my letter of love coming soon...

... it is necessary...and then my number ten will be complete...

photo by cristine leone

clearing up, finalising, completing...

... and making room for new, different, rewarding, substantial, REAL stuff... which are not based on fantasy, one - sidedness, excruciating and now pointless silence, cruelty, cowardice, bullshit and general waste... too good and too old for that and goodness, i deserve better, marvellous and dowright interesting situations, as i am now bored and sick and angry and i shall refuse to become resentful, but continue to love with integrity and passion, innocence and enthusiasm, as i'm victorious and worth it... THERE!

phew...

182 minus two days, i cannot wait to close the book, after completing the chapter, to put it away on the shelf in the library of my memory...

with kindness (although, i have been angry the last couple of days, but mainly at myself)
with love (and i must stress, there is no regret there)
with a small amount of sadness (wishing for the best)
with ample understanding (isn't it how it all started in the first palce, apart from the chemical connection?)

for my readers, the aforementioned and/ or parties of interest and mainly myself:

no, i have not met anyone (or perhaps/ most likely there is some kind of catalyst and a good one, too; treating it respectfully and with patient distance and perhaps, beginning to yearn for...)
i have not decided to alleviate my pain and sorrow and emotional starvation with 'meaningless sex and objectifying women' (quoted words, but very appropriate here; she is not that hopeless, after all, but she is)
nothing amazing has happened to trigger that kind of decision, apart from me, my head, my heart, my body, my time/ timing, my way... and that is pretty amazing...

and apart from a splendid process, all for me to apply and comprehend and finally accept as the only way forward and since then, i have felt calmer, happier, lighter, cleaner, with no anxiety, worry, fear and general shackles to burden me!

phew... one more time...

i love her, however i don't want her
i feel her, but i don't want to reach out to her
i understand her, yet i don't want to offer any help
and i wish her the best in all her battles... doing my very best...

'every morning i kiss the permanent message under my pillow', i wrote in my last performance piece and that message has now moved to my bedside table... with a kiss...
images to remind me of moments on my screen have been replaced with other neutral, clean images loaded wth pleasantries, which i need...
my hair is washed...
my bed sheets freshened up...

i am not turning my back to challenge, i am just walking away from the nothing...

there was one favourite number on my favourites list; this list is now empty...
Llittle Deeds, Small Beginnings... make a great deal of difference

i want nothing, expect nothing, waiting no more, keeping it real, keeping it simple; i have freed myself...

and i remain open to love, changes and consequences... more brave and more curious...

i am again excited... for... everything!

phew...

the performative piece is written avidly overnight, ready to record and lace with music and emotion and
i shall write, not a love letter, but a letter about love and kiss it... goodbye...

ps the ring will always remain.
pps we were just experimenting with each other, after all...

it tastes like love...

with a hearty slice of persian love cake made with pistachios, cardamon, nutmeg and is gluten/ dairy free
and two forks... and a pot of tea... warm and soothing...
only $4.50
from the green refectory on sydney road (115), somewhere far and so near...

i have to go now...

it's high time...

... six days have seemed an eternity, but i needed to gather up, think, adapt...
via work and social obligations...

so, i am back here, my yummy solace and catharsis for some light relief and exorcism, but no clear result...

i'll let it slide and enjoy it
i'll analyse less
i'll allow (myself) to feel more
and i shall keep calm and carry on, burning up inside with some kind of insatiable desire which perhaps could derive from
1. either my own projections
2. other projections
3. sheer need
4. reactionary behaviour

nevertheless, it's quite enjoyable, in a very quiet and smooth manner with some bubbles underneath... bubbling...

shhhh...

i write in riddles, because it's fun and protective, but i know there is one or two out there almost and/ or totally getting it, but they will have to get the raw truth out of the horse's mouth, should they wish to... now and/ or later... or maybe... never... if there is such thing

the feelings are lingering, but totally bearable
the sadness apparent in certain circumstances
the silence/ secrecy/ discretion, especially amongst the general crowd, paramount
the perpetual mystery, regarding, who? when? where? why? how? now what? is trickling continuously down the walls of my, MY life... let the wondering and wandering... wander, aimlessly, on purpose...

is it a true story?
a fact?
a fantasy?
a figment of my imagination? or ours?
a saga?
a drama?
a timed episode, waiting for its climax to explode?
all of the above? none of the above?

madam B and her tricks; mind and heart; keeping it simple, keeping it real... oops that was a paradox and a contradiction, but word play on my expense has always been my forte...

i am an animal with a brain
i make
i break
i crush
i construct
i soothe
i lash
i listen
i speak
i love
i remember... everything, my love!

22:22 10/7
09:22 18/9

so far and so close, we live in the tiniest world ever, so immeasurably apart...

what am i to do?

i keep stiill
i move
i work
i love... again and always, more and more... every difference of the day...

remembering, realising... more and again...

...

new piece of work completed

no more words for today...