london. south east. 09:14. 1st december. the beginning of a new month, episode. world's aids day. the clouds are moving. i can see some blue. in have put the kettle on, but i have been up for some time. i am sipping earl grey tea and munching on my second mince pie lovingly made by lilly vanilli...
i feel very positive and excited
my facebook wall is covered with fleetwood mac songs, full of love, sex, pain, yearning and commentary...!
i am a dork!
i am a lovist!
i am hopeful!
i have no choice... what is going on? do i need to know? there is no answer in my long questions, but i am not worried, is it silly? but it feels correct... i must go with that gut feeling of something is really happening and going on and will erupt into something sexy, explosive and intensely filmic... am i mad? not in this way, but in that way! do i make sense? yes! meanwhile, business as usual, big things are cooking...
it's cold... monday has already begun two hours and thirty seven minutes ago... and i am tucked in bed, listening to jill scott, with wet eyes, a small sadness and a abundant anticipation for whatever will come next and when...as an exhausting and rich week has just ended and with it, perhaps a friendship...
i/ we come and go, i/ we move constantly, life goes on and on, despite the bumps and smoothings and offerings and happenings thrown at it/ me/ us...
i've been feeling blue all day and i thought of blurting it out here, for some personal understanding and replenishing and hopefully with no or at least little self indulgence...
where to begin from?
it is nearly the end of the month; a distant lover's birthday and i'm further isolating myself into the oblivion of my own destiny
do i provoke my own fate for the challenge? or am i outright misunderstood? no matter what happens, with who and when, i must remain consistent, passionate, hungry, intelligent, alive, awake and forever creative...
as time slips from my hands and as i am having really and deep down the time of my life, i have this need to archive and make sense of it all with furtive curiosity and genuine interest.
the far away and stay away land has woken up to some kind of conscientious guilt and tragic realisation: after eighteen months of persistent silence and blocking, which, clearly has helped a lot for my healing and natural poison extraction, i received an one liner, just one day before a very important event with the presence of someone with some kind of importance in my life... one line with a small kiss...
it meant nothing more or les that it wrote and it created some kind of reaction, which did not include a response or a desire for one and lasted for a few hours after some tears of finally being acknowledged and the ultimate closure, which i reached a very long time ago...
i am clean and alone for the time being and the cup of my heart has started to fill... i am consistently breaking my patterns, pushing the boundaries, feel fear less and knowing that i have nothing to lose, makes me even stronger and life easier... maintaining of course a small portion of mystery, as, too full, too quickly, will ruin the appetite!
not quite there yet, but nearly... it will all fall into place and make sense... meanwhile, i work a lot!
salaam alaikum soon please... and love, always and plenty...
it is the first of october and the sun is gloriously shining! i am enjoying, relishing, devouring, absorbing it and my body and spirit are very happy, indeed.
of course, everyone is talking about it, which is the norm in this city, especially, when we don't get a lot of rays and/ or warmth, which is intensely boring and i really hope they'd shut up and get on with it and not jinx it!
i'm very quiet and reflective and contemplating my next move/s...
i feel stuck and trapped and upset and at the same time, free, insightful, private, grateful, fortunate
there is a slight wind, soothing my warm back and raffling my brain layers... delightful. in metaphore and reality.
things are changing again and fast and it feels right.
the new moon in harmonious, balancing libra has already been and gone and i'm feeling it now.
i'm finishing the circle, finishing stories, finishing dilemmas, finishing tasks, finishing... and starting again...
fresh, clean, different...
dandies and boys and question marks are nicely becoming a crystallised epilogue with friendship and simplified relating...
what happened?
time and circumstance and...
for me to know... that is how i like it...
love is coming, but from a different angle altogether and i am glad about that!
well, that is another subject to be discussed, written about, felt, or ignored, sabotaged, destroyed altogether...
especially, when it's new, a surprise, a gentle slap around the face, a ribbon or a butterfly in the gut, a tear or more in both eyes, here to stay for some foreseeable future and an almost reality... in endless songs and intensely honest prose?
when does one do then? when it's been ages since any heart layers have been aired and flapped about? when disappointment has set so deeply, it has become a norm; a habit? when sadness is hovering permanently above the aura, like a thin, yet persistent veil? when, the shrew needs taming and the careful attire is due for a serious unscrewing? when the windows are open and the whistle of the wind and the rays of the sun rush and gash right in?
what would stav B say and do?...
answers soon, or not, till then... go through it until...
when i started writing...it is friday night. 23 september 2011. 22:39pm. south east london. i'm in bed fighting a possibly small cold to be...
honey, fresh lemon juice, echinacea, vits, hot bath and a positive attitude... no, i don't think i am going to die alone anymore with the danger that no one will discover me, till i start to smell; i have written before and trixie is not around any longer, sadly, to ask for food or a cuddle, or both...
