adding other elements into it?
is it natural? as a progress, i mean, which brings me to my question above, were they ever friends?
??????
question upon question and the facts are the same: boxes are not ticked, but gladly ignored, which is dangerous, because they can reappear again in due time; they are a lot of differences as well as similarities, which perhaps orient the whole thing and lastly, this one is too good to lose... is my dynamic, which is always so defined, a bit unclear?

something happened to trigger this train of thought into some kind of motion, in fact two things happened, but i supoose my best bet is to wait and see and be as brutally honest with my heart and self, as i am with her, because i cannot walk away from it and yes, of course i have thought about it, more than once, for sheer self preservation, but how could i? and totally opt to do the opposite of what is expected of me, as i love going against the grain and surprising others and myself...

relax (well, i can at least try) and watch my thoughts, instead of thinking them, a friend advised me recently and trust me, it's harder than it sounds to achieve, but it's well worth it...

... as well as instigating a new project, where i write down the first thought that comes to mind, when i wake up in the morning... i shall do this for two months and see where it leads me... although yesterday, i forgot, because i was so distracetd by a plethora of words and feelings gushing out on a live page

meanwhile, it feels ok that i cleansed a bit and clarified a little, so i can have some kind of perspective, but all far too blurry still...

even so, exciting stuff and all good really (especially, if it's true)
in my thoughts, pure and simple...

ps i am slightly disappointed, because of idealism and high standards and i hope there is no crack/ negativity, because of it, so i shall see..

let's talk about friendship...

... for a bit and some time, as i believe it very important and it's another form of love, therefore i should include it more often than not in this love blog

facts:

friendship is essential
friends should be there for one another, no matter what
they should be able to talk to one another freely and honestly
friends should be able to agree and disagree and express opinions
the relationship should be based on love and understanding, maybe more than a love affair and love affairs should have the friendship element in them...

they are fundamentally love affairs, without the sex/ in love act/ emotion component lingering above it

all fine and dandy, it's all understood, stated and consistently applied and not retracting to the 'friendship', when the situation changes and/ or is blurred, between... love and friendship...

... but these are general/ literal rules of thumb...

i'll be back, must talk to my sister, who's actually my bestie and she knows me so well... i count her on one hand... big position... i'll be more coherent later and talk some more, but i wanted to take this out, now

it is 9:03am and i have had little sleep, after a very long and crucial conversation till 4:20am...

i'm done and ready... again...

it is 11:58am, here in london, uk, my home and base for the last, almost twenty one years... somewhere else, is somewhere else and it's very irrelevant...

i am in my brockley (london's south east) kitchen, listening to passionate arias on BBC3 and chewing soft porridge with a pinch of sugar and cinnamon (my alternative when i'm out of jam); lady grey tea in my queen Bee mug (a birthday present last year from an ex colleague and now a friend)

it's grey outside, but dry; i can just see a plane ascending in the neverending skies... bon voyage and safe...

and another one... i can almost see some rays, struggling to appear, unlike my words, thoughts and feelings, which are not struggling at all, since every day is a new day, freeer, cleaner, better, more astounding...

i feel comfortable and warm and i am contemplating my day, after i finish writing, reading, correcting, amending, uploading...

yesterday was hard. putting the finishing touches on the canvas of my episode, was a tad annoying, frustrating, difficult and knowing me, being a control freak, wanted out as soon as... but, alas, time, timing, time in, time out, time will tell (as i wrote in my performance 'time and grace') and it always makes sense, in the end, at least for me, had to take its toll

and it did.

i djed last night (my residency for a year and a half now, in the se14's royal albert) and although, i was super organised, totally on time, earlier than, prepared and dressed up, as i usually do, something wasn't working... i realised i was upset and down and felt so lonely and isolated... and for what? i have bloody cooked, eaten, chewed, digested, this dish time and time again and frankly, i am hungry for different stuff, as eating the same food is monotonous and not very good for the health!

so,

i turned it around and made it dirtier, louder, more risque, in an environment, where all sorts of folk turn up, from the local residents, to the dancers of laban and the artists of goldsmith's... and drove some of them crazy and they cheered and danced and came up to me with bravos and asking for my card! (it usually happens, but last night, the set was mostly for me)

phew... apart from love, being the answer, music is the antidote... nice!

i got back to a clean and warm and peaceful home and just got into bed, with not too much thinking... well, i am thinking of something, rather yummy and new, which titilates my interest and perhaps, creates a small skipping beat, somewhere, why not?

back to today:

here is my letter:

Lover,

now, i know (for some time, but now definitely) and after all sorts of emotional rollercoasters, writings and talkings, time, distance, silence, ruthlessness, stupidity, fear, immaturity, beautiful moments and a general lack of will, for whatever reason and/ or excuse, that you are not my lover, nor that i ever wish you to be...

it was tried, badly or well, unimportant, but... it was ugly and beautiful and now, it's gone, gone, gone for better or for worse, i am not interested...

there is no blame, no reprisal, no hate, just sheer love and understanding and a very definite and plain ending to all this unecessary, now, camaraderie...

i feel no shame, no pain, no sorrow, anymore... been there, done that and as i mentioned before, i'm now bored and in need to feel different, more challenging, reciprocal, sexy, lovely, arty, concrete, beautiful stuff...

there is nothing more to say, write, feel... my life is wonderful, as it's always been and it is not my loss, you will not be witnessing its elements and developments

so, i'll make this letter short and sweet, as it is not a love letter, but a letter about love and i have work to do!

i sincerely wish you all the best and luck, of course, as you are going to need it...

yours, i was never

i am a Lover
x

ps, thank you for the experiment, experience, inspiration and the snippets of love, you have allowed us to feel, somehow and sometimes.

my letter of love coming soon...

