my sermon of love

FRINGE FILM FESTIVAL was born three years ago, after three friends sat down over a glass of wine and reacted creatively to the cut of the LLGFF (london lesbian gay film festival) to one week instead of two... o. yes. we have the most stupid government in the UK with horrible, money grabbing men ruling it... don't get me started... 


so, it begun and it was focused on films, short and features, events and parties and around cool places in the east end of london.

i was invited to participate and contribute to the festival with my pop up bar: the first year (2011), stav B' liquor bar was operating at bob and anne cooke's pie n' mash shop on broadway market and we had music and cocktails downstairs and the short films shown upstairs in the dilapidated victorian living room, which we had customised to be cosy and safe. so much fun and so busy. the second year (2012), i was at lower clapton's colourful juice bar, lumiere, where the bar was upstairs among the sweet smells, the dangling glitter hearts and permanent fountain and serving spicy punch and other delights via books on erotica, female ejaculation workshops, body performances, music and a very lively and active dark room!

this year (2013), i was invited to participate as an artist, where i became a priest for one night only, in a chapel, doing service and reciting a sermon (my own), giving communion and offering confession time!
and as an atheist, denouncing god in my teens, who finished a private school for girls, with its own church and as part of the choir, i was obliged to sing inside it to a nauseating level, as it was always so busy and hot, it was quite a big thing... religion vs faith; principle vs art ethic; desire vs love; pushing the boundaries away from the comfort zone vs remaining stubborn in one's beliefs... of course i said yes!
and it was no light matter... i still write and a lot, but i perform selectively... i wanted to be respectful, but also flexible and not too flippant, losing myself in some jargon, or pointless reaction to an industry i'm not familiar with, full of complexities, mystery and corruption...
so, i delved into it... preparing psychologically to appear in front of strangers in a chapel and spilling my heart; choosing my two songs as hymns and finally writing my sermon after days of reflection and thinking, retaining it close, true and protected. the confession part was easy enough; folk come to me for advice and a point of view in life anyway, which, sometimes, i'm hopeless in giving it to myself...
and i kept it honest, as authentic as possible, coming from the heart... being me... and complete with my clergy shirt and my rosary and a borrowed cassock, which i have always wanted to possess (wardrobe extension) and elements of religion... yes, i did some research on the matter and became a tourist for a whole morning in the rain, visiting clergy suppliers and abbey shops...
and the service was wonderful and funny and warm, complete with prayers and hymns and two speeches from hilary clinton and patti smith and a full house, with boys and girls, who were totally up for it, singing, laughing, cheering, clapping and soaking it all in as well as the communion who were lining up to get in the shape of... love hearts! as it should be! that day the house of god, was the house of love; our love!
and everyone said that i looked the part, it suited me to the ground and i felt as ease and very serious and calm and strangely elated covered in heavy black cloth and decorated in chains and beads... which most likely has got to do with my personal state at present; trying to keep it together, before i go completely mad, or was i in character?
this is my sermon; my sermon of love...

SERMON

by stav B

Friday 12 April 2013

FRINGEFILM FEST*3

Good evening. I’m stav B. Your priest for one night only.

It took me some time to think and more time to decipher on paper, this sermon, which, despite the subversion of it all, is a serious matter, standing in front of strangers and delivering some kind of message with honesty and clarity, asking for your forgiveness and hopefully transcending positive energy to take with you in cognition.

I am not religious, in the sense, that I don’t follow a particular manuscript, which will lead my life in some kind of salvation, but I have faith:

Faith in the undeniable power of nature

Faith in the ability of humans, despite their stupidity and ignorance and fear

Faith in the people who I love and love me

Faith in myself, as I believe that everything starts and finishes from oneself…

Faith is not about having all the answers, it is a feeling, a hunch, that something bigger, connecting us all, exists: LOVE, which in itself is an act of faith…

All fine and dandy in theory and we can enter in some futile discourse for eternity, what use is it, if it’s not recognised, practised and finally embraced? If it’s not felt?

Despite the love within us, we all know, how hard and somewhat impossible it is to find the other, identify them and love them and be loved back…

It is a bewildering business indeed, we all need this so much, but when it actually knocks on our heavy door, forever locked and occupied by work and hobbies, do we open it?

Do we let it in?

Do we enjoy it?

Do we nurture it?

Do we keep it? Close to our hearts with compassion and trust and responsibility?

Do we allow it to bewitch us and sweep us away, in shores, where we can lose and find ourselves?

Despite the fears?

The past traumas?

The busy schedules?

The utter foolishness to ruin something potentially amazing for us and to us, without giving it a real shot?

Or deliberately misunderstand it, sabotage it, challenge it, exclude it, control it, unfairly and eventually destroying it, in the name of:

Career?

Friends?

Idle gossip?

Fear?

Closed heart?

Insecurity?

The superb discipline of conditioning oneself to the state: I’m ok on my own, I have worked very hard to reach that stage and I’m not prepared to relinquish it, yet, ever, at the moment?

Working hard on oneself is fundamental, whether we are alone or relating, nothing should interfere with this crucial process, our loved ones should encourage this wholeheartedly.

A certain lack of decorum to be kind and compassionate to someone who has appeared in our lives for a myriad of reasons, but most importantly to love us?

The answers lie within each and every one of us and if we dare to be brutally honest with ourselves, then we’ll know what to do and how to proceed.

As above, it is a bewildering and tricky business at the same time and juggling life and feelings is truly a wonderful as well as a rocky experience, but smooth sailing never made a skillful sailor, right?

In short and what I’m trying to say here, is that if we are sure about what we want and need and are capable for and very adamant about our choices in life, whatever the reason, the excuse, the previous experience and we are not prepared to shake this meticulous crafted composition, just in case our tower crumbles…

Then, we should stay away from the harmful, potentially messy and heartbreaking business of love and make sure that we keep our hearts very looked after and wrapped carefully… unbreakable… irredeemable, inpenetranable, hearts, which eventually become motionless, airless and dark…

Life continues, but how?

Or, of course, we can do something different and interesting and surprise ourselves, totally remove our finely knitted net and leap into the amazing unknown, the magic, the beauty, the happiness, the love! Why not? Why can we not get what we want for a change? Why can we not get what we deserve? And crack a little smile for a while?

Maybe we get scratched, bruised, upset, confused and so what? It’s all a circle back to itself and love will truly shine if it’s true! It’s all part of the process, courage is contagious and faith; what a task!

There is no eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, but despair and loneliness; soul-destroying… spots and mistakes and miracles and warmth… yearning for the warmth.

'Somewhere there's a treasure that has no value to anyone but you, and a secret that's meaningless to everyone except you, and a frontier that harbours a revelation only you would know how to exploit. Why not go in search of those things? 

Visualise yourself being able to recognise the raw truth about the people you care about. Imagine that you can see how they already embody the beauty their souls' codes have promised as well as how they still fall short of embodying that beauty. 

Picture yourself being able to make them feel appreciated even as you inspire them to risk changes that will activate more of their souls' codes'.

It’s ok to love.

It’s ok to share.

It’s ok to get hurt.

And it’s ok to be alone. But if one does wish to remain alone, one should not implicate others into this experiment; one should remain unbending into their positions… unless, of course, they do love, that is….

LOVE is the answer and we all know that for sure and as I leave you now holding each other’s hands, of the person next to you, whether you know them or not, I wish to state, declare and share with you that I love, I’m in love and that I have decided to let it in, before I perish, as I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to protection. The pain is sweet. The rewards, enormous. And I’m glad about that.

Thank you for listening.

11.4.13 ©stav B

i post this sermon here, upon request, archive and for those who missed the event... 

yes, it is true, i am a performance artist and that has saved my life, as a way to exorcise my demons and reach some kind of cathartic revelation, via my prose and the audience, but that could never be possible without my life's wonderful realities. 

and there is no script and/ or performance there, but truth and love and a hell of a lot of takes. and i am glad about that. 

additional photography by christa holka ©2013

a brand new narrative

you and me and no one else

conceived and written by stav B

recorded by doug haywood

it's about love, clarity and gender diversity...

springen aequinoctium 2012

march 21. wednesday. 14:41pm london, uk time... the sun is in aries/ spring equinox and i am starting again and again as every day... action...


i can hear birds from the open window and a distant motorbike zipping away... the air is warm and the sun is shining and yes, i can see some blue... lots of it!


i am back, with bubbling feelings and elevated thoughts after a mild winter, a horrid cold, a lot of running around, plenty of change and upheaval, a great deal of identity resuming, personality deconstructing, realisations achieving and doors opening and shutting, heart opening, love blossoming, mind sharpening and soul advancing! phew! super busy, or what? in and out and still at it... of course!


since my last post, i have changed locations, jobs, art thinkings, friend losings and gainings, new way of seeing/ believing/ projecting/ expecting/ creating/ constructing life and its episodes, some silly, other terrible, but mostly good, acquiring new strengths, ideas, solution findings (and very quickly) and living la vita loca, all mine with the most intense and pushing challenging i have ever experienced and put in practice (either by self will or by circumstance) ever before! again, phew! but i am still here, breathing and continuously letting go of the debris, pulling and pushing my energy and of the ones i am interested in...


i am learning a lot, thrusting my boundaries, by putting myself through a constant rollercoaster, again, either by circumstance, or by sheer sabotaging and self testing; i get so easily bored and even more so, as of late, situations, which i found so essential and juicy before, have withered into oblivion and indifference and goodness, are/ have always been so so boring, not essential and not juicy, but important to experience, so that i can get closer to my purpose; frogs and prince, get it?