... but i am alone... listening to mr. static lifotape by lifo mix on soundcloud and its techno ambience filters the melancoly and abyss of my heart, by having my head and feet engaged in some sort of simultaneous movement and my memory delving into familiar and known samples and having my mouth exclaiming: ' i know this '...
all sorts of happenings are, well, happening, on top of one another, at the same time, in short or long intervals and i'm in the middle of it all, absorbing, swallowing, rejecting, digesting, drinking, eating, experiencing and breathing in between...
fast and slow, hard and leniant, ugly and pleasant... still amidst of all the slaps, beatings and praises, small/ big triumphs, irrelevant behaviours and non sensical attitudes, unfairness and gentleness, sheer camaraderies and blatant jealousies and meanness (at times), all for me to witness, endure, survive and further get shaped...
never a boring moment, yes? no?
on guard, stand by, awake, still, ready, strong, resilient, open and brutal in the truth and the elimination, more final than before, easier, quicker. period
and that is all in my tiny tiny world of personal affairs; the state of the world is full of unbearable anomalies, with famine, thirst, disease, corruption, war, poverty, unemployment, debt, riots, inequality, violence and the ultimate violation of human rights! are we on our way to lose our freedom? are we free? have we ever been?
i carried on today from here:
tired.
is it too cliche to write sometimes about these things, let alone think of them? as long as they are not happening in our own front yard, then it's ok? is it? but now, our front yard is totally affected and it hurts...
and affects us all from the petrol that we put in our cars (let me tell you, i almost cry everytime i fill zoro up), to the attention we get in hospitals, should, 'god' forbid fall ill... limited to none, let alone gay rights, black rights, women's rights... so advanced and so backward at the same time...
the smaller countries hit so badly, because of past compromises, historical references and the dire economic situation as of late.... STOP!
enough! no politics here, no moaning, no financial analysis of the years to come... this is a love blog full of positivity and understanding, reassuring, believing and ample loving! but this is not a blog refusing reality, either...
yes, i agree... and i shall deliver as i always do, despite the heartbreaks and disappointments, as life is precious and beautiful and full of all things wonderful; like brunches with loved ones on sunday afternoons, walks in the woods in the golden autumn, making art, writing endlessly, debating endlessly, riding by the canal in the summer and beyond, cuddling, reading, devouring foreign lands with your mind, a book or passport, dressing up, smiling, taking photographs, loving, loving, loving...
i am keeping positive and keeping my head above water, constantly and fighting my own battles and sorting out my own problems, which are a combination of bad luck, circumstance, the state of my mind and the state of the world. snap! full circle. everything starts from oneself i keep saying to others and me and end in oneself... a collective behaviour is what we generally miss and when i say generally, i mean that we have some kind of explosive camaraderie, not always positive and productive, which comes out of anger and frustration, but sadly so short term... and some other times, we have tiny revolutions in the shape of passionate meetings and the joining of groups... doing our best?
it's autumn. the sun is shining still, but it's cooler... windy recently, too. i love the wind. so cleansing.
i'm starting from scratch. easing into it, with pride and compromise, but with some welcoming dexterity (good for me) i am constantly conceiving, creating, organising, delegating, employing, executing i am constantly thinking my heart is empty, but is it? being so alone and so clear, is excruciating sometimes, when everything around me is so understood and explained (by me) i am healthy, i'm alive and the times i say 'what is the point of it all' disappears, thankfully, soon igniting oneself is empowering, but also exhausting, where is the flame i wish for? i'm not waiting, i'm not looking, but i anticipate, i yearn... in silence... for now, but not here... it has taken me so long to write here again, i so needed to collect my thoughts and that is the beginning... ... of a new journey, in the new chapter of my life and vice versa... ... i just hope i remain hopeful to embrace it... ... fully... and reminding myself that i am also surrounded by wonderful people, full of love and support for me, to be reciprocated...