... it is necessary...and then my number ten will be complete...

photo by cristine leone

clearing up, finalising, completing...

... and making room for new, different, rewarding, substantial, REAL stuff... which are not based on fantasy, one - sidedness, excruciating and now pointless silence, cruelty, cowardice, bullshit and general waste... too good and too old for that and goodness, i deserve better, marvellous and dowright interesting situations, as i am now bored and sick and angry and i shall refuse to become resentful, but continue to love with integrity and passion, innocence and enthusiasm, as i'm victorious and worth it... THERE!

phew...

182 minus two days, i cannot wait to close the book, after completing the chapter, to put it away on the shelf in the library of my memory...

with kindness (although, i have been angry the last couple of days, but mainly at myself)
with love (and i must stress, there is no regret there)
with a small amount of sadness (wishing for the best)
with ample understanding (isn't it how it all started in the first palce, apart from the chemical connection?)

for my readers, the aforementioned and/ or parties of interest and mainly myself:

no, i have not met anyone (or perhaps/ most likely there is some kind of catalyst and a good one, too; treating it respectfully and with patient distance and perhaps, beginning to yearn for...)
i have not decided to alleviate my pain and sorrow and emotional starvation with 'meaningless sex and objectifying women' (quoted words, but very appropriate here; she is not that hopeless, after all, but she is)
nothing amazing has happened to trigger that kind of decision, apart from me, my head, my heart, my body, my time/ timing, my way... and that is pretty amazing...

and apart from a splendid process, all for me to apply and comprehend and finally accept as the only way forward and since then, i have felt calmer, happier, lighter, cleaner, with no anxiety, worry, fear and general shackles to burden me!

phew... one more time...

i love her, however i don't want her
i feel her, but i don't want to reach out to her
i understand her, yet i don't want to offer any help
and i wish her the best in all her battles... doing my very best...

'every morning i kiss the permanent message under my pillow', i wrote in my last performance piece and that message has now moved to my bedside table... with a kiss...
images to remind me of moments on my screen have been replaced with other neutral, clean images loaded wth pleasantries, which i need...
my hair is washed...
my bed sheets freshened up...

i am not turning my back to challenge, i am just walking away from the nothing...

there was one favourite number on my favourites list; this list is now empty...
Llittle Deeds, Small Beginnings... make a great deal of difference

i want nothing, expect nothing, waiting no more, keeping it real, keeping it simple; i have freed myself...

and i remain open to love, changes and consequences... more brave and more curious...

i am again excited... for... everything!

phew...

the performative piece is written avidly overnight, ready to record and lace with music and emotion and
i shall write, not a love letter, but a letter about love and kiss it... goodbye...

ps the ring will always remain.
pps we were just experimenting with each other, after all...

it tastes like love...

with a hearty slice of persian love cake made with pistachios, cardamon, nutmeg and is gluten/ dairy free
and two forks... and a pot of tea... warm and soothing...
only $4.50
from the green refectory on sydney road (115), somewhere far and so near...

i have to go now...

it's high time...

... six days have seemed an eternity, but i needed to gather up, think, adapt...
via work and social obligations...

so, i am back here, my yummy solace and catharsis for some light relief and exorcism, but no clear result...

i'll let it slide and enjoy it
i'll analyse less
i'll allow (myself) to feel more
and i shall keep calm and carry on, burning up inside with some kind of insatiable desire which perhaps could derive from
1. either my own projections
2. other projections
3. sheer need
4. reactionary behaviour

nevertheless, it's quite enjoyable, in a very quiet and smooth manner with some bubbles underneath... bubbling...

shhhh...

i write in riddles, because it's fun and protective, but i know there is one or two out there almost and/ or totally getting it, but they will have to get the raw truth out of the horse's mouth, should they wish to... now and/ or later... or maybe... never... if there is such thing

the feelings are lingering, but totally bearable
the sadness apparent in certain circumstances
the silence/ secrecy/ discretion, especially amongst the general crowd, paramount
the perpetual mystery, regarding, who? when? where? why? how? now what? is trickling continuously down the walls of my, MY life... let the wondering and wandering... wander, aimlessly, on purpose...

is it a true story?
a fact?
a fantasy?
a figment of my imagination? or ours?
a saga?
a drama?
a timed episode, waiting for its climax to explode?
all of the above? none of the above?

madam B and her tricks; mind and heart; keeping it simple, keeping it real... oops that was a paradox and a contradiction, but word play on my expense has always been my forte...

i am an animal with a brain
i make
i break
i crush
i construct
i soothe
i lash
i listen
i speak
i love
i remember... everything, my love!

22:22 10/7
09:22 18/9

so far and so close, we live in the tiniest world ever, so immeasurably apart...

what am i to do?

i keep stiill
i move
i work
i love... again and always, more and more... every difference of the day...

remembering, realising... more and again...

...

new piece of work completed

no more words for today...

another lovely day, different park...

that was yesterday...
and today, i'm feeling, feeling, feeling, thinking, thinking, thinking, missing, missing, missing...
penetrating my brain cells and the threads of my heart, more than the other times... i cannot escape it, so i ride it...
i'm cold today; it's chilly and grey... silently loud...