still...

all photos by emli bendixen. finsbury park 4 august 2010.

love, art, compassion, strength, performance, emotion, style, honesty...

i still feel...

thank you emli for the experience (i believe it has been fruitful for both of us). x

50 plus 3 (click on this for a trailer)

i have watched 53 films.
11 may - 11 august 2010
from Lo to Me to Lo again.

dreams alive and continuing despite the rem...

i fell asleep (again) with the light and my shirt on. hair down/ bracelettes off, thankfully. so tired. full of thought. busy day / night earlier. i watched the reader (by stephen daldry) and i sobbed and sobbed; what a story; love, tragedy, shame, books, voice, the holocaust, fear, the bleak present and future full of regrets and sorrow...
drove east. gallery space for the Platform. meeting in exmouth market; is my fate taking another turn? dinner at gourmet san. a great chinese. full. home. dreamt of... it was really vivid. almost true. the content didn't worry me. irrelevant, the moments, the face, the actions, though, were there, the dream carrying on, although i was going to wake up... i'm glad (still there), sad (still there), nap for reflection much later... art to be made, planned, proposed... life to be lived, love to be felt... SO SILENT...

new moon, new week

a weekend in a nutshell/ brief wordings (no sentence):

a glass of wine
a good conversation
a drive
a gathering
a dance or two
a plate of food
a couple of drinks/ rose wine
a bottle of water
a cigarette or two or more (actively reducing it, generally)
a laughter
a chat or two
a hug or two
a friendly kiss or two (no funny/ confusing business)
a silent moment or two or more
a photograph, more like 50+
a video or two for fun and memory
a sleep (finally as the day cracked)
a film or two (lovefilm.com)
another plate of food
a glass of water or two or more
a telephone call
a facebook chat
a skype chat
a piece of advice
a kind word
a strict word
a piece of mind
a big thought
a lingering, deep feeling
a massive faith
a big hope
a true love
an eye closed for sleep
a blood stain or two or more
a life...

point and purpose

it is four and six minutes in the morning (or one and six minutes in the afternoon of the next day) and i have just come back from being out... twat boutique, first thursday monthly at the not so new now, but still popular, dalston super store, on kingsland high street (i wonder why i write certain things in great detail... in the event of...; archive...).

yesterday was a low day, full of anxiety, tears, ambivalent panic and two good conversations with two good friends, who were willing to listen to my long monologue on love, unfairness and extreme sadness, which is more crippling that the distance/ problems/ the abiguity of it all... for now...

feeling sorry for oneself, self - indulging (too much time in the hands, primarily), were featured in my day, although i knew deep down, that the factors, which triggered the above reactings, were tactical and transparent... i thought i had paid my carmic dues; i have no problem with raising stakes and ultimate challenges, but, i need a blasted break! i need it, i want it, i deserve it... i hope (know)...

alas...

everything happens for a reason and as it should, i keep reminding myself and i know everything will be fine and dandy in the end and as i want it... but i've got to want it...
'i am the alive fantasist, the futile dreamer, the subconscious saboteur...', i wrote in one of my performances and i no longer surprise myself for blending life and art together, overlapping... i know, i perpetrate...

bad behaviour won't be excused, but it is certainly understood.
fear and stupidity, lead to meanness... big love leads to...

'i'm pushing you away', 'why don't you give it up','why are you bothering' (not this again) are cliches, which although piercing at first, become sweet tasks later, upon reflection... crazy one would think, sucker for punishment, but this is not the case: i love, i understand and perversely, i endure, i am not bored, i am not boring, i am not tired... not now, not yet...

own drumbeat, ahead of time, big heart, sharp brain, extreme resilience, self - testing and self - learning; for the ultimate realisation...

i said before and i'm saying again: something's cooking and it's good... faith, hope and love, patience and understanding to season...

moments vs days and i recall plenty... more and more...

i become more free every day... and the blood: flows and drips...

something sexy and intense

after a good shoot (thank you emli for the invitation and eye) and a heavy thunderous, glorious rain...

i saw this written somewhere...

... and thought it could be a good blog material, representing just about everybody:

'watch your thoughts, for they become words.
watch your words, for they become actions.
watch your actions, for they become habits.
watch your habits, for they become character.
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny'.