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it's sunday early evening and it is dark already... (i discovered that we are two hours apart, instead of three/ DST)
it has been raining all day; the gardens are still lush and green and the skies started opening later... the clouds were golden...

i am at home, properly relaxing after work, slammer (which went well with fun, warmth, romance, diiferent folk, ambient and with opportunities for the future; i'm racing fast) work, catching up with friends (by skype/ text/ phonecall), cooking yummy greens and roasting a corn on the cob... peppermint tea to wash it all down and keep me clean and hydrated

writing/ preparing the new piece and for here, listening to various singings and thinking constantly and reflecting upon my weekend, my life, the state of my heart, which i don't want to lose, in the midst of all this activity and heavy scheduling and then, i remember that i don't have one, because it's been taken away, so there are no worries there, are there?

one more time, one more day, where:
1. i am cool, calm, collected
2. i am silent, with no resentment and working on my anger, whenever and if ever it occurs (not very often, because i remember that i understand, as well as i don't want to waste time with pointlessness)
3. i remain as positive and patient as possible; after all, love is a beautiful emotion, to make me happy and not sad
4. i accept the sadness however and sometimes and turning it around immediately, by thinking and/ or doing positive, creative, fun stuff; not hard, as i'm super social and super busy
5. i'm feeling the pain (although i did say to my last post that i'm letting go of it; i am contradictory, as well as intense)
6. i am not mean, gossipy, violent, panicky, flustered and freaked out, but full of integrity, discretion and self - respect, with my passion intact
7. i am not headfucking myself by having frequent flashing memories of nice, ugly, funny and overall loving moments, days and more moments, as well as listening to sade's 'your love is king', sometimes, like earlier today, while i was cooking

of course, all the above are relative and good on paper and trust me, i fulfill most of them; however, what i really really would like to do is:
1. scream louder than i normally do
2. love more and tell her
3. write to her and book a ticket
4. remind her that we are both still alive - just -
5. book a date in the town hall
6. go to her and hide in her arms, tell her and share much and listen loads
7. start smiling and be at peace again, all the way from the inside...

all the above are relative too and the order can be changed

i haven't stopped thinking and i haven't stopped feeling... which is a good thing and this how it is... for now and some time...

causing ripples, taking it further, slamming it thunderously and my worries dissipate as soon as they appear...

i might have a plan...

dreams...

... twice in a week, twice in a night...

wide awake

here and there...

turning points

as my day begins, somewhere else is supper time...

i am back with the need to upload my thoughts, feelings and visuals (as concealing/ revealing/ symbolically/ protectively) as i do.

i have made myself very busy, busier than before, that is, with activities and work, which i enjoy, prefer and can put my heart in with fullness and passion.
call it fate, time, planetary hustle and bustle, time, age, circumstance, determination, self - motivation, the sheer need for some kind of revolution, i had to do it, wanted to do it and the more i involve myself in it, the more right it feels.

so, after a great deal of thought, past planning, coming into my present, anticipation, a limited budget, but plenty of courage and positivity, i decided, conceived, organised, funded and launched my own little venture, aside from queen Bees and the Platform, my own video - performances and the djing: stav B's slammer bar! a speakeasy, prohibition style bar, where ideas spark, projects materialise and exquisite liquid consumed, i wrote in the blurbs of the facebook group i created.

in the slammer; a 1920s building, ex police station (hence the name, as it's a slang for prison, a cocktail and perhaps epitomises my character correctly, which i devised in my friend's garden in peckham one sunny afternoon), with cells - turned into art spaces (men) and toilets (women) - is that by chance?, interview rooms - turned into exhibition galleries and a surgery room - turned into my storage space...
participating in AA (architectural association filming) led me to an encounter, led me to the old police station, led me to my original planning, led me to the materialisation, led me to the fact that i'm finally doing my own thing, without the shackles of some pointless authority/ bureaucracy/ male energy... phew...

i found myself doing the things i was doing for other people, for myself and my little business: meetings, wine tasting, stock choosing and ordering, calculating what money i have (next to nothing), opening a business account, registering the company (doing this later today), searching for funding and sponsorship, discussing with my good friend, who records my performances and designs my flyers and plays the music, the new project (he has been super supportive and amazing with fabulous results) and my favourite, of course: shopping!

so, i set this little bar up, knowing exactly what i wanted, how i wanted it, what i was going to sell and how with a few pennies (no exaggeration, there, but i took the risk, as it's juicier and more interesting and so fundamental), to see how it goes, evolves, develops, via my part - time job, fashion shows and modelling, boutique bar show visits, for contacts and reunions and i got really drunk, after a 6 week sabbatical, as i wasn't driving and i was excited and between good friends... sushi later sorted me out and i was composed again!

stav B's slammer bar is held at the old police station in deptford, london se14, the first and fouth friday of the month.
we had fun at the launch and i could see it working. hard work was rewarded and i didn't mind at all.

the main reason i write so extensively about the slammer bar, is because i believe it symbolises a great turning point in my life:

1. i created myself a job, because i needed one and i'd rather not work for other people (although my part - time job at the moment suits me fine and helps me financially)
2. it feels good for me to have my limits of action, pro - action, skills and personality stretched with something interesting and worthwhile causes, which i devise and control.
3. it's high time to actually lead
4. to put everything i've done up to now to some kind of sense
5. to feel more secure and save tickets money and other lovely enterprises
6. to make some kind of political point: woman, dyke, slim, stylish, little money, lots of guts, attitude and experience... let's see how it goes...

... which brings me to my main focal point of life: how much i love and how i want to love deliciously, maturely, innocently, spectacularly!

she has been on my mind from the beginning; in my visions, she is in dialogue with me, involving herself with my new project, ready to spring her opinions and take over and i recruit her, when she asks whether she can help: ' you are good on the phones, with projects and computers, get me some business'! she smiles cheekily, calls me bossy and trots off to start work... because she is a hard worker, in oher matters other than the heart; it's easier this way.

hard work as of late has given me a better and clearer perspective, but it has changed nothing regarding the state of my heart; still, very much full of her...

... what i am letting go off, is the anxiety, the pain, for pure love and beauty and peace and some hard passion to rule and make me happy...

meanwhile, the indirect glimpses continue and i wait quietly, i stand still (in my reactions; let me have some ego, please and call her bluff) and relish them

i am strong, i am powerful, i am in control, i am in love and i love and there is nothing wrong with that... i have just changed the guidelines of the game, for some variety, stirring, excitement... en veras...

faith? always
hope? forever...

south london press (24/9/10. page 8) article (not very accurate, but on paper) by nadia gilani
logo designed by doug haywood
poem written by sophie lord

slammed it...

... and now, i retire quietly, because i need it so much...
it has been a good start...

slamming it...

... and taking care of business...

and i need her now, today, at this point and the next day, more than yesterday and the day before and perhaps i have started to see glimpses, which i'm collecting
i am stretching my boundaries, expanding my horizons, exercising my skills, sharpening my brain and polishing my heart... on stand by and ready mode...

it will all make sense and fall into place (as it should)...


(the very first song clip i sent her one cold cold winter afternoon)

portal

on friday, i spinned some records - vinyl only, as it's my love-, as i do every second friday of the month in this cute little bar, only ten minutes drive, if that, from my house... i always have fun in there: the people (staff and customers) like the music, dance and/ or sing along, request, compliment, ask for my card and/ or how much they like my hair...
i always keep my phone under the decks, as an indicator for time and i often, if not regualrly remember, the time, when my night was her morning and a plane was taken for a gathering in another town and how much we both wished i was on that plane, instead of playing 'avalon' by roxy music to a bunch of strangers in the area of se14...

... then i went to duckie's (a gay night full of cabaret and working - class, defunct fun, most of the time, which is based in london's royal vauxhall tavern) fifteenth birthday party in the ballroom of the royal festival hall (southbank, london and not somewhere else) for a quick celebration and a dance and to meet some folk: it was jolly, colourful, old - fashioned, sweaty... i met my people, i danced and sang to james's 'sit down' and 'viva espana', took some snaps, for memory and fun...

saturday was work day, which doesn't bother me, because
1. i earn some cash
2. i can hide
3. i meet new kinds of people
4. i remain detached and respected and appreciated and then, i go home

sunday, was exactly like a golden autum day, i have been talking about recently, full of warm sunshine, floating clouds and a slight wind...
i got myself out of bed, as soon as i could and got ready to be titilated and inspired and express myself with two amazing, beautiful, intelligent and understanding individulas, to become very important in my life and good friends: my new boys! and i wish i was meeting her too, to share the experience together and to have her hold my hand and to gaze at me, while i was talking and just feel her warm presence next to mine and to peer at her, while she was talking and to throw her kisses and hold her thigh under the table... with the occasional hug for tenderness...

alas...
i articulated freely on a lot of topics, with her constantly circulating my mind... i observed, detected, dissected, refreshingly understood, exchanged...

we had breakfast by the lake and had lattes (them, not me; i don't drink coffee, but i'm good at making it), earl grey tea and oj and smoked marlboro siver duty free cigarettes - we shared -.

i loved it. all of it. entertaining and clever and godamn honest... yes! more and more and i cannot wait... the timing is right, as i believe we need each other; one of them is going to go through a similar experience; i am here and i fathom...

we shopped too and took photos, again for memory and fun... the encounter came to a halt with a scrumptious brownie and more tea and lots of poetry and talk on love, giving, taking, testing, detaching, more loving...

later, i went to my east london haunt, which was more of a second home, to the point of suffocation - not anymore, thank goodness - and again, socialised over a virgin mojito and a camel light and spotted a fixie locked on the pole , where hers was first latched, when i first met her... four seasons ago... recollections passing then, to become paramount later and now and...

... met another friend, who has become a confidante and a pleasant companion, based on honesty and love and art, too... for pizza and a huge slice of tiramisu with two spoons and we enjoyed the chill of the autumn evening and the melancholy of it all and the news (hers on new work/ mine on a very much needed website)... i drove her home... i drove myself home, seriously satisfied with my weekend and the general camaraderie...

caught up on some emails and texts for further communication, with souls i haven't seen for a while and/ or i won't see, as they are on a trip and fell asleep tired, with the light on, trixie by my thigh and my lover residing in my head gently, but persistently, chatting to me, as she has been all weekend and for some time now...

mercury is gone direct; the doors have opened again for action and communication and i have been advised to create a cascade, ignoring any resistance... i was thinking that perhaps, the orange flower has run out...

i feel hopeful and loved... and i am in .... hopelessly (but that is a euphemism)...

i saved her face, after scrutinising it with passion...