the world is getting smaller and life is getting nearer to the demise, so what have we learned so far? it is sunday. it is may, with scattered showers and rays and sometimes, at the same time, the sky plays hide and seek with the clouds. in london, uk. the fight continues and it's all very exciting indeed... and bewildering and isolating and... i'll be back...
The art of losing isn't hard to master; so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster,
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent. The art of losing isn't hard to master. Then practice losing farther, losing faster: places, and names, and where it was you meant to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or next-to-last, of three loved houses went. The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster, some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent. I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident the art of losing's not too hard to master though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster. Elizabeth Bishop
1. i read somewhere: "Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year. He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety. Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in. Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.
This new day is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on the yesterdays." Ralph Waldo Emerson
august 21. thankfully the summer is still here with rays and warmth. yummy tummy feelings of hope and joy, but not always... it has gone dark already... i sidetracked myself wih a precious dialoque and a snooze... it's good to be back here, i was missing uploading so much, but i was otherwise engaged... does it matter? i'm here; i never left... i fell asleep... august 22. south east london. 8:21am. i smell a bit of autumn and although i love this season so much, i am not ready for it... need to nest, first... as usual, a lot is happening in my reality, keeping me on my toes, challenged, busy, uncomfortable, alive, sharp and aware... new lessons, hopefully, new and less mistakes and definitely, new experiences and adventures, which is what is all about... o. yes, with new folk, too. where was i? that story, i gave some kind of importance to, because i needed to and because it was mine, happening to me and taught me that it was all about people and not gender, has withered away successfully and with not too much or very little, or no pain and grain and trauma at all, as it came to its natural end, in its own time, after a platonic existence, which hurt neither parts (although the other still craves the attention; not me). phew! it was a nice little interlude based on fantasy, style, fashion and gender struggle and the refusal to compromise... my mentoring was inexhaustible for a very long time, until and thank goodness, a catalyst, redefined my position and i escaped the potential shackles it could have brought me... mind numbing and soul stifling and i'm too old and wise for that, plus there was no love, just power, again, phew! and i continue... do i have a choice, but to carry on eating life and all its dishes, fattening my starving heart with nutrients of excitement and the new, the fresh, the crazy, the essential, the beautiful... and with love, just around the corner to get me out of my self - inflicted control and stubborness... and again, phew! i sould not forget to breathe... which bring me to the now: i work a lot and most of the time. it's good for me to be busy and to focus on my own projects and making a living for survival and help the others, without being an idiot, but i am also reaching burnt out levels, which i am trying to eliminate with detachment, internal space finding and a day off! i am tired, but not as i write, because i did take a day off, yesterday, ate greens, devoured six apricots, drank a lot of water, smoked no cigarettes, drank no alcohol and snoozed and slept early, after sending a message, with a lovely thought or two and with no hesitation. i have chopped bloodlessly, very effectively and completely a few rotten branches from my tree, which, at first seemed to be fun and good and important, only to prove with time and circumstance, ridiculous, selfish, vouyeuristic, creepy and totally overstepping the mark, in the name of friendship and closeness! dangerous and not even challenging! out out out forever and away..., but i knew all along and sometimes, it's good to give some stuff a chance, but only sometimes... as the instincts never fail to fail me... and i'm growing, cultivating, developing and letting in the well deserved elements, contributing to my precious life! and having so much fun, on top of it, too... with the most wonderful company... ... fresh and wild and totally smart... a little genius, toying within the realms of madness and the extremities of expression via the sounds of music and the layers of emotion... at last, some true, genuine, undiluted intensity, i can relate to, be part of and exchange with... ... and i'm inspired again, smiling again, excited again, apprehensive again, a tad nervous and very sensitive, but brutal and tough and totally into it, anticipating, not the outcome, but the unravelling and all because a new mirror has been discovered to show me up, dust my chair, get me out of my comfort zone, consider me an individual and not some fantastical entity, with a juicy dialogue and a lot of huggings... music? galore! and laughter! i take it with ease, but not triviality, i smother it not, but totally protect it, as i know it has already faced opposition and misunderstood points of view, laced with jealousy and antagonism... i will strike harder than before, should anyone or anything even begins to consider a demise... keeping it safe, trusting, warm and free and very loving... it is rather simple and no one's business... my social position, through fate and choice, has brought an array of attentive reactions, demands and responsibility... i must take care not to lose myself in some professional abyss, eaten slowly by moths and worms and disappearing in some detrimental race of mundanity and wallowing hollowness... just saying to pinch and remind myself, as i know that this is not going to be possible, even if i slip... i am a whole hole and super fast... emerging! i'm called 'the speed of stav' and i begin to realise that is is no exaggeration... good to have the voice to remind me... good to have a voice and the power of kicking against the pricks! i'll be back... the day has begun and it smells of promise... but before i go and as i know that death is part of life and the only thing that leaves this earth is the material, i would like to bid farewell to two individuals, whose journey has begun somewhere else, although, without their loved ones, with rest, peace and memory: felix and yana... x
'i am closing the circle, putting it to rest...' i wrote and exclaimed in my last performance and here i am now, at the last day of the month and the end of the year, confirming it again... the end of another cycle, story, chapter... a new ending in my heart, as the title suggests for its new beginning and i must admit, i am excited!
i don't really want to express and/ or describe what a rollercoaster this year has been with all the wonderfulness and awfulness, nor i want to list the resolutions i would like to achieve...
instead, i'll let it roll in nicely, gently and intensely, via my long shift and my plethora of partying in my brand new outfit, get on with it, make it happen (again and always)
i'll fold the napkins of my life well and absolutely and lay the table with innocence, positivity and consistent faith... for the freshly sourced, prepared and served meals of my life to feed me with more experience, knowledge and understanding and love to grace my menu in all three lush courses...
i have been a tad anxious and sad lately and hugely disappointed and i take full responsibility for it, not because i have done something really wrong, but mainly because everything which happens in our lives is within our control to alter and develop, by breaking our own patterns and exercise our patience with flexibility and love...
yet again, i came across fear, ignorance, stiffness, narrow mindedness, anger, resentment, grudge, retribution, futile darkness; slithers of debris left from one to another and passed on... due to age, lack of experience and the alternative and a fair amount of naivete... pity... wrong time, wrong one; right time, right one (would we admit?); wrong time, right one; right time, wrong one... endless possibilities, infinite options, not to be taken on, as new and fresh and different... pity... however...
... as i have said before and i'm saying it again: everything happens for a reason and a good one too and as it should, so there is no point worrying and feeling sad, because the truth always prevails and the right thing is always performed and love always shines, so what is meant to be is meant to be and what is for us, won't go by us... and we don't have to be christians, muslims, buddhists, rastas, or any other label we choose to possess in order to avoid our responsibility to be good humans, tolerant and open minded, but humans full of acceptance and love, despite any shortcomings and bad experiences we went through in the course of our short lives... phew!
two wrongs don't make a right, i know this and although people will treat you the way they have been treated, because and for now, don't know any better, or are too lazy to take the leap and come out of their painful and self inflicted tight bud, you/ i / we have the duty to embrace them with more love, compassion and understanding, break the barriers, disarm them from their pointless artillery...
life is amazing and a wonderful gift and the darkness, the mistakes and the disappointments, part of the process, thrown at us, for the learning and overcoming...
these are my humble opinions and comprehensions and they work for me... i am not interested in recognition, ego satisfaction, or arrogance; i am totally capable in living these out by myself without an audience...
i am interested in life, people, emotions, actions, experiences, mental stimulations, danger and boundary pushing, as well, wide, lovingly, as possible... with decency and honesty and a pure heart...
i know i face opposition, misunderstanding, percecution, gossip, critique, negativity, projections, ridicule, isolation... in time, i have learned to turn it around, ignore it, filter it, fight it, challenge it, eradicate it... time has taught me, protected me, strengthened me, crystallised me and hardened me more...
all good and look forward to the more, but there is a catch:
too high, too advanced, too high the standards; everyone is dissected and finally sabotaged and not allowed in...
now, this is my challenge: am i to overturn it; eliminate it; destroy it...