layers and layers of onion peels from my essence are continuing to unravel, discard and replenish from the debris to the delights, from the unnecessary to the important, reaching my life zenith day in day out, brings me closer to my material death and my spiritual maturity... yet, life is sweet and amazing and one more time, i am having a ball with all these lessons, trials and tribulations and the fun they all bring, when i finally allow myself to relax and enjoy the exploring within the sexy interlude...


new blood, energy, way of thinking, loving and exchanging have entered my wonderful life in the shape of people and ideas! i am very lucky indeed, but mostly smart, for eliminating quickly and recycling immediately... 


work: the liquor bar is continuing with a delicious diversity, more careful planning and variety: headed letters and updated business cards; accountants and spreadsheets and company numbers and a lot of events in different places, for different reasons, as well as other invitations... look at my other blog to get the idea; apopuplife.blogspot.com... shaping up nicely, with more stock, a good and loyal team and a lot of concept and hard work... with passion and energy...


clubs: queen Bees is still buzzing around from flower to flower causing some kind of stir, within the theme, the sound, the photograph...

The T club: it is my new venture, an avant garde club night for transgenders, genderqueers and all in between, is launching tomorrow night at london's dalston superstore, a haunt we all love and it's cool and busy and like me, is supporting gender diversity... check the facebook group to find out all about it and why it begun... and how...

art/ performance: performing again in may, has extended my already new found inspiration and the ongoing quest for identity, via claustrophobia and narcissism, is developing into a new video performance by the sea: fellini style... watch this space...

art/ photographs: part of clifford chance transatlantic show again this june, i am taking photos of a subject doing sport; of course, i shall narrate it in my signature sensual and erotic manner, but concentrating on activity, will be an interesting point of reference indeed...


the Platform: is back, the 5th april and is incorporated with the liquor bar; cocktails, performances, screenings, what a perfect combo for a different kind of entertainment; not anal and not drunken...


love: hmmm... is this why i am here for? to write about it? after thinking it and finally deciding to feel it, after almost forgetting it and/ or covering it wth plenty of activity, privacy, disappeance within the relentless socialising, well, almost, getting there, gulp, yet another experience, episode, layer dot dot dot


well, this one is tricky and seriously enjoyable and potentially dangerous and serious and massive and finally substantial... what i was always craving and not knowing? again, the frogs/ prince syndrom emerges...


this is a mental affair(for now) with plenty of friendship and galore of innuendi, based on sexual attraction, tradition, conditioning, expectation and projections, pain and hurt, elements, which, each day i uncreate and destroy, for purity and peace


there are a lot of things in common, regarding ideas, creativity and style and past habits(the young ones), vulnerability, although i am the brutal one, honesty, although i am the aggressive one, chemistry, admiration and care, which i am embracing with lots of understanding and communication... help and carmic duties...


sounds ideal and a dream? perhaps, to any reader, who doesn't know the most important detail, which frankly is diminishing into some kind of petty detail and i hope(not really, but yes), i don't fall hopelessly in love and crash everything i have stood for, all my life and reconstruct the lot with furtive hunger and enthusiasm, all in aid of an individual, gorgeous, insecure, talented, set in their ways and into transition... in life, mind and heart and not gender, just to clear this one out now, for more clarity and not a problem...


do i make sense? perhaps and at the moment, this is the best i can do and of course it is not enough... my head if full of thought and fantasy, warmth and safety and i look forward to the following encounter, where a sudden appearance, full of joy, leads to arms tightly and with no hesitation...
and i hope it is not just a crush, an infatuation, to fizz out, when i have finally mastered my pursue... naturally, i sabotage everything here, because i am a selfish artist, in need to feel strong emotions to feed her art, ignoring her own heart... but it is not as simple as that anymore... my own tried and tested methods are fraying successfully and i have begun to be a woman/ person, contrary to woman/ artist again and not only via my art... this is real... i feel it every day, many moments...


and after, arguing, demanding, ruining, wishing to lose and let go, i have failed and so, i have decided to change the record and play a different tune, perhaps in my ears out of sync, but truly, it is within a great deal of harmony and connection... and as i relax and enjoy the exploration, the layers of my heart are opening and within it, all my senses and i have started to smell again, hear again, see again and live again, right here, right now and who cares for how long?


i have no issues of possession and mistrust, jealousy and dominance, i am calm, i am clear, i am excited, excitable and above all, i am available!


closing doors, which deserve to remain closed, letting go of people and situations, which won't teach me or make me grow and look after me, has given space to the beauty i am currently experiencing; more freedom and definitely a good future investment for memory and adventure... play it safe: pointless; delve into it: not just yet; pulling and pushing, back and forth: at the moment, crucial...


i am dancing and continuously and i don't need my shoes...